Wormhole Repairman

Paid Political Announcement

2012-01-10T09:50:00.003-08:00

As I sit here today, I can well imagine President Obama hiding there in the Offal Office, confused, frightened and ineffective, watching in wonder as the besieging army of Republican Presidential candidates slowly burst into flames, one after the other, and collapse into piles of smoldering ignorance and hypocrisy. Like Moses, he probably feels the hand of divine providence as he is delivered from his enemies unto the Promised Land. Personally, I am not looking forward to another four years of Quisling compromise and forgotten principles, but since the viable alternatives are so heinous, I have no choice but to support the current President. I realize this is just the sort of copout that has ruined America, but sometimes you have to accept mediocrity to oppose evil.

The media hype machine has been working overtime to try and create some interest in the political pornography that is the Republican primaries. First it was Michele “Hypno Toad” Bachmann, the first truly mentally handicapable candidate in American history; then it was that venal, misogynistic idiot savant Newt Gingrich back from the dead like a protégé of Dr. Herbert West, and now we’re back to Mutt Romney, the self-made son of privilege who changes his colors so often that the chameleon and octopus are left gaping in wonder. Not since Commodus has a man had such a sterling career based upon nothing other than his father’s legacy. Mr. Romney says in his TV commercial that he will “never, ever apologize for America”, apparently even when we’ve totally fucked things up, so he’s clearly the sort of thoughtful, objective realist we need in these treacherous and difficult times.

I’m going to digress here to point out that Mr. Romney is a Mormon. Religion is such a sensitive subject in America, for a myriad reasons, that openly and honestly discussing it is almost taboo, but every candidate for President, Republican or otherwise, seems to want us to understand that they are people of faith, including Mr. Romney, so I think it is fair game for analysis. I have not had close personal relationships with many Mormons, but the ones I have known were uniformly sociable and agreeable people who eschewed unhealthy behaviors and obeyed the laws, so it would be impossible for me to fairly level any criticism against the adherents of Mormonism based upon personal experience. Because I have long been an adherent of the Marlboro and Jack Daniels diet plan, I don’t think I would be very well received among the Latter Day Saints, but they’ve never wronged me as far as I know.

Back during the dark days of my misspent youth, I and several of my hash-addled fraternity brothers were visited by a pair of young Mormon missionaries. We received them politely and settled them into comfortable chairs and proceeded to have a discourse on the nature of faith, the possibility of true knowledge and ultimate reality of existence. We were not awarded a copy of the Book of Mormon at the conclusion of this discourse and at least one of the young missionaries may have committed suicide shortly thereafter, but the upshot of it was that Mormonism didn’t appear to offer anything new or particularly revealing from a metaphysical perspective. Couple this with a secretive church bureaucracy that attempts to rewrite history to support myth and an institutional tendency towards mysticism, and Mormonism appears to be just as useless of the rest of organized religion. In fact, I think the worst thing that has ever happened to Western Civilization was probably when Theodosius I made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire in 380 A.D. This concluded the process of transforming the simple, humanistic philosophy of a filthy, sandal wearing socialist hippy into a political imperative and an instrument of state control. The Romans, cynical and crafty as always, absorbed the revolution that was challenging their legitimacy and hammered plowshares into swords to puncture enemies of the state and expand the Emperor’s dominion from this world to the world to come. From there, the magic underwear was clearly not far behind. Let me say, I truly admire the Romans; they set the standard for worship of power, wealth and privilege that has become the cornerstone of our civilization and the underlying theme of the Republican Party. What Jesus would have thought of this as he selflessly mingled with the lepers is anybody’s guess, but “Oh Goody!” doesn’t really come to mind.

Anyway, we are on the verge of another season of deliberate lies, distortions and misrepresentations, enhanced with honest mistakes of ignorance. I’m not sure it really matters which of the soldiers of the Army of Darkness emerges as the challenger to the President; he or she will almost certainly promote the interests of the wealthy over the needs of society and they will cloak themselves in the raiment of Christian humility and divine obedience while cashing checks from the Aryan Brotherhood. It’s really quite enough to make one want to puke. It would be pretty entertaining if somebody like that spiteful, venomous insect Rick Santorum were nominated, but it is difficult to imagine that even the Republican base could be so lacking in intellectual discernment, though I can always hope. Our other fine Mormon candidate, John Huntsman, is really the only Republican running whose election would not force me to flee to Romania, but he has the support of the same number of Republicans who support Barrack Obama, so his nomination is not likely.

We humans are a fine mess. Simultaneously dangerously clever and dangerously ignorant, we believe that some angry phantom created the universe and doesn’t want us to masturbate. We assemble by the billions in places of divine worship throughout the world and then sally forth and bash each other’s heads. Here in America, we tattoo “Freedom!” on our asses and then let those selfsame asses be groped by total strangers in airports while our elected representatives pass laws that allow the government to listen to our phone conversations when we complain about the groping. Every so often we have the opportunity to correct all this nonsense by putting reasonable people in positions of power to exercise the collective authority of “the people” and preserve human dignity and freedom, but instead we elect self-interested sociopaths, deluded messiahs and cowardly lions. Fuck if I can figure it out.

Here's the Thing

2011-09-27T18:53:00.001-07:00

I’m a bit concerned about this “Thing” thing. This is the thing; “The Thing from Another World” was an admirable picture for 1951. Margaret Sheridan would have definitely been supremely doable bent over a stump in a garter and some hose with a bright red ball gag in her mouth, and Corporal Barnes went on to manage the production of several episodes of Batman, Land of the Giants, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Time Tunnel and Lost in Space; some of the best TV Sci-Fi of my youth. Of course, no one can forget a young Marshall Dillon as the carrot from outer space. The black and white portrayal of the Arctic monochrome and the creeping claustrophobic paranoia of hunting the budding extraterrestrial vegetable definitely gave the movie an “in the produce section, no one can hear you scream” quality. The Cold War (Arctic, Cold? anyway…) was in full swing and we were under siege from every treachery imaginable with nothing but the All-American electrical technology of Nikola Tesla to preserve us. I didn’t see the movie for the first time until around 1970, but I was young enough, and not quite completely spoiled enough by “special effects”, to still find it frightening.

Along comes 1982, Reagan is President, and I, listlessly killing time between the Army and college, go with my sister and some friends to the Omni in Atlanta to see John Carpenter’s “The Thing”. It’s an afternoon matinee and, consistent with Atlanta’s demographic, the crowd is almost exclusively black. Without undue stereotyping, it is accurate to report that many patrons were already talking to the screen while Snake Plissken was still in the Viking research station eyeballing frozen corpses. What proceeded to unfold was a grotesque ballet of nauseating imagery, gallows humor and the anxious fear of genuine uncertainty. I’m not going to say that “The Thing” is a masterpiece, but “The Thing” is a masterpiece. I have this movie on DVD and have nearly worn a hole in it. I never get too much of Kurt Russell’s sneering or Wilfred “Diabetes” Brimley’s deadpan. And the black guy doesn’t get killed first, or perhaps, at all. Keith David, whom I sleazily loved in “Requiem for a Dream” and admired in “Dead Presidents”, is the perfect foil for Russell’s I’m-young-and-good-looking-and-in-charge-and-also-white. It was 1982, remember. I will say, while I did miss some of the dialog that day, I don’t think I had before or since enjoyed a more blissfully uncontrolled communion of terror with my fellow Homo sapiens. Anyway, I didn’t feel John Carpenter had ripped off “The Thing from Another World” so much as allowed it to evolve. It was more than “updated”; it was transformed into the gag reflex horror of the full color, post Vietnam reality of human civilization which the naiveté of hiding under a desk to escape from a 20 megaton hydrogen bomb would never have been able to comprehend. It was simply, “The Thing”, and it didn’t matter where the fuck the thing was from; it was fucking bad news. John Carpenter had already proven he could generate return on investment with “Halloween”, “The Fog” and “Escape from New York”, so you knew it was going to be good, but it was better than good; it was different.

So now, along comes “The Thing” 2011 style. Of course I have not seen it yet, and, of course, I will, but I can’t help feel like somebody wants to replace the Mona Lisa with a digitally enhanced Mona Lisa. Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. hasn’t directed shit, and while Mary Elizabeth Winstead is a babe, eye candy does not a horror movie make. You just can’t tell me that you can do better than MacReady and Childs, surrounded by the flickering remains of the research station, sharing a drink, while the frozen darkness slithers in from all sides. My children say I’m getting old and stupid, but I’m still smart enough to follow MacReady’s advice and just wait here for a little while... see what happens.

The Origin of Father's Day

2011-06-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

2,000 years ago, during the Han Dynasty, there lived a poor peasant named Wu Chan Chu. He resided with his wife and eight children in the small village of Wuwei near the capital of Luoyang. For many months, children had been disappearing from the village without a trace, despite the best efforts of their parents to keep a constant eye on them. Many feared that wolves or a bear that had acquired the taste for human flesh were to blame, but Wu Chan’s wife practiced the old religion and she told all who would listen that a demon stalked the town seeking revenge for being cheated by the villager’s ancestors. Wu Chan did not believe in such superstitious nonsense and he was embarrassed by his wife’s backward ways, but she was a good wife and had borne him many healthy children, so he kept his tongue.

One evening Wu Chan was returning to the village after having delivered a wagon-load of wheat to a nearby town. Darkness was falling as he approached the outskirts by the lonely road that passed through a thick wood. Only minutes short of home, he came upon a terrifying sight; a grotesque and ferocious creature was eating the remains of a child Wu Chan recognized as a son of a neighboring family. He thought to take a stick to the creature, but it rose and stood like a man, blood and gore dripping from its enormous teeth. It looked as if its skin was alive with a coat of flesh-eating beetles and it gave off the most over-whelming stench of decay. Wu Chan did not want to believe it, but he knew he was in the presence of a demon; he would be very sorry to have to admit to his wife that she had been right.

“Wu Chan. Your feeble efforts cannot deter me. I am the powerful Demon Shen, and I have returned after a long absence on important business to claim what is rightfully mine.”

The words felt as if they were hammered into Wu Chan’s ears. He was frightened and wanted to run away, but he feared for the safety of his children. “O Great Demon Shen, what can you possibly desire from our humble village?” Wu Chan could hear his teeth chattering.

The demon spat out a small human tooth and looked at Wu Chan, though he seemed pleased to have someone to converse with. “Since you have the courage to inquire, I will answer your inquiry. Over two-hundred years ago this village sought my aid during a time of drought. In exchange for bringing the rains, I was to have a child to be my companion in Diyu (Hell), but I was tricked and they gave me a child made of straw to accompany me, which promptly burst into flames when I returned to the underworld. I have been totally pissed ever since, and now I am here to claim all the village’s children, the last of which shall accompany me to Diyu.”

Wu Chan had no doubt that some in the village, even today, would greedily and foolishly try and cheat a demon, but Wu Chan loved his children and prayed that they might be spared. “O Great Demon Shen, I beg to accompany you to Diyu in the stead of the promised child so that my children might be spared.” Wu Chan knew his wife would be quite cross about having to provide for eight children on her own, but this was better than having them eaten.

“Ah, Wu Chan” said the demon, “I can see that you are a sentimental fool, but you have displayed great courage and selfless love. As a demon, I do not understand this and, quite frankly, it makes me a little uncomfortable. I am in the mood to eat children and cannot, therefore, accept your offer, but because you do not fear evil when faced with harm to your loved ones, I will spare all your children on the condition you return to this place each year at this exact time and say “Shen is fucking awesome!” You must do this each and every year until the day of your death.” Having said this, the demon billowed into a sulfurous cloud and blew into the dark woods.

Wu Chan returned home and greeted his wife and children affectionately. He told no one but his wife what had occurred and, while children continued to disappear for some years, Wu Chan’s children were spared (this did, however, create some friction with the neighbors, but what can you do?) Every year on what came to be known to his children as “Father’s Day” Wu Chan faithfully returned to the spot and paid homage to the demon until Wu Chan died in his bed surrounded by his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Wise Guys

2010-12-09T16:20:00.000-08:00

If you visit the Animal Planet web site and look at their Top Ten lists, you will see a link (http://animal.discovery.com/tv/a-list/creature-countdowns/smartest/smartest.html) for the ten smartest animals on the planet. The first thing that struck me about this list is that Homo sapiens do not appear on it. There are at least a few possible reasons for this; the good people at Animal planet don’t consider people animals; they have reservations about self-evaluation; or we just didn’t make the top ten. Any of these are plausible, but recent political and social trends lend much credence to the last most of the possibilities.

At number ten on the list is the ubiquitous rat. Rats are known for being good at navigating mazes and their fondness for cheese. It has been demonstrated that rats can count, at least up to five, and they are able to recognize and remember complex patterns when properly induced, such as with the possibility of access to food, sex or cocaine (in this respect, the common rat is most comparable to a Republican Congressman). We are not, however, completely comfortable with the intelligence of the rat. Rats know, for example, that dead rats don’t need their intestines anymore and that the extremely intoxicated have little feeling in their extremities. Rats also know that human infants don’t know Kung Fu. Rats are literally everywhere on Planet Earth and will do anything, no matter how selfish or degrading, to survive, sort of like Lindsey Lohan. When you are the creature with which the concept of “rat fuck” is associated, you clearly deserve some credit.

Number nine on the list is the octopus. You would think they would have made the octopus number eight just for irony, but perhaps the people at Animal Planet don’t appreciate irony. The octopus is the cleverest of the invertebrates, smarter even than the spineless asses in Congress. It can navigate mazes and open jars on par with the average citizen of Alabama. The octopus can communicate with complex visual signals produced by changing the pigmentation of its skin. While scientists are not clear on all the intended meanings, “I’m horny” and “piss off” are prominent among them. Most knowledgeable people agree that octopi (3.14 octopuses) would build nuclear weapons and eradicate the human race if they could get some plutonium, which is why we make every effort to recover any nuclear devices lost at sea. The octopus is sneaky, evil, hateful and disgusting, which completely justifies us dumping raw sewerage and other garbage into its environment.

Number eight is the Pigeon. The Pigeon. Allegedly pigeons have excellent memories and can differentiate between their own reflection and the reflections of other pigeons in a mirror. Why they would care is something of a mystery. Pigeons have been known to exploit the mentally ill and the elderly for breadcrumbs. They have an advanced chemical warfare program in which they spread Histoplasmosis through their dung. Their ultimate objective is in all likelihood the eradication of mankind, but in the short term, vandalizing bronze statues appears to be their goal. Pigeons can remember things for years, so if you ever crossed one, you might want to move.

The seventh most intelligent animal is the squirrel. No joke. Hey, I didn’t make the list. The squirrel is essentially an arboreal rat with a bushy tail, but what makes them smarter than a rat is that they know how to be cute. They also know how to hide food and climb up on bird-feeders. In reality squirrels are selfish and devious creatures that have no respect for private property or vehicular rights-of-way. They scamper hither and yon, indifferent to traffic patterns or the length of your dog’s leash. They have been known to torment their canine cousins by repeatedly running along the top of a fence, just out of reach. Squirrels are, however, smart enough not to torment cats, which is what keeps them on the list.

Number six on the list is the pig. Pigs are highly adaptable and adept at problem solving. Part of the esteem for their intelligence stems from the fact that they know housework is a waste of time. Also, pigs will eat anything, which makes picking a restaurant a lot easier. Pigs can be trained to do anything a dog can do, except perhaps bark. Many people keep pigs as pets and say they are as affectionate as dogs or cats, which indicates that pigs will lie for food, an essential element of any definition of intelligence.

Number five is crows. These creepy descendants of the dinosaur are well known for their ability to stealthily purloin your French fries when your back is turned. It is no accident that they were the villains in ‘The Birds”; they would murder you if they had access to firearms, but they have been known to employ the old “beak in the eye” routine. Crows utilize all sorts of strategies to crack nuts, such as leaving them in the road for cars to run over; they would do the same thing with your toddler if they had more lift. It is a myth that crows assemble when someone is about to die; they are smart enough to wait until someone is dead to show up.

Number four is the elephant. They are, of course, known for their extraordinary memory and their habit of all-too-public displays of grief at the death of a herd member. Elephants are vicious and vindictive bastards who hold a grudge for years, thanks, I guess, to their good memory. They use tools in the wild, which means they will throw shit at you if so inclined. Elephants kill people all the time, which shows they have a pretty good handle on the whole ‘badass” thing. In fact, elephants are the only creature to make both the top ten most intelligent and top ten deadliest lists. You would be well advised not to fuck with elephants.

Third on the list is the orangutan. The orangutan looks like a human and acts like a human, except that it’s not an asshole. Speaking of acting like humans, orangutans have been in Clint Eastwood movies, but that’s not necessarily a sign of intelligence. They have complex social structures and solve complex puzzles. Perhaps they should be in Congress, unlike Republicans.

Number 2 is the dolphin. They have complex language structure, and learn complex tasks quickly and easily, when they are properly rewarded that is, a sure sign of intelligence. Dolphins have no hands, which is why they have not murdered any of us for humiliating them with all that inappropriate dolphin touching stuff. Juvenile dolphins remain with their parents for several years, showing great intelligence on the part of the juveniles, although one has to question why this occurs if the parents can swim faster.

Number one is of course the cockroach. No, sorry, that’s the chimpanzee, but the chimpanzee is not smart enough to live in large numbers in my house irrespective of my efforts to eradicate them. Chimpanzees are very clever, but they will also rip your face off if they get pissed. Chimpanzees hunt cooperatively and use sign language, like human males on ladies night. Chimpanzees are much stronger than an equal sized human, so they definitely should not be taught kung fu. That wouldn’t be smart.

What is intelligence anyway? If intelligence is defined as taking actions which are most consistent with one’s own wellbeing, bacteria are probably smarter than we are. There are a lot of other animals you could put on this list, especially the dog, which is smart enough to lie around the house all day and take advantage of free food and healthcare while giving nothing in return but cuteness, sort of like teenage children, except for the cuteness part. Anyway, animals are not so different from us in most ways, except they’re not arrogant and they don’t make lists about shit.

Who Shot J.R.?

2010-11-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

It was 32 years ago today that 918 people died in various ways in the jungles of Guyana, mostly from drinking poisoned Kool-Aid. Leo Ryan, a California Congressman, was shot dead as he concluded his mission to assist those desiring to abandon Jim Jones’ totalitarian, theocratic utopia. Ryan’s death was a great loss to America, as he remains one of the few chosen representatives of the People who had the balls to see his leadership role as more than just cashing lobbyist’s checks. As a California State Assemblyman, he went undercover as both an inner-city school teacher and a prison inmate to gain firsthand knowledge of conditions in schools and prisons. He was ambushed by members of the People’s Temple as his plane sat on the runway preparing to return to Georgetown, Guyana’s capitol. Congressman Ryan’s death set off a chain reaction of lunacy that resulted in the suicide or murder of 909 members of the Peoples Temple Agricultural Project, which had been established in 1974 as an example of “apostolic socialism”, whatever that is. Jim Jones’ claim to holiness ended in horror, as most putative holiness does. The human capacity for illogic and self-delusion is well documented and, one might argue, is a primary driving force in history. In my view, the sad truth is that the distance from Main Street to the jungles of Guyana is not that great. Many of the world’s primary religions have elements of apocalyptic cultism in the context of their sense of exclusive knowledge of the truth and obedience to orthodoxy, and God knows the subculture of paranoid, Luddite xenophobes in America is quite ready to explode in an orgy of self-righteous destruction and fevered cleansing to prepare for Jesus’ return or armed revolution, or both.

But the political process in America was never intended to be an eternal struggle between good and evil. We have already established those truths which we hold to be self-evident. The people we elect are only supposed to respond to changing circumstances as they relate to ensuring domestic tranquility and providing for the common welfare, not to battle daily for the souls of mankind. Government has truly overreached its bounds, although not through excessive taxation, burdensome regulation or bureaucratic inertia, but through the arrogant presumption of those of every philosophical stripe seeking political office with claims of insight into absolute truth or the paths of the righteous. With our electoral process awash in the filthy lucre of corporate personhood and politics becoming little more than the race to define and emulate the lowest common denominator, it would appear the Grand Republic is in danger of entering a terminal death spiral, and all we get is bombastic moralizing from the right, left and center with not a qualified economist or logistician among them. My own bombastic moralizing notwithstanding, I’d cut a deal with Leon Trotsky, John Boehner or King George III in a heartbeat if it would create a few hundred thousand jobs. Whatever happened to good old enlightened self-interest? Adam Smith can’t be pleased.

Anyway, the TSA is presently very popular. Apparently Washington has gotten the idea that the average American no longer wishes to plunge earthward at 700 miles an hour in the flaming wreckage of what used to be a commercial airliner because some miscreant strapped C-4 to his wiener and tugged the Johnson at 35,000 feet. For this reason, the federal Government has implemented innovative wiener surveillance processes which include your choice of either the undignified viewing of your shriveled manparts or your confusing ladyjunk, or a humiliatingly intimate caress to ensure there are no explosives in your cleavage or butt crack. The new x-ray vision scanners, which were likely procured through the back pages of a comic book, are apparently quite realistic in their representation of an individual’s flabby nakedness, which mortifies the image-conscious American public, over 25 percent of whom are clinically obese. Obese is the Latin word for gross. I should know. Of course, all of this self imposed abuse is done in the name of security, because we know that there are people who aren’t afraid of flying who want to kill us. Unfortunately, most of us still don’t understand why. There are probably people in various places around the world who are asking themselves very similar questions about our motives. Fortunately, God is on our side, and even though God has not been completely successful in protecting us against every horrid assault on our national pride, we pray he will assist us in our quest for an infallible underwear scan.

The Republican leadership in the House of Representatives has wasted no time in addressing the out of control US budget. The US budget deficit in Fiscal Year 2009 was $1.42 trillion, an amount many consider excessive. Even though the new Republican majority in the House will not take office until January, John Boehner and his associates have struck a blow for fiscal accountability by attempting to eliminate all Federal funding for NPR. NPR is a well known propaganda arm of the world-wide socialist movement and has often advocated un-American activities like telling the truth. NPR receives about 15 percent of its total funding from government sources, including about $16 million form the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Eliminating this allocation would reduce the 2010 Federal Budget by .000004 percent. Unfortunately, the anti-American Democratic majority defeated the brave effort, but they’ll get what’s coming to them.

Lastly, for you beleaguered parents out there. Good luck. Preparing a child to live successfully in the coming world is a challenging task, to understate it significantly. We parents can’t begin to imagine the technological, social, political, economic and environmental circumstances that our children will face in the next four, five, six, seven or eight decades. The best we can do is try to prepare them to use reason and logic, guided by principle, to adapt to what life presents and try to find meaning and satisfaction in what ever may come. But just remember this; my wife is not always correct. She says my two sons have learned their facial expressions and mannerisms of annoyance from me, but this is not true. They only appear to be mimicking me; the fact is, they are me, sort of. They received half of their DNA from me. I would even suggest the better half of their DNA, but that is still an issue of some dispute domestically. Nonetheless, when you observe your children manifesting undesirable behaviors similar to your own, do not doubt your parenting skills. Do not fault your own weakness and inability to conceal your flaws from your highly imitative offspring. Do not regret that you have not made more effort to be tolerant, understanding and charitable. Simply accept that you have passed on the crappy genes that have ruined your life and that there is little hope for the future.

I Declare

2010-11-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.” They don’t write ‘em like that anymore, which is kind of ironic since the Declaration of Independence is a sort of break up song. Anyway, you can feel the power of these words resonating with logical symmetry and you can envision the quaking of tyrants as they cower before the inexorable tide of freedom called forth by this mystic incantation. I still marvel at the prescience of the Old Dead White Guys and their ability to concisely capture and summarize the most fundamental yearnings of the human race in seven simple words.

But here is where we return to the cold realities of human social intercourse. Seven simple words. But nothing in real life is simple, and words are but the Platonic shadows of the true thought flickering upon the cave walls. It is often suggested that the authors of our nation’s founding documents always said what they meant, and meant what they said, but much is read into these documents that is far from clear by right of syntax and semantics. It was probably not the intent of the Founding Fathers that each citizen should be an expert in the oratory and written missives of each signatory, and it is certainly arguable the extent to which a collective effort can concisely represent the convictions of each of multiple individual participants. I can only conclude that words of the Declaration of Independence are intended to be sufficient unto themselves to convey the sentiments of its authors.

It is interesting, therefore, that the word “God” is used the sum total of once in the Declaration, in reference to “the laws of nature and of nature's God. “Nature’s God” is a somewhat ambiguous term, all the more noteworthy since it could have simply been clarified to “the God of Abraham” or “Our Savoir Jesus Christ”, but it wasn’t. Most 21st Century Americans will likely assume that it is in fact an allusion to God-Almighty, the Scourge of Sodom and spiritual father of Jesus, but there is nothing in the document’s words or context to support that. The reference could very well be to Pan, Circe or Yoda, but Mr. Jefferson didn’t elaborate. The term “divine appears once also, in the context of “Divine Providence” and the term “Creator” also appears one time only, as that power which has endowed Man with his “unalienable” rights. Whether this force of creation is divine or natural is not discussed and whether such “unalienable rights” devolve from the authority of the divine or arise from the natural structure of human society cannot be established from the text.

Most of those men generally recognized as “Founding Fathers” came from fairly mainstream Christian backgrounds in the context of the late 18th Century, although we have little information on things such as regularity of church attendance or the sum of donations to religious organizations. The writings of the individual Founding Fathers provide quite a variety of theological perspectives, but generally reflect a bias against religious bureaucracy and the involvement of the clergy in the political life of the nation, which is completely consistent with the Protestant thinking of the age. What is largely absent from the record is significant evangelism or strident condemnation of Moors, Buddhists or other nonbelievers. On balance, there is little indication that the men who founded America articulated any consensus either before or after that it was their intent to found a “Christian” nation, though they were clearly mostly believers in some degree of “divine” influence in the affairs of men. Neither the Articles of Confederation nor the United States Constitution contain the word “God”, a fairly serious omission for a “Christian” nation. References to “God” are common in 18th and 19th Century America political dialog and speeches, but are usually in a general context like “oh my God, the dog just shit on the carpet”, or “the God-damned dog just shit on the carpet.” Aggressive and persistent religious partisanship as a feature of the political process appears to be a fairly recent development, and is coincidental with the rise of social freedoms and associated public debate of issues like Gay Rights, abortion and pornography, as well as the expansion of the role of the electronic media in the daily life of the average citizen.

Anyway, somewhat completely changing the subject, here I sit in my post Election Day 2010 funk, contemplating the apparent repudiation of Liberalism midst angry cries of creeping socialism and various doomsday prophecies, and I wonder what the signatories to the Declaration of Independence would think about their fickle 21st Century progeny. Ben Franklin, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson had just taken up arms against the most powerful empire in the world with little more than their convictions to shield them. They commanded no real army, could not be certain of the allegiance of their fellow colonists and could hope for little support from other monarchs who would likely see their insurrection as an invitation to global chaos. They had enumerated a list of grievances against the Crown that went well beyond “I can’t afford a new car this year” and “black people make me nervous” and they went out on quite a political limb to say that the rich and the powerful shouldn’t be able through the instrument of government to suck every possible dime out of the working man to fund their insatiable lust for acquisition and conquest, especially if they had no intention of reinvesting any of the spoils to the collective benefit. These guys weren’t saints, but they were brave and they were among the first to articulate a concept of social and political equity that extended beyond the bounds of class by “natural” right. The fact that they didn’t conceive of equity extending beyond white guys with walking-around cash doesn’t reduce the radicalism of their ideas; their slap in the face to King George was the first trickle in what would become a historical torrent that ultimately allowed women and blacks and gays and dwarves and geeks throughout the world to say “why not me? why not freedom?” The world of 1789 and the world of 2010 are so incomparably different that it is impossible to define what modern political party, if any, has its true analog in the ideals of our Founders, but we do know that they had a commitment to social justice in the context of their time that would have made Abbey Hoffman blush.

So I watched the TV pundits expound grotesquely upon the sometimes absurd and sometimes tragic circus that representative democracy can be and I cheered the many defeats of Tea Party patriots with their constitutionalism and doctrine of original intent and other comfortable fantasies of solid rock beneath the ever evolving truth of human civilization. I despaired as legions of grandmas on Social Security voted against redistribution of wealth and packs of grandpas on Medicare voted against socialized medicine. I sat in amazed silence as people living in cheap houses built largely by illegal laborers voted against humane immigration reform. I seethed as the rich who have taken advantage of every public investment ever made to live a life few can imagine voted to correct the unfairness of their tax burden and I was heartened by the few unexpected victories and the closeness of other losses which implied that not everyone in America had lost their mind. It did occur to me that perhaps, when swiftly tumbling towards the ground from a lofty height, left and right loose most of their significance and that fear and anger offer less resistance than reason, but mostly I just marveled at the Divine Providence that continues to preserve the unalienable right of we the people to govern ourselves in accordance with the faithfulness and abilities of our chosen representatives. Sometimes that’s the best we can hope for.

Further Musings on Physics, Metaphysics and Stuff

2010-10-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

I’m not going to pretend that I actually understand M-theory, or even that I understand what understanding it would entail, but being that M-theory is an elaboration on Superstring theory, which is an elaboration on String theory, which was an effort to reconcile Quantum Mechanics and General Relativity, there is little surprise that it’s comprehension escapes the remaining part of my brain that the zombies didn’t already eat. Incidentally, zombies violate the rules of thermodynamics, so either they don’t exist or they remain in a state of quantum superposition after the collapse of the probability wave; either way, they sadly linger as only creatures of our imagination.

According to Wikipedia, the source of all my wisdom, the M used to sort of stand for Membrane when M-theory first arose, but latter evolved to just M when it became clear that the concept of a membrane was only partially apt for the theoretical structure that the comprehensive theory proposed to use as an analog for reality. Nonetheless, M-theory is simply summed up, and I quote, as “asserting that strings are really 1-dimensional slices of a 2-dimensional membrane vibrating in 11-dimensional space.” Everything we know or can know results from this fundamental and underlying truth.

I was going to go on to P-branes and “lose ends” and such, but you can read Wikipedia just as well as I can. The thing that I find remarkable about these theoretical constructs in physics is that, however bizarre they are, they only survive the fatally selective marketplace of ideas by being mathematically consistent with what is observed. It has long been argued amongst quantum mechanics toiling in the chalk-infused filth of their subterranean lairs as to whether there really is such a physical thing as a “probability wave” or whether it is just an analog to an unobservable physical reality. There was a major insurrection in Quantum society over this very notion resulting in the emergence of “schools” of quantum thought. Are there really 2-dimensional membranes vibrating in 11-dimensional space? Hell if I know, but we are so far from really understanding even the most fundamental of realities, how can we claim knowledge of good and evil, being and nothingness, Starsky and Hutch? Like, you know, the Universe; it’s here; it’s queer; get used to it.

I have to stay away from politics as much as possible because my cerebral artery walls are weakening. Anybody who reads this blog is both bored and already knows what I think about current American politics anyway, but what about the Germans? Frau Merkel, the Chancellor of the Reich, has declared that “Germany's attempts to build a multicultural society have utterly failed.” Well, so did their attempt to build a monocultural society. What’s a Volk to do? Before you get all “who are you to judge the German people?” on me, I did live there for three years 30 some odd years ago, and I wasn’t inebriated the whole time. My observation then was that the “Guest Workers”, mostly Turks and Italians with a component of Balkan and Pan-Slav minorities, were more or less relegated to the economic and cultural fringes. As one would expect, some of this was the result of clannishness on the part of the immigrants, but I never got the sense that they were welcomed in the same way I was as a blond, blue-eyed American soldier. Perhaps this was because the Germans knew I would eventually leave, but I’m not sure that a multicultural society can be created just by dumping disparate cultures into the same physical space and expecting assimilation or some other form of equilibrium to establish itself. In the case of Germany, the principle problem is that most of their immigrants have been exclusively pursuing economic opportunity and have been viewed by the broader society as mainly inputs into an economic equation. Capitalistic views on labor combined with an innate sense of cultural superiority may not in this case be the best recipe for success. Successful multicultural societies are based upon mutual respect, acceptance and tolerance, and the ability to sometimes agree to disagree. However, tolerance without respect is just paternalism and respect without acceptance is only fear. Nations need to ask themselves some very serious questions and give themselves some honest answers before they open their borders in pursuit of cheap labor, shouldn’t they?

Finally, Juan Williams got fired from NPR because he was doing his part-time gig on Fox and told Bill O’Reilly that people in “Muslim” dress on airplanes “made him nervous”. He used the reasoning that people who were committed enough to their religion to dress in accordance with its tenets might be committed enough to engage in more drastic forms of religious fervor. NPR was correct to fire Mr. Williams, but not because of his blatant bigotry; rather, because he is a dumbass. For the record, the Quran limits its directives on clothing to suggestions that it be “modest” and a little technical advice on what parts of the body need to be covered to achieve modesty. Hillary Clinton routinely meets the requirements of Islamic modesty in her dress, if only accidentally, as do most American women over 50, or who are at church in the South. American male business dress is one-hundred percent consistent with the Islamic dress code, as is, ironically, most Rap inspired male dress. The point here is that when Juan Williams identifies something as “Muslim dress”, he is really referring to a cultural or ethnic manifestation. The dress is Arab or perhaps “South Asian”, but it is not Islamic.

Being a dumbass on Fox News is no crime, since Fox News is specifically directed at dumbasses and they clearly have a right to pander to their target market. NPR, on the other hand, has some responsibility for objectivity and factual correctness, both of which Mr. Williams is apparently lacking. I believe we live in a country now where ignorance and failures of reason are seen as “fair and balanced” and studied and researched presentations of unpleasant fact are nothing more than Liberal propaganda. Pointing out factual error is now censorship and criticism of hate is itself hatefulness; and don’t forget, reality is, perhaps, nothing more than 1-dimensional slices of a 2-dimensional membrane vibrating in 11-dimensional space. Sigh.

Columbus Day 2010

2010-10-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have never worked at a bank, or lived in the Northeast, so Columbus Day is just some print on a calendar to me, but Al Capone used to celebrate it enthusiastically, I hear. In October of 1492, the intrepid explorer Cristoforo Colombo made landfall somewhere in what is now the Bahamas, only days ahead of starvation, dehydration and mutiny. The naively friendly Arawaks hosted Columbus and his men for a few weeks before he moved on to Cuba and Hispaniola. The ultimate result was that the Europeans bartered smallpox for syphilis and the Native Americans were largely doomed. I don’t think America and Europe have yet come to terms with the enormity of the devastation brought by European colonization and America’s manifest destiny, but I feel relatively certain that if the victims of this historical inevitability had been white, there would be a few more memorials for the certainly tens of millions of people who eventually died as a direct result of the voyages of Columbus and his successors.

Elsewhere, Carl Palidino, the Republican/Nativist Party candidate for Governor of New York recently decried the “brainwashing” of children to accept homosexuality as being “equally valid”. There are a few interesting subtexts to Mr. Palidino’s lamentation, the first being the use of the term “brainwashing”. Apparently Mr. Palidino feels that if I attempt to pass my value system to my children, they are being brainwashed; unless, perhaps, he happens to share those values, which is admittedly unlikely. Maybe Mr. Palidino was only objecting to societal institutions, such as schools, engaging in the practice of promoting open-mindedness about sexual identity issues, in which case he should also bemoan the schools being used as a platform for promoting other values, but, here again, the litmus test appears to be whether he personally agrees with what is being taught. I can respect any honestly held belief as a matter of conscience, but no one should have the power decide which ideas have official sanction and which don’t. Mr. Palidino is a scary fellow. He might even be a Douchebag. Anyway, allowing for the possibility that human society is complex and that people are diverse and everything is not black and white is not brainwashing where I come from; it’s common sense.

And before I absent-mindedly wander off to some other subject, why is the question of the “legitimacy” of homosexuality in America not seen and discussed as the purely religious issue that it is. If a state legislature somewhere was debating a law about whether you could eat pork or work on the Sabbath, nobody would have any doubt that it was simply an attempt to impose religious orthodoxy on people who had already consciously rejected it. Of course, in some states that might make it more popular, but the anti-Gay forces in America are nothing more than Old Testament literalists trying to force their beliefs on the nation though the power of government. How can this be ok? I realize it’s nothing new; just ask anybody in Georgia wanting to buy a case of beer on Sunday, but these “social conservatives” are simply the Spanish Inquisition in sheep’s clothing. I’m not saying that they don’t truly believe that they are doing what’s right; on the contrary, that’s what makes them so dangerous, but as a nation we have already crossed this bridge and the issue is settled; we are guided by Constitutional principles, not partisan religious ones.

I got some hostile feedback from my immediately previous blog where it turned out all the weekly Douchebags were somehow associated with the Republican Party. It was suggested to me that I was not fairly addressing the objectionability of certain persons on the more Liberal end of the political spectrum. I accept this criticism as completely valid and will attempt to do better in the future. The Obama Administration in general is really making me question my anti-senile old man from Arizona vote in 2008. I’m too tired to provide a complete litany of failings, but they all pretty much fall into the category of being too scared of the Republicans and too desirous of keeping the support of Wall Street, which may amount to about the same thing. We voted for a revolution and got a surrender. I generally leave the Democrats alone in my attempts at sarcastic critique, mostly because they are so helpless. The Republicans are a much more serious threat to liberty than any Democratic regime could ever be, simply and solely because they have a greater power of organization and party loyalty. I have repeated this mantra incessantly; I fear the Republicans and pity the Democrats and generally respect neither, and the Tea Party patriots don’t even get an honorable mention, except in the Weekly Douchebag Roundup.

The Mid-Term elections are just about three weeks away. Polling data, as usual, is contradictory and ever-changing. It does seem clear that there is something of a tendency towards replacing the incompetent with the insane, but we will have to await election night to see if this is sustained. Americans usually talk a lot of nonsense and then go with the familiar, especially in politics, but this may be a new, post-apocalyptical political paradigm where all bets are off. People may just be angry enough with the status quo to actually put people like Sharon Angle in the Senate, for example, but the problem is that it’s sending a message that carries a six year contract with it. I am truly at a loss to identify a path to resolution of this nation’s problems; other than the one President Obama tricked me with, which involved ending useless war, investing in education and research, reforming health insurance, treating all citizens with respect and taking real measures to ensure LONG-TERM, sustainable physical solvency. Apparently none of that stuff is important anymore. Obama may find himself on the Douchebag list if he doesn’t straighten up.

And finally, this is Breast Cancer Awareness month in the United States. Each year somewhere around 40,000 women die of breast cancer in the United States. While the incidence of breast cancer has risen slightly since 1975, the death rate has fallen significantly, especially for Caucasian women. This would tend to indicate that medical progress is being made in fighting the disease. Science, not superstition, prayer or voodoo, is prevailing, albeit agonizingly slowly, against our bad genes and bad habits, and it is likely that if we put the same effort and resources into preserving life that we put into destroying it, many, many more diseases could be cured and prevented. Since 1971, the American Cancer Society has funded almost $390 million in breast cancer research. Just for reference, the United States is spending approximately the same amount in 2010 alone for building the Stryker Light Armored Vehicle, which I guess we need to fight lightly armored enemies. God knows we are making enough of them.

My mother died from breast cancer on December 2, 1972. She had a radical mastectomy, months of debilitating radiation therapy, and further surgery to remove lymph nodes where the cancer had spread. She spent the last weeks of her life in a morphine induced stupor and at the end barely recognized her own children, which may have been a blessing for all of us. My mother once washed my older brother’s mouth out with soap for using the “N” word, in Georgia, in the 1960’s. She would unwisely pick up hitchhikers because she said they might be “unfortunates”; she couldn’t stand Richard Nixon. I still miss her and I understand the sorrow and anger of those who are prematurely deprived of their loved ones, by whatever cause. This is why I despise the bringers of death and destruction, whatever flag they may wave. Stop the wars; spend the money on destroying misery instead and quit cynically manipulating the ignorant and the frightened and the foolish. Grow up, damn you. My mother has a bar of soap with your name on it.

Weekly Douchebag Roundup

2010-10-07T17:17:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that Christine O’Donnell is a witch, or something. I seem to remember some tests that can be conducted for witchery (or witchiness, or witchism), but I think they involve dunking a candidate in water and observing their buoyancy. This sounds very scientific, so I’m not sure Christine would approve. I do recall that Sarah Palin has a buddy in Africa who is a certified witch hunter, so maybe he could lend a hand. It is very important that we keep witches under control, since they may turn people into newts, and we don’t need any more Newts in America.

Speaking of witches, Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for the Governorship of California, has been accused of employing at least one illegal immigrant as domestic help in the past, but I am sure it’s all just a misunderstanding, what with the language barrier and such. After all, the woman, Nicky Diaz, only worked for Ms. Whitman for nine or ten years, not really enough time to get to know anybody’s individual circumstances. Ms. Whitman has been very clear about her concerns about illegal immigration, so this misunderstanding is quite the irony and has fueled substantial criticism from her Leftist opponents. What the Socialists have failed to understand, however, is that the rules don’t apply to rich people. That’s why they spend all that time getting rich.

The same type of criticism has been lodged against Lou Dobbs, the eloquent and completely objective former CNN contributor. Dobbs, best known for his humility and self-effacing humor, has been accused by no less than “The Nation” magazine, the official publication of the American Socialist/ Marxist Freedom Haters Party, of knowingly hiring workers not legally eligible to work in the United States. The blasphemous expose’ even went so far as to imply that Dobbs is a cheap ass who took advantage of his employees by virtue of their illegal status. Whatever happened to American respect for thrift? Why would you pay any more than you have to? It’s really sad that people can’t see that the rules don’t apply to rich people. That’s why we should elect some and avoid all those messy rule compliance issues.

A recent poll by the Associated Press finds that Caucasian Americans without college educations support Republican candidates for Congress about 2 to 1 over Democratic candidates. I shouldn’t have to explain how this makes complete sense, but just for the record, education is defined as “the act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life.” I could go on, but what would be the point? The thing that I find interesting about this general subject area is that it appears that intellectual elitism is widely disparaged in America, but economic elitism is not simply tolerated, but expected and endorsed. If I possess greater knowledge, I will be resented, but if I possess greater wealth, I will be envied and admired. Too bad I’m a poor genius, along with being relatively unattractive and having a borderline personality disorder.

A recent poll by the Public Relations Research Institute indicates that 2/3rds of Americans believe the minimum wage should be raised significantly. Presumably few of these people are Caucasians with no college education, a potential beneficiary of such an action. The arguments against raising the minimum wage are compelling. Principle among them is the idea that it will cost businesses too much and they will have to reduce their campaign contributions to the Republican Party. Joe Miller, a Republican candidate for Senate in Alaska says that the minimum wage is unconstitutional, and he is a Yale educated lawyer. By his same extraordinary reasoning, which I am too indifferent to summarize here, child labor laws are also unconstitutional, as are environmental regulations, civil rights legislation and the Federal income tax, all things that have admittedly been ruining America since our pinnacle of 19th Century greatness.

At least there are some sane people in America. Take John Reed, for example. Mr. Reed is the pastor of the church attended by one Sharon Angle, Republican candidate for Senator in Nevada. Mr. Reed recently spoke out against Ms. Angle’s opponent, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Part of his criticism was that Mr. Reid’s church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was a “cult”. Thank God someone finally had the courage to say what we have all been thinking. How absurd is it to believe that Jesus Christ died by crucifixion, descended into Hell for three days, rose from the dead, and THEN flew over to North America to live and teach among the Native Americans? What kind of a simpleton would believe such a thing? Mr. Reed should be applauded for pointing out the clear difference between his completely legitimate and entirely rational religious enterprise and the brainwashed minions of Mormonism.

Anybody ever heard of Jim DeMint? He’s a Senator from South Carolina; one of the great progressive states of THESE United States. He doesn’t believe in separation of church and state or abortion in cases of rape or incest. He believes we need to make English the official language of the country and that all illegal immigrants should be expelled so that they can return to their country of origin to begin the process of legally applying for the right to immigrate to the Confederate States of America. Whoops. I wonder if Meg Whitman and Lou Dobbs know about this. Anyway, Senator DeMint has written a book, Saving Freedom: We Can Stop America's Slide into Socialism (Fidelis, Nashville, 2009). I haven’t read it, but I can tell it’s cool by its title. Stopping socialism; yep, that’s America’s most pressing issue right now.

At this point, two very comforting things occur to me. In five billion years, the sun will exhaust its supply of hydrogen and begin fusing helium into beryllium, raising its surface temperature substantially, and thereby expanding massively, and engulf the inner planets, which will be completely incinerated. The other thing is that I’m playing golf next Friday. Don’t worry; be happy.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Think, Don’t Care

2010-09-23T16:56:00.001-07:00

(Warning: Plentiful Foul Language and Sexual References Ahead. I Mean It!)

I must applaud the Republicans in Congress for once again defending the freedoms of the American people against the Trotskyite Democratic menace. This time they have put aside petty political considerations and their ritual pandering to ignorance and hate and courageously sustained a filibuster in the Senate, effectively preventing a vote to determine the majority stance on the clearly immoral attempt to repeal the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” accommodation with the Devil for Gays serving in the military. God bless these stalwart defenders of truth and virtue. What the fuck is a filibuster anyway? It sounds like it should be a condom brand. “The New Filibuster Magnum XXL, For the Manliest Among You!” That would be the Republicans for sure.

I have to confess that I don’t really understand the Gay thing, but I don’t understand Calculus or covalent bonding either. Anyway, this lack of understanding is principally why I believe sexual orientation is largely genetic, because you can’t have that sort of attraction if you aren’t made that way, but whether it’s choice, chance, or some combination of the two, how can private sexual behavior have any bearing on whether you can serve in the United States military? You can certainly be a backwards-ass motherfucker and serve in the Senate; I don’t see how a little anal intercourse or some occasional all-girl scissoring clitorama action would make you unfit to go to foreign countries and kill people in the name of freedom and justice. This is the kind of crap that keeps me from ever considering voting for a Republican. I am well aware of the intellectual and accounting flaws of the Democratic Party, but I would truly rather live in an economically dysfunctional, bankrupt shithole of a country than labor under the oppressive theocracy of people who don’t understand what getting government out of the private lives of its citizens really means and who attempt to pervert the wisdom of Christianity into some sort of allegory of juvenile male embarrassment at anything that makes them uncomfortable. The ironic fact here is that Mitch McConnell is a way bigger cocksucker than Barney Frank ever considered being. The sick hypocrisy of these “Christian” “patriots” makes me want to puke, really. I’m already heaving.

Ok, so you can’t be Gay and serve in the military. Wait, I’m sorry; I misstated the policy. You can’t be Gay and tell the truth and serve in the military. I suppose it’s ok to be a Gay liar and serve, whatever advantage that may bestow on the nation. What’s next? You can’t admit you’re Gay and vote? If you admit you’re Gay, you can’t be a hairdresser? (Ouch) Where does it stop? You can’t serve if you have a leather fetish? You haven’t had heterosexual contact in the last two years, so you’re out? What is up with this nation’s fascination with who’s doing who? I just don’t get it. We are trying to fight half a dozen wars of world domination in God-forsaken places that no American would visit for 15 minutes without a tour-guide, a tank and air cover, and we are turning away patriotic Gays who weirdly enough want to serve in the military at a time of pointless and seemingly endless war. Who comes up with this nonsense?

Here are the facts as I personally know them. There are Gays in the military right now. I was in the Army in the late 70’s and there were known Gays serving right alongside the rest of us, male and female. Us guys knew there were some girls you shouldn’t waste your vodka on unless you wanted help tuning up your Jeep, and there were guys clearly queerer than Malaysian money cleaning their rifles just like the rest of us. Now that I think about it, it is suspicious that the high command never noticed that those rifles were a bit TOO clean. Anyway, nobody cared, except the usual handful of maladjusted simian homophobes and assorted drowned-in-the-blood-of-Jesus types, and that one guy who pined away for the cute, chubby Mexican-American lesbian girl with the spider tattoo; I felt bad for him. Otherwise, Communism was defeated in short order and nobody was turned any more perverted than they already were to start with.

None of the arguments that anyone makes for preventing Gays from openly serving in the military make any sense, unless you are pursuing the implementation of your religious principles with my tax money, in which case you can go fuck yourself. Let’s just let all the Gays serving keep it on the down low so the homophobes have to suspect that everyone in the shower is eying their Johnson. Let’s accommodate in our soldiers the very irrational fear and illogical hatred that we are fighting to eradicate from the ass ends of the Earth. Let’s think like the Taliban, act like the Taliban and reap the benefits of a Taliban controlled society for ourselves. All John Boehner needs is a turban, four wives in shuttlecock burqas and an eye patch and he can compete in the Mullah Omar be-alike contest. Thomas Jefferson was probably too busy sneaking down the alley with Sally to worry about shit like this, but I don’t think he would be on board, and you now fucking-aye that Ben Franklin would not party with the Republican Party.

We Americans enjoy the hard-won right to express our opinions and participate in our own governance, and the common defense; well, most of us anyway. I am willing to bet that there were some queer sons-of-bitches on the beaches in Normandy, although they probably had to hide who they truly were from just about everybody and perhaps even died there as emotional ciphers. There were probably also some desperately wanting-to-be-flaming faggots on both sides of the line at Chickamauga, where the creeks ran red with blood. With all the help the French gave us, you know there was some of that love that didn’t even know it couldn’t speak its name trailing around with the Continental Army. The fact is, Gay people are just people; people, who have participated in the life of this country since the very beginning and have paid for freedom with their blood, sweat and tears, and their very lives, just like the rest of us. Fuck you Mitch McConnell, and the horse you rode in on.

The Basics of American Electoral Process

2010-09-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

I used to think a tea party involved a little girl sitting around a table with dolls and stuffed animals engaging in a fantasy ritual which involved tiny plastic teapots and a childlike suspension of rational understanding in favor of the excitement of the impossible. Turns out I was right all along. Recent primary election results in several of the fine states of this wonderful Union have confirmed that when Mommy and Daddy fight, or a family member is very ill, or a big dog frightens you, a retreat into comfortable fantasy is the most psychologically convenient course of action for people who don’t understand the world and feel weak and helpless in the face of its powerful and mysterious forces.

Fear is one of the most potent of human motivators, competing for primacy with hope, love and the possibility of gain. In 2008, the majority of citizens who bothered to vote were principally motivated by hope, the hope that there could really be a change in the slow decline of America’s economic and moral significance and change to the selfishly poisonous political processes which make addressing the nation’s real problems impossible. We took a chance on a charismatic but completely untested young fellow from Illinois and gave him majorities in both Houses of Congress with which to implement the desired change. Unfortunately, Mr. Obama turned out to be a much more charismatic and decisive campaigner than chief executive and his allies in congress consistently played one of the main roles from “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken”, and it wasn’t “The Ghost”. The net result is that, despite some significant positive legislative accomplishments, the changes that American Progressives (i.e. Liberals, hippies and Buddhists) were hoping for, have not materialized and are, in fact, not even on the horizon.

I’m not going to take the time to go down the extensive list of the things I thought President Obama was going to try to do which he hasn’t. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and not call them promises, but nonetheless we are still at war, still spying on our own citizens, still denying all those unfathomably gay people out there an equal right to participate as full citizens of this great nation, still not focusing on investments in education and research, and we still haven’t freed the Federal Government from the stranglehold of corporate lobbyists and the corrosive impact of corporate cash in the electoral process. I suppose Mr. Obama can’t really resolve all these issues by himself, but I don’t hear him even talking about them anymore. He seems to have lost the fire. I’m still mad as hell, and he isn’t.

So back to the fear thing. The question we are currently faced with is how to conduct a comprehensive search for a hero while we are busy circling the drain. I have come to understand the anger and frustration that a lot of Americans are feeling, and displaying, including our fine Tea Party affiliated citizens. I suppose many people who support “Tea Party” candidates are decent, honest and hardworking Americans who have simply lost faith in the standard political choices, although I remain unfortunately convinced that the majority are just born again racists or failed artists, but there can be no doubt that there is a genuine sense of fear among most Americans about what the future holds, and rightly so. We are facing a list of ills that rival the Great Unpleasantness of 1861 or the Nippon Nastiness of 1941, but we now have the additional bonus of the least competent national leadership of any stripe in 10 generations and the whiniest and most self-absorbed populace of any nation since France became a country.

I like Mr. Obama’s analogy of the Republicans being the ones who drove the car into the ditch. Indeed they drove it through the ditch, out the other side and into the forest striking several trees and ejecting all the passengers before plunging into the abandoned quarry and sinking 186 feet into the murky, chartreuse water. No way I want those freaks driving again, but the Democrats are like the group of strapping, able-bodied eco-tourists who witnessed the whole thing and are just standing around plaintively whining “please, won’t someone please do something!?” Obama, being the leader, just paces back and forth mumbling to himself and you can only catch snatches of “hope”, “change”, “new paradigm” and “shit” as he meanders around. The Tea Partiers, my favorite analogy villains, are the inbred country cousins who are slowly shambling out of the woods to sodomize and eat the corpses. Lacking a fully developed forebrain, they claim to be Republicans, but they actually eat flesh instead of just sucking blood. This ain’t no way to run a superpower.

So here comes Election 2010, the year of fear. Christine O’Donnell is courting the anti-masturbation vote, which I would never previously have considered to be much of a strategy, but maybe there is something about Delaware that I don’t know. In Nevada, Sharon Angle has done everything but put out a contract on Harry Reid’s life, worthless toad though he may be, and across the nation money flows into the Republican coffers in anticipation of a return to Lady Liberty getting molested and the rich getting richer. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and probably again until I can come up with a new idea; we are so very fucked.

If there were 535 Democrats in the Congress, they couldn’t pass gas. The only glue that holds the Democrats together is their fear of the Republicans. Democrats have the organizational skills of a rabid howler monkey and the foresight of a horny teenager. Democrats cannot save themselves, let alone the country. The good news is that we have the Republicans. The Republicans are a foul cesspool of self-serving hypocrisy, messianic delusion and good, old fashioned Southern dumbassedness. You might as well drop your children off at a halfway house for convicted pedophiles as to put the Republicans in charge of anything. There is the so called “Tea Party”, I guess, which is really just the armed militia of the Republican Party, but they have the added advantage of humorously sanctimonious “Constitutionalism” and no sense of shame. I’m pretty sure Ben Franklin would eat his wig before he would debate topiary with Sarah Palin, but Ben had an eye for the ladies and would probably have stove-piped her ass until she spoke Latin. I love this country. I can’t wait for November.

The Book of Fire, Chapter One; Verse One

2010-09-09T14:38:00.001-07:00

The Reverend Terry Jones ironically shares a name with another modern surrealist, the Terry Jones of Monty Python fame, the man who directed “Monty Python’s the Meaning of Life”, a movie the Reverend Terry Jones could clearly benefit from viewing. I point this out simply to avoid any confusion on the part of readers who may appreciate the absurdist humor in the self-indulgent clown show of Burn-a-Koran Day being brought to us by the good people at the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. The right Reverend Jones, a man with a history of Messianic delusions, wants some attention and clearly knows how to get it, and the world, including this humble Wormhole Repairman, has certainly consented to indulge him.

I have sometimes been accused of being a cynic, principally I think, because of my predilection for pointing out the logical inconsistencies and contradictions that are so prevalent in human actions. In all fairness, I can appreciate the irony in much of my own behavior, so I don’t think it would be too hypocritical to suggest that the good Reverend is a douchebag, hayseed, barleycorn punk with a bad Doc Holiday mustache. I’m not going to suggest this though, because name calling is immature and counter-productive and beneath the dignity of substantive debate on issues of importance. Suffice it to say that I have significant disagreements with the implied positions of Reverend Jones with respect to the role of religion in human affairs and the public priorities of decent and thoughtful people.

Here at the Love World Outrage Center in Clearwater, Florida, we have done some checking on facts and stuff and have concluded that an irony alert should be issued. Reverend Jones has stated that his justification for creating all this uproar is to defend the “truth” of Christianity against anti-Christian theologies such as Islam; apparently Islam does not recognize the divinity of Jesus Christ and is therefore a dirty lie. The Reverend will have to be a busy man, since two-thirds of the population of the world does not share his beliefs and Christianity is actually down a percentage point or two over the past 110 years. The irony, however, is that you will not see a Burn-a-Bible Day in Saudi Arabia anytime soon, because Islam prohibits disrespect to the Holy texts of Christianity and Judaism. In the Islamic view of things, Jesus is a Holy Prophet born of a virgin and the Bible is the divinely revealed wisdom of God, albeit slightly adulterated by the impure hands of man. When the Prophet Mohammad took his famous night trip to Jerusalem on the flying donkey and ascended briefly into heaven, the last dude he encountered before coming into the presence of God Almighty was Jesus, indicating a special place of honor for the Christ. Isa, the Arabic transliteration of Jesus, is a relatively common boy’s name in the Islamic world. Why, then, Reverend Jones chooses to insult his theological cousins when there are all sorts of real pagans out there is a mystery to me.

Anyway, book burning, like witch burning, is an old trick which is useful precisely because of the smoke it produces. Motives and facts are obscured by a gaseous cloud and demons are conjured from the everyday diversity of human thought. The Nazis burned books in huge ceremonies, metaphorically cleansing the national soul of impure ideas. As it turns out, the books burned were apparently mostly copies of “The History of the Napoleonic Wars”, leaving Mr. Hitler with a decided lack of strategic understanding. This is what book burning does; it makes us dumber. There are a lot of books that one might consider useless, or even dangerous, but knowledge of the useless and the dangerous is also knowledge that may be useful and beneficial. We cannot erase, deny or destroy any significant element of the history of the world by burning anything; even the ashes will tell a tale worth hearing. Reverend Jones and his followers have apparently not learned that truth cannot be created out of destruction any more than I can renovate my house by burning my neighbor’s house down.

Reverend Jones would do well to look to America’s past to understand his failure as both a sentient being and a man of God. Many of our forefathers knew what it was like to be persecuted for their religious beliefs and they abandoned the nations of their birth by the thousands to come to a new land and find a new hope. What we must all understand is that they didn’t come seeking a land of theological diversity and religious tolerance, they came seeking a vacant wasteland where through faith and determination they could carve out an island of religious purity that met their theological preferences. This observation is not at all un-American slander, but rather essential American pragmatism; everybody knows that you cannot compromise eternal truth and the only way people with different views on truth can peacefully coexist is if theology is kept out of the public dialog and everybody minds their own damned business. It is our social contract that we grant the functional equivalent of tolerance and respect to the beliefs of others only and solely in exchange for the same consideration. We are not obligated to try to understand or empathize with anyone’s beliefs, although we may if we choose; we are simply bound to be at least reasonably indifferent when we meet on the street.

This poorly understood fact is ironically one of America’s great strengths; by allowing us to be inflexible and uncompromising within the context of a flexible compromise, we are able to sustain both religious dogmatism and secular pluralism in a single national framework. This allows people of all religions to engage in commerce, recreation and even have sex with each other without having to feel like we have abandoned our primitive and irrational divinely revealed truths. Some might waggishly observe that this amounts to gross self-deception, but in the context of human imperfection, a certain amount of self-deception is necessary for moral progress to be made; one of the fundamental aims of monotheism is to convince us that we are not animals so that we will quit acting like animals. The great religious teachers, Zoroaster, Mohammad, Jesus and the Buddha, to name a few, all hypnotized their followers with astounding acts of character and regaled them with tales of the miraculous in order to instill a belief that there are human possibilities beyond the socio-biological imperatives of survival-unto-procreation and that the wretched, morally ambiguous practice of daily life was not the only course a soul might follow. The fact that application of these religious principles has generally proven to be as flawed and contradictory as people themselves should be of no surprise to anyone.

So the fact is that Reverend Jones is fucking up our sweet deal with his idiotic anti-Islam crusade. Religion is the atomic bomb of social conflict and there is no cure for this on even the distant horizon and all crap like Koran burning does is stir up trouble for decent people of all beliefs. Reverend Jones may think Islam is a tool of the Devil, but good and evil can only be discerned to the extent that we are willing to look honestly and objectively at our own moral failures; without this perspective such terms are meaningless and the flames of a billion Korans will not illuminate the selfish conceit of the absolute certainty of a small, fearful mind. Religion is often a trap for the ignorant and sometimes a luxury for the wise, but I am sure that the Holy Koran is equally as holy as anything else in this world, even if that is the supreme example of damning with faint praise. I, for one, welcome my Muslim brothers to the great debate, the Gordian knot which is freedom, and ask only that they hate and ridicule in private, like the rest of us patriotic Americans are sworn to do; otherwise we will ultimately have to invite the good Reverend to pull up a chunk of rubble, have a seat and throw another Koran on the fire, because the nuclear winter of the human soul is bound to be lengthy and harsh.

The Book of Fire, Chapter One; Verse One

2010-09-09T14:35:00.001-07:00

Diamonds are Definitely Not a Girl’s Best Friend

2010-09-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

I recently had an encounter with a venomous serpent that chose to challenge me for supremacy over the swimming pool. Given the nearly toxic levels of chlorine necessary to prevent the proliferation of scum during the sultry Florida summer, the snake probably found the environment less than hospitable and was exiting the chemical warfare facility when observed by my wife, who promptly informed me that there was a “huge” snake in the pool. The intruder proved to be a 24-inch long Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake who had somehow evaded the complex security to enter the critter exclusion zone in pursuit of whatever self-actualization is available to reptiles. My years of allegedly “useless” television viewing paid off in spades when I was quickly able to identify the triangular head as belonging to a deadly pit viper, not a creature to be incautiously addressed, even at only 24-inches.

With the aid of the pool skimmer and its eight foot aluminum handle, I was able to subdue the beast without incident or apparent harm to the creature itself, although it did strike at the plastic frame of the net numerous times during the encounter. The young lad vigorously shook its tail throughout, although, due to its immaturity, it didn’t do much better than mustering a barely audible buzz. Once perched upon the skimmer net the bemused snake was transported to the back yard where it was unceremoniously dumped over the fence with an admonition not to return, especially not to return when it was fully grown. The snake played it cool, slithering away into the brush without any hint of appreciation of the indignity of having been bested by the superior Homo sapiens.

A mature Eastern Diamondback can be as long as seven feet in length and packs some serious venom, which has both hemotoxin and neurotoxin components. It is estimated that untreated adult bites have a human fatality rate of approximately thirty-percent, so it probably makes sense not to antagonize a grownup Crotalus adamanteus. While the Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake is apparently very common throughout its range, I have spent most of my life in Georgia and Florida, quite a bit of it in the woods, and had never seen one in the wild prior to this adventure, if a swimming pool counts as “the wild”. I can only assume that they don’t much like human company, although they are particularly fond of rats and rabbits, but not as Facebook friends.

My wild encounter with this lethal reptilian assassin got me to thinking about snakes and stuff. Everything in nature, it seems, has a place, an identifiable function, except us. In a balanced system, the snakes keep the rabbit population under control, thus the rabbits don’t denude their environment of vegetation, avoiding both rabbit famine and snake starvation. In turn, the snakes don’t eat too many rabbits because they only need to feed once every few weeks. This particular predator/prey relationship is just one of probably hundreds of thousands which make up the very complex web of interactions that sustain our planet’s ecosystem and, by extension, our lives. However, with the possible exception of Ted Nugent, the human race exists largely beyond, and often in contradiction to, this system, primarily by choice.

With managed herds of genetically controlled livestock, much of our need for protein is met outside of the normal predator/prey relationship, which has allowed our populations to swell dangerously. In cases where we still exploit the natural system, we often foolishly over-use resources, resulting in the long-term loss of sustainability. Of course, everybody knows these things, yet we still resist acknowledging our own responsibility on a personal level. We are in the awkward position of being both in the audience and in the movie at the same time; we are so disconnected from nature by both process and philosophy that most of us really don’t know where we fit in the scheme of things. We are just somewhere between the animals and the angels, an assessment which provides little guidance in global ecological responsibility.

Ironically, one thing that is probably true about us is that, of all nature’s creatures, we are the only ones capable of appreciating nature, and ourselves, in the abstract. It is very unlikely that the Cape Buffalo marvels at the stealth and speed of the Nile Crocodile or appreciates the evolutionary refinement which provides such tremendous power with such a conservative metabolism. The Cape Buffalo probably just thinks “oh shit”, if it really thinks at all. We, on the other hand, can marvel at the intricate electrical sensing apparatus of the Tiger Shark and the perfected design of its aquadynamics, even as it circles in curiosity. Of course, if it turns towards us with an opened mouth, we will probably be thinking much the same as the buffalo.

Perhaps then this is what the role of humanity is in the big picture; we are entrusted with the knowledge of the beauty and wonder and mystery of nature. We are assigned the task of seeking to understand that which all other creatures are simply programmed to accept. Entrusted by whom, you may ask? Who knows; divine writ, random chance, Greenpeace? I just know that in my epic battle with the deadly serpent, I felt more like the babysitter than like St. George, and I didn’t see the snake as the embodiment of evil, but as a test of whether I would submit to the evil of fear and unreasoning prejudice and destroy something beautiful and wonderful and hissing just because of the hissing thing. For my next act, I will reduce my weekly visits to McDonald’s by fifty-percent. Cockroaches are, on the other hand, the disciples of Voland and shall be shown no mercy.

On a Clear Day, You Can Seethe Forever

2010-08-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

The dark forces of silliness are truly at work in America these days, but, then again, it is difficult to identify a time in our nation’s history when that wasn’t to some extent the case. Silliness, it appears, is often a by-product of freedom, and freedom is what it is all about, baby. I most often get frustrated by silliness not so much because people don’t agree with my opinions, but because often I can’t even find common ground on what the facts are. I am not a subscriber to factual relativism, and while questions like “what does God want us to do?” can only be answered speculatively, a question such as “how many quarters do you presently hold in your right hand?” has a specific answer and, if you have three but you say you have four, then you are simply wrong; you don’t have a “different perspective” or an “alternate view”; either you can’t count, have poor vision or you’re a liar. This is an important point, especially when you are trying to reconcile the disconnect between what a group of people say they stand for and the principles their actions imply.

So, anyway, Glenn Beck has this circus of some sort in Washington, D.C. which is attended by either 1,200 or 2,000,000 people, depending on whether you watch MSNBC or Fox, and he goes on and on about something of which I have no idea since I didn’t participate, but which looks like praying with indigestion. Christopher Hitchens, the terminally ill, atheist, Libertarian curmudgeon whom I love and hate and admire and despise, called it the “Waterworld of white self-pity”; apparently not having thought much of Kevin Reynolds’ meandering 1995 cinematic magnum opus about what happens to the world when all the ice melts. Mr. Hitchens very insightfully puts his finger on exactly what is going on in America right now which I had as yet not been able to piece together.

Undereducated and generally conservative white America, opines Mr. Hitchens, is essentially in mourning over the impending doom of the Eurocentric foundation of American culture and the resulting loss of racial and cultural arrogance which has fueled our smug sense of superiority as God’s chosen nation for so long (my words, not his). Despite years of Internet and decades of television, large, mostly white, segments of America’s population, are genuinely ignorant about, and afraid of, most of the rest of the world. Because the churches have fanned the flames of orthodoxy forever to keep their meal tickets from wandering off and the Government has demonized half the world in order to justify wars of economic convenience and the expansion of the military/industrial complex, many Americans really feel we are about to be overrun by the Visigoths. Christianity is in peril, cornbread is endangered and the missionary position will be a thing of the past. This sense of desperation is resulting in things like the armed civilian border patrols and all the cock-a-doodle-do over the “Ground Zero Mosque”. The coalescing event for these disparate concerns was the election of Barrack Obama as President. Here’s a guy with a foreign sounding name who is not like the guys who were over last Sunday watching NASCAR, a man who had a Muslim father and who actually lived for a time in a foreign country (if he wasn’t born there!). Then he wants to quit killing Arabs and mend fences with the Islamic world. What’s a working class white person to think?

It really had somehow not occurred to me that there was anything going on with the silent soon-to-be minority other than the usual Lee Atwater/Karl Rove manipulation of the ignorant masses combined with the trauma of the worst economy in most everybody’s adult lifetime; but after reading Mr. Hitchens’ missive, it finally dawned on me why I am so uncomfortable with the current state of affairs in our wonderful nation. There are large numbers of my fellow citizens who really believe that something important, irretrievable and wrong is happening in America right now. What I am talking about is not simple racism or the commonplace apocalyptical nonsense of the religiously deranged, but a real fear that a valuable, even paramount, element of human culture is being lost. As wacky as it sounds to some of us, the avalanche of brown skin, open homosexuality, indecipherable religions, unintelligible languages, unfathomable technologies and funny looking people who are clearly just as smart as white folks has evoked a palpable fear that this nation will soon not be under the control of the descendants of the founders, with God-only-knows what consequences for the patriotic and the faithful.

As a 50 year-old white guy from Macon, Georgia, I can actually understand the roots of these sentiments, even if I am prone to laugh when I see them expressed. These irrational feelings are the reason “Constitutionalists” forget that the Constitution says “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” and that the 14th Amendment prevents States from depriving citizens of rights that the U.S. Constitution guarantees. These illogical fears are the reason Christians forget that they are commanded to love their neighbors as they love themselves. This nuttiness is the reason Glenn Beck has a TV show, not visa versa.

During the course of my interesting but largely wasted life, I have learned that human beings are way more alike in every way than they are different in any way. I have learned that wisdom and fear seldom occupy the same space; and I have learned that ignorance and hate are twins separated at birth and both raised by really bad parents. I know that what my fellow citizens fear is a figment and that the power of the idea of freedom and commitment to the principle of fairness will be irresistible to all who come after us, no matter their cultural roots or genetic heritage. I know that despite the enduring presence of ignorance, fear and intolerance in America that there will always be a place for minority views, even stupid ones, because of the insight, courage and tolerance of the majority of Americans, of every race and creed.

God bless you Mr. Hitchens, even if he doesn’t exist. Mr. Beck, prayer and hard work are empirically demonstrated to work better than prayer alone. Angry looking old white lady, chill; the die is cast and the nation and the world will be better for it. Peter, put away thy sword. E.T, phone home. Thomas Jefferson, you old scoundrel, the father of freedom and race-mixing, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.

Today in History

2010-08-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

The thing I like about history is that it gives one hope. Not necessarily hope that things will get any better, but hope that human civilization will continue in some form, despite the collective arrogance, ignorance, foolishness and stupidity of the human race. It’s not like we’re not smarter than gophers and mina birds and stuff, but gophers don’t have a military/industrial complex to keep under control. One theme that is consistent in history is the prevalence of political and religious extremism in collapsing empires. There’s always some agitated group or another claiming that if we just sacrifice more children to the gods, or kill all the Jews, or cut taxes, or give away all our possessions and worship Bhagwan Buttercup that the situation will stabilize and we’ll be fine in the long run. The problem with these simple solutions is that they are seldom comprehensive enough to address the complexities of the global political and economic conditions that drive change. The problem with complexities is that they are complex, which means they are complicated which means excited people don’t score well on the test.

And so it was, 94 years ago today, that the brave forces of glorious Romania moved against the less-than-brave and glorious forces of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the last of the Dual Monarchies, in the region of Transylvania. Romania had entered into a secret treaty with the Anglo-Franco-Russian Alliance which guaranteed them substantial territorial gains if the Allies were victorious. Perhaps the Romanians anticipated the substantial tourism economy created by vampire movies, or maybe they just wanted to control the vast mineral wealth. Anyway, based upon the recent successes of the Russian Army against the Austro-Hungarians, they bet on the Allied horse and set their sights on running the demoralized Austro-Hungarians out of Transylvania.

Unfortunately for the Romanians, Russian successes would be short lived as the political unrest in Russia spread and detracted from the commitment to the war. In addition, a scant few weeks after Romanian forces moved into the nearly impenetrably mountainous and heavily wooded terrain, all armies of the Central Powers were placed under the control of the German General Staff, which meant the incompetent Austrian aristocrats that had been mucking up the Empire’s war effort were sacked and replaced with Prussian officers who were way more interested in killing the enemies of the Fatherland than their predecessors had been. German General August von Mackensen had won the Iron Cross in the Franco-Prussian War as a young lieutenant and was in no mood to gratify Romanian territorial ambitions or opportunistic war-making. He set to work beating the crap out of the Romanian army, and by December of 1916, he had routed them and captured the capitol, Bucharest.

Ultimately, in May of 1918, Romania surrendered unconditionally to the Central Powers, but by then the Germans were on the verge of collapse themselves. Following the conclusion of the war, Romania was rewarded by the victorious Allies with most of the territory they had sought to take by force, although the Allies were unable to restore the 335,000 casualties suffered by the Romanians in less than two years. In exchange for their soul, they got the Dacian gold mines which had so drawn the Roman Emperor Trajan 1800 years before. It would appear that vampires are not the only blood-suckers one might encounter in Transylvania.

Anyway, to America’s credit, we have seldom displayed the military opportunism inherent in Romania’s actions in World War One, unless you count the invasion of Canada during the Revolution, the war with Mexico, the war with Spain, the seizure of Hawaii, various invasions in the Caribbean, wholesale genocide of the Native Americans and the depopulation of Diego Garcia, but all those things happened at least 20 years ago. Now that President Obama is in charge, we can rest assured that America’s military will never be used as an instrument of economic policy; that we will never again descend like jackals on the decaying corpse of a foreign empire with the intention of securing lucrative mineral rights or advantageous terms for our corporations. I can feel the change and it feels pretty familiar.

The Truth of Horror and the Horror of Truth

2010-08-23T17:46:00.000-07:00

It’s almost football season and school starts soon for my two developmentally disabled teenage sons. Before anybody gets all sentimental and feels sorry for them, my sons are completely normal in all respects; which is, of course, what is wrong with them. I have no teenage daughters, so I cannot speak knowledgably about their behavior, but teenage boys are natural born Republicans; arrogant, narcissistic, self-centered, indifferent to the suffering of others and completely opposed to contributing a dime to the common maintenance. If you are a Republican and are offended by this, so am I. Anyway, my father voted for Richard Nixon three times and I never hated him for his politics, just his lousy parenting skills. What my kids think of me is anybody’s guess, since they will only mumble it under their breath.

Speaking of bigotry and xenophobia, I see that the “Ground Zero Mosque” controversy continues to consume the interest of many decent, hard-working Americans. I have already waxed poetic on this subject, and there’s not much more to say, but this is an opportunity for me to further promulgate one of my key rules, this one being the Wormhole Repairman’s Law of Public Discourse. The law simply states that “the amount of time devoted to the discussion of a public policy issue shall always be inversely proportional to the actual significance of the issue discussed”. It has been pointed out that there are “Ground Zero” strip clubs and other such disrespectful goings-on in the vicinity, but I guess there aren’t many Muslims in the strip clubs, so they’re ok. But really folks, who gives a rat’s ass what they do in New York? I suppose strippers are generally more helpful in getting things like towers to stand up than bringing them down (I emphasize “generally”), so maybe there is an ironic synergy at work. Nonetheless, I must repeat for the sake of emphasis that when “right” and “wrong” are defined by who screams the loudest, this country will be damned well fucked.

I understand that the great Kentucky paragon of virtue, Senator Mitch McConnell, has graciously condescended to take President Obama at his word that Mr. Obama is a Christian. Well, goody; I am quite relieved now. I was afraid that the President might start looking after orphans and widows and stop blowing up Afghans and Arabs to the tune of $300 billion a year. God only knows where we would be if anyone with actual religious principle were to have some influence in what goes on in Washington. Unfortunately, I cannot extend the same courtesy to Senator McConnell; having read all that stuff in the Bible about not throwing stones, and camels and needles, and taking care of the poor and the meek inheriting things, I have come to the conclusion that Jesus was a filthy hippy socialist who wanted to heal the corrosive hatred in men’s hearts and that Senator McConnell is not playing on the same team as Jesus. I did also read that “judge not” thing, so I am officially classifying this observation as an opinion, not a judgment. I’m sure Senator McConnell is a wonderful person and I can only pray that he gets to the gates of Heaven as quickly as possible so that he can begin to reap his well deserved eternal reward.

Did I mention that I am leading the movement to have Glenn Beck’s citizenship revoked? Well, actually no; that would require effort, but I am going to rest upon my overly broad buttocks and pontificate about the Teapublican Party’s intermittent discussions on refining the qualifications for American Citizenship. The system that has served us so well for over 140 years is apparently broken, as indicated by the increasing numbers of citizens who are not of purely European descent. Pretty soon, good old fashioned white people will be in the minority in this country. Clearly this is not what the Founders anticipated when they declared slaves to be 3/5ths of a person. Stupid me; I had always felt that being an “American” was all about believing in the ideals of America; the rule of law (yes, even immigration law), clearly defined and vigorously defended rights, economic opportunity and faith in the ability of a free people to rule themselves in both prosperity and security. I support better control over our nation’s borders for a number of practical reasons, but I am not in favor of turning our borders into killing fields, nor am I in favor of changing the definition of American Citizenship to influence demographic outcomes. I suspect that, if the truth be known, Pedro and Juan, who have just arrived in the country by means contrary to law, may be more committed to a tolerant and pluralistic society than some of the folks who were born here. Now, that doesn’t make their presence any less illegal, but it makes me way less worried about the future of this great nation. Glenn Beck is entitled to his opinion, and, as long as Glenn Beck doesn’t have his way, I am entitled to mine.

In other news, failed Napoleon look-alike contestant, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, has announced that the Persian nation has produced a pilotless drone which can be utilized as a platform for launching cruise missiles. It is important to note that an anagram for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is “Jehad Humanoid Madam”. I will have to consult the Kabbalah to determine what this means, but it can’t be good. Every time Iran duplicates a 1972 U.S. defense technology, they have a big parade and talk trash about raining scorpions on our heads for seven generations and such. Unfortunately, nuclear weapons are a 1945 technology, so they are probably not far off. I am greatly torn on this issue, as I am not a big proponent of blasting people into dust for reasons of political disagreement, but I am also not comfortable with Iran having the ability to produce nuclear weapons. Just for the record, I’m not too comfortable with the idea of anyone having the ability to produce nuclear weapons, us included, but that horse is out of the barn and across town; we still have a chance to address the issue of further proliferation. I only hope we can do it without further baby killing. It should be noted that if Sarah Palin were to be elected President of the United States, we would have the same problem Iran has now with an arrogant dumbass front and center on everything.

Finally, last Friday (August 20th) was the 120th anniversary of the birth of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, American Gothic horror writer and generally sickly dude. He died on March 15, 1937 at the ripe old age of 46 from colon cancer. Lovecraft was not particularly well-known or admired during his lifetime, but after his death he became something of an American Icon and is, in my view, clearly the father of America’s (and by Hollywood extrapolation, the World’s) fascination with mutant creatures lurking in the abyss and all sorts or horrific mutilation and haunted madmen. As a connoisseur of all things horror, I can attest to Mr. Lovecraft’s inky New England fingerprints on literally half of all the stories, books and movies in the horror genre produced in the last 50 years, even if the authors themselves are not aware of their debt to the master. There were a lot of unsavory aspects to Lovecraft’s ideology to be sure; he was clearly bigoted and a social elitist, but perhaps not overly so for the age and place in which he lived, and a few of his stories convey some rather dangerous presumptions about the value of racial purity, but these ideas fit well with his general theme of the decay and corruption of human civilization and the inevitable fall of scientific culture and return to a more natural state of primitivism. To Lovecraft, humanity was created out of the boredom of indifferent, or even malevolent, gods who cared nothing for our fate, and at the heart of all creation lurked a truth so profoundly disturbing that madness was the only possible consequence of human enlightenment; all that and he never even had teenage children. So here’s to you, H.P. Lovecraft; prophet and beggar, visionary and bigot, weak and sickly and a truly frightening man. May Cthulhu welcome you to his watery exile in the infinite abyss, dude.

It Sure is Dark in Here

2010-08-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

What’s the story with the Vampire Squid, you ask? Well, Vampyroteuthis infernali, as we refer to it in Ancient Rome, is about a foot long and does not sensually drain the blood from the necks of lusty Victorian virgins. In fact, I’m still a bit uncertain about this whole Victorian virgin concept. Let’s face it, people are people and even wealthy 23 year-old women like sex, if only under specific conditions, one of which is, of course, that I’m not present. We know all that Virgin Queen stuff was crap and a Victorian virgin was probably just someone who had never had sex with their clothes off, or something similar, but less acceptable.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with the Vampire Squid, which is really the last known survivor of a line which originated way back near the Octopus/Squid evolutionary split. In fact, the Vampire Squid was actually identified as an octopus when first classified in 1903, but further research found that it was more sort of like a squid and less sort of like an octopus, although still kind of like both. The Vampire Squid spends its life in the complete darkness at 2000 to 3000 feet down in the temperate climes of the ocean where it need never fear bursting into flames from the sun’s ultraviolet rays or encountering unsavory garlic cloves. Dr, Van Helsing, having no access to the Bathysphere, is also not likely to show up wielding any stake-firing contraptions.

The Vampire Squid gets it name from a couple of interesting physical characteristics. It has silky flaps of skin between its tentacles which make it look like it is wearing a cape, like Bela Lugosi at the opera. Its dark, reddish black coloration, along with its red or blue eyes, contributes to this image. In addition, it has a pair of small fins on either side of its head which have the appearance of bat ears, giving it an overall bat-like form, which is how vampires look when they are flying home at the crack of dawn after having stayed out too late. Vampires, it seems, cannot tell time. There are probably a few other names the Vampire Squid could have been given, such as the “weird-ass looking squid” or the “it’s so damned dark down here I can’t see a frigging thing squid”, but all in all, I think Vampire is just fine.

Vampire Squid have very low metabolic rates due to the lack of oxygen at such depths, so they mostly just float around and get with the cosmic groove. Of course, they have to eat, so they do occasionally grab a passing shrimp or jellyfish which is also just about unconscious from oxygen deprivation. In addition to its caped tentacles, the Vampire Squid has a pair of long filaments which it trails along behind it in the darkness. When these filaments contact something, the squid reverses course and envelopes its prey with its cape. The prey may momentarily think to itself “it sure is dark in here”, but probably not.

On the other hand, if the filaments encounter something that is not a proper prey item, natural selection may occur. In fact, the Vampire Squid has been found in the stomachs of a range of customers as diverse as sharks, whales and sea lions. However, the Vampire Squid has a few tricks up its sleeve(s) for any potential predators. Its entire cape is covered with small, light-emitting organs which can be activated in any of an endless combination of sequences. When threatened, the Vampire Squid will launch into a disorienting light show which confuses the predator long enough for the squid to say a prayer and try to inconspicuously float away. Fish of a certain age may feel they are having a flashback, or that the Good Fairy is coming to give them a pony; in either case, they may forget what they were actually there for. In addition, the Vampire Squid has a pair of larger light-emitting organs on its head which can be employed to mimic the reflective eyes of a larger creature. This may frighten off some predators which may think to themselves “it’s awfully dark around here and I really can’t tell what the deuce that thing is, so maybe I’ll just mosey along”. Of course, the larger predators, like the shark and whale, just might think to themselves “Wow! That’s a big fish! It’s probably way tastier than that skinny-ass Vampire Squid”. Nature, unfortunately offers only what is needed to survive, not perfection.

There’s not much more to the Vampire Squid story. Like the rest of us, they eat and make babies and try not to be eaten themselves, or fall victim to any ponzi schemes. Not to change the subject, but I read a short-story once about a vampire that was on the Titanic when it sank. He couldn’t wait for the rescue boats because they wouldn’t arrive until after dawn, so he had to dive deep down to where there was no sunlight. While he couldn’t drown or starve, the cold and lack of fresh blood made him so weak he sank to the bottom where he remains to this day in a semi-conscious state, waiting for James Cameron to come dredge him up, hopefully at night. A lot of us are like that, waiting for someone to dredge us up, so perhaps we can once again wonder at life and miracles like the dark sky of stars. The Vampire Squid doesn’t care; it is at peace with itself and its place in the Universe, and it makes its own stars.

Truth is Colder Than Space

2010-08-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am still mourning the death of Pluto as a planet, although the astronomers were at least kind enough in consolation to allow it to revel in the status of “dwarf” planet, which is to my mind not significantly better than “big chunk of ice”; I apologize to any dwarves reading this. Pluto himself is probably not too concerned about his namesake, as business in the underworld is, without doubt, booming. There is something satisfyingly Gothic about Pluto and his henchman Charon wandering the solar system’s nether regions in near darkness, but just about four years ago the International Astronomical Union optioned them to the minors for a planet to be named later and school children now have one less planet to memorize. Science marches on, but for every wonder discovered there is a comfortable fallacy destroyed and the factual underpinning of much of my childhood awe has through time fallen to ruins.

Now comes word that the beloved Triceratops, stalwart enemy of the mighty Tyrannosaur, is naught but an error in judgment; a flawed conclusion of over-tired paleontological minds. Jack Horner (who is of average stature) and John Scannella (size unknown) of Montana State University have brought forward the theory that the Triceratops is just a juvenile version of the Torosaurus. Apparently it has long been something of a mystery as to why there were no fossils of immature Torosauruses when the adult remains were plentiful. Since Triceratops and Torosaurus are found in the same geological time and places, at some point our heroes Horner and Scannella sorted out the puzzle and declared the Triceratops to be nothing more than a rebellious teenager. There is other evidence that supports the conclusion, and the paleontological community has embraced the theory, so it is probably correct, but that doesn’t make me any happier.

Frankly, the Torosaurus does not look nearly as cool as the Triceratops, although in fairness we really don’t know exactly what any dinosaur’s actual appearance was, but there sure as hell weren’t any Torosauruses in that bucket of dinosaurs I played with when I was six. There was T-Rex, Brontosaurus (also murdered by taxonomists), Stegosaurus, Pterodactyl (technically a flying retile) and Triceratops, and a few partially melted army men. Triceratops always stubbornly held his ground against the massive T-Rex and I learned at the age of six that you didn’t have to be the biggest to prevail; you just needed to have long, sharp horns with which to gore the flabby underbelly of the bully. This is the type of knowledge that can either enhance your life or send you to prison, depending on how you apply it. Even the completely bitchin’ Stegosaurus would likely not go a round with the Triceratops over some tasty grass, if grass had evolved then. Now that is all washed away by the inexorable march of truth. The Triceratops probably didn’t stand its ground at all, but rather ran home to mama, borrowed five dollars, illegally acquired a pack of cigarettes and hung out with a bunch of up-to-no-good neighborhood punks vandalizing stuff, unless it was eaten first.

Science is a wonderful process and, despite what Luddites and Baptists will tell you, it is neither evil nor false, but science does require that we remain open to new facts and willing to discard the broken ones. Science does not endorse pride because pride inhibits the admission of error and admission of error is essential to the progress of understanding, as well as to an active sex life. I don’t believe science is the answer to all mankind’s questions, just the answer to those that actually have an answer; the rest, and perhaps the majority, are the province of God. Nonetheless, I still mourn the loss of my comfortable mistakes and false facts and I sometimes wish truth were a bit more consistent with my illogical fantasies.

Anyway, I can still remember when dinosaurs were thought to be reptiles; Communism was powerful and frightening; the President and Congress were respected; there was only one Universe; the Coelacanth was extinct and the Javan Tiger wasn’t; Pluto was a planet and I was young and slim and had a full head of hair. The past is certainly flawed in many ways, but the past is where I have spent the entirety of my life, so I have an irrational fondness for it. Actually, I believe I will now subscribe to the multiple universes interpretation of Quantum Mechanics whereby all possible outcomes of an infinite set of possibilities manifest themselves in some alternate reality. There, somewhere, the indomitable Triceratops resolutely opposes the marauding Tyrannosaurus Rex, its three sturdy horns and armored frill bristling with premature death for any predator hungry enough or foolish enough to give it a go. There are no cigarette butts strewn about, no offensive graffiti, and only one solitary faded tattoo on its tough, leathery hide remains as testimony to any of the Triceretops’ youthful indiscretions.

Don't Lose Your Head Marie

2010-08-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned once or twice over the course of the past couple of years that I am something of a government bureaucrat; a very low level nobody in an enormously complex machine of local governance. As such, it is very much to my benefit to not discuss issues which have more than a very general political significance within the geography associated with my employment. Not so much because people are harsh and vengeful, which they can be, but, rather, because a government bureaucrat, whatever their personal sensibilities are, should always give the diverse and conflicted masses of citizens the impression that said bureaucrat is objective enough to maintain the emotional detachment necessary to make equitable decisions. I often say (repeatedly) that it is not my job to tell people what to think, and logic frequently dictates that I side professionally with people who I would personally prefer to decapitate with a rusty paring knife and partially dump in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Although this may sound like a less than optimal career situation, it is important for the reader to understand that this is a completely necessary element of government in a free nation. Faith in the fundamental fairness of government is required for government to preserve its legitimacy and those of us who have chosen to ignominiously toil in this profession always need to remember that we are only paid for our qualified professional opinions, not our personal ones.

Anyway, that being said, I’m going to sort of violate my rule in an obtuse and obscure manner. Without going into details, or dwelling on specifics, or really even knowing what the hell I’m talking about, I’m going to address the issue of direct democracy in America. As most of you may remember from high school, America is a republic where the nation’s leadership is chosen through democratic elections to represent the people, within constitutional limits. A republic is actually any of a number of arrangements where there is no monarch and at least some definable element of the population controls the functioning of government. That’s why we have ridiculous sounding names for ignoramus dictatorships like “The People’s Republic of China” and “The Poorly Fed and Emotionally Unstable Democratic Republic of North Korea”. They would both technically be republics, but not as we know them. The key issue here is that as Americans, we have committed ourselves to democratic representation and a universal franchise for those of at least 18 years of age, without regard to any other definable qualifications. Whether this is truly wise or not is certainly subject to discussion, but it is the American way (since 1971).

Recent events (in the past 234 years) have led many Americans to question the ability of their elected representatives, especially at the state and local level, to effectively address the pressing issues faced by our nation. Perhaps state and local governments are the target of most of this discontent because they actually provide services to people, as opposed to the Federal Government, which only takes citizen’s money, makes huge bundles out of it, and drops it on Muslims, hoping to either kill or convert them. Many people feel that the influence of special interests, especially as it relates to campaign finance, is so pervasive that it is impossible to establish a majority of representatives who are responsive to what the majority of citizens really want. This appears to be especially true with respect to issues like taxation, control of land development and anything socially divisive, like immigration reform or same-sex marriage. This discontent has led to a fondness for citizen’s referendums or “direct democracy”. The promoters of these approaches believe that by subjecting these various important decisions to a direct vote of the people, we will get a result which more accurately reflects what the “people” want, rather than the bastardized results from co-opted “representatives”.

Direct democracy is a complex and controversial subject which elicits emotional responses from many. But what the hell is it, really? Since in most elections seldom more than 50 percent of those registered to vote actually do, and since nationwide only about 70 percent of those eligible to vote are registered, in most elections less than one-third of those who could vote do vote. Does that mean that two-thirds of those who could vote just don’t care or have no opinion? It would not be unfair in a democratic system to say that if you don’t bother to vote that you can go f**k yourself, but if only one-third of the eligible citizens vote, it is really difficult to say that you have a real picture of the “will of the people”. The reality is that even 50 percent voter turnout is usually pretty optimistic, so the typical turnout is probably more like 25 percent of all eligible voters, and it is not unusual for turnout to be even worse. The point is that a direct democratic approach is no guarantee that you are getting an accurate representation of what the majority of people want any more than the representative approach. You only get a representation of what those who bother to vote want, so there is probably no actual superior electoral purity in public referenda. People chose to vote, or not, for a variety of reasons, but it would not be unreasonable to suggest that the more passionate a person is about an issue, the more likely they are to vote when that issue is at stake. It would also not be unreasonable to suggest that the more passionate one is about anything, the less objective one tends to be and the less receptive one is to contrary information. So, most elections tend to be decided by extremists of various stripes who are unlikely to carefully and objectively consider information, but rather act on emotion, and the side with the most extremists wins. Welcome to democracy.

The Athenians had a form of direct democracy around 400 B.C., but they didn’t let just any lame jamoke wander off the street and participate in the assembly. You had to be a “citizen” and you couldn’t be a citizen unless you had completed your military service. This left out women, slaves, and conscientious objectors. I assume the idea was that you had to earn the right to participate in the governance of the nation, an honor we consider to be a birthright. I’m not in any way suggesting limiting the franchise in America; I’m simply pointing out that there is no realistic nostalgia for direct democracy in America since there has never been a sustained experiment in pure direct democracy at any scale above the level of hippy commune in human history. With 60,000 voting citizens in the assembly, I can scarcely imagine what passed for public debate in Athens 2,400 years ago, but it is almost certain that there was a hierarchy even among free citizens and they probably weren’t taking voice votes.

The problem with all this is that in America we have a fascination with trying to mitigate fundamental human failure through modification of process. There is no reason to think that apathetic and ill-informed voters will be any less susceptible to the influence of massive media expenditures when considering single-issue referenda than they are when electing the representatives they feel don’t represent them. If the influence of money in politics is the problem, then we should address the problem, not the process. If we cannot trust our elected representatives to promote our best interest because their loyalty is to their corporate and political financial masters, then we need new representatives, not new processes. If representative democracy cannot survive the evolution of electronic media and the civic disconnection of diverse communities of interest, then investing unfettered decision-making authority in those who are subject to being inflamed by fear and disappointment, and who are accountable only to themselves, is probably not the best idea. Nothing is, in fact, more American than a cautious attitude towards control of legislative process by the unwashed masses. We don’t have the Electoral College to promote democracy, but to protect against it.

And most people are really sort of ok with that; as am I. Understanding that there is no perfection in any human institution, we must realistically strive to find the least imperfect alternative available. Even the most decent and thoughtful of people will make errors in judgment and sometimes be betrayed by their own biases and failures of reason. The Founding Fathers, in their still often underappreciated genius, established a torturously cumbersome system of decentralized authority which makes it damn near impossible to get anything done unless there is nearly unanimous support for it. This system has bedeviled modest majorities throughout our nation’s history and has been the subject of numerous attempts to overturn it by various political figures from time to time. This system has been imitated closely by most state governments and even has significant analogs among local governments. Proponents of direct democracy would cut through all this Byzantine molasses and shed the dead weight of vested interests and false prophets and renew American democracy by returning a power to the people that the people never truly had. Maybe this is the right thing to do, but I’m not going to be handing my 17 year-old son the keys to the Hemi-Charger, a bottle of Jack and $100 in cash and telling him to celebrate freedom any time soon. Alexander Hamilton would not approve.

My Dog Killed a Snake

2010-07-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Well, the big news today is that Anne Rice has cancelled her membership in the Christian Church. Many people find this to be something of a surprise since she apparently has had a reputation for often being a sanctimonious bitch, but she did say that she “remain[s] committed to Christ as always.” Anne Rice, in case you don’t recall, is the rather well known and financially successful author of “Interview with the Vampire” and other Gothic bloodsucker novels. I have nothing against Gothic bloodsuckers, or even French Third Empire bloodsuckers; I am just amused that it is necessary for someone who writes books about vampires to publically disassociate themselves from the Christian Church. I’m pretty sure that Dracula wasn’t a regular church-goer, although he did sometimes dig up old friends at the church-yard. Anyway, I don’t begrudge anyone their religion, or renouncement thereof, and Ms. Rice did say she had had it with the Church because of its tired, old promotion of 16th century values, but I imagine the Christian religion is considerably more complex than just that, and only crazy women in Texas throw the babies into the bathwater.

Speaking of Dracula, I’m still behind the curve on all this sexy teenage vampire stuff going around. I know there is a very popular show on HBO called True Blood which is sort of the vampire version of Gossip Girl, but I’m too old to stay up that late. Those Twilight Saga movies also seem to be pretty popular, but I haven’t seen them either. I thought Thirty Days of Night was a pretty good vampire movie, and Daybreakers was entertaining, and even Jennifer’s Body had a few interesting scenes, but those movies didn’t have morally conflicted, teenage pretty-boy vampire anti-heroes at the heart(!) of the stories. This is all probably Hollywood’s attempt to find an appropriate metaphor for how the teenage female mind reconciles the conflict between the confusing mix of sniveling cowardice and irrational aggression which comprises the teenage male psyche; or perhaps it is just another financial exploitation of barely legal T&A and high school beefcake. I really prefer stuff like The Lost Boys, From Dusk ‘Til Dawn and Blade, because we know that anybody who has to drink blood to survive is not going to be really nice deep down. Just ask any local cow.

No politics today, unless religion is politics, which many believe, but there is just no topic concerning the governance of this nation, or its interaction with other nations, that won’t piss me off, so I am going to avoid it. My dog did kill a snake the other day. She is a West Highlands Terrier and she weighs all of 17 pounds, and has consistently proven her cowardice in the face of armadillos, but she shows considerably less caution with small lizards. She was a puppy-mill puppy, and I believe that her never having known her father or having had a positive male influence in her developmental weeks has left her emotionally unbalanced. When the black, four-foot long serpent slithered into the yard she observed it cautiously for a few moments and then began stepping on its tail. Rather than attempting any sort of threat display, the snake simply accelerated its progress. My dog apparently took this as a sign of inhospitable haste and grabbed the snake behind the head and shook it repeatedly. This dog could make martinis for James Bond. We thought to attempt to liberate the snake, but we were both happy for the dog and uncertain as to the toxicity of the snake involved, so in the end, we let nature take its course. Apparently there weren’t terriers in the Garden of Eden.

Mosque, Moscow; What’s the Difference?

2010-07-22T08:34:00.001-07:00

But first, thirsty El Chupacabra, fact or fiction? When I initially heard of the Chupacabra (literal translation from Spanish; "goat-sucker") I thought perhaps the Puerto Ricans had carried their penchant for romance an unnatural step too far, but it turns out the Chupacabra is something of cross between a wolf and Pete Lorre which performs vampiric exsanguinations on innocent livestock in the dead of the lonely, black tropical night. First identified in the mid 1990's, the Chupacabra is allegedly found in many locations throughout Latin America and even as far afield as Russia and the State of Maine. It has been linked by some "knowledgeable" sources to UFO's sightings and by others to secret government experiments, such as invisibility cloaks and health care reform. Many supposed Chupacabra corpses have been trotted out over the years, but the ones that have been scientifically analyzed have all, every one, turned out to be mangy coyotes, really. Seems like the Republicans would notice some of their Congressional leadership missing, doesn't it?

Speaking of Republicans, Sarah Palin's world is sort of similar to the Chupacabra in that it is a fabrication from superstition and ignorance that invokes evil to explain the mundane. Invoking evil is important, because then you get to oppose evil, which makes you good. Let's take these evil Muslims who want to invest $100 million in a 13 story building in lower Manhattan a couple of blocks from the site of the World Trade Center to house an Islamic and Interfaith Religious Center, including a Mosque. How dare they bring their vile anti-papism within some unspecified distance of whatever the former site of the World Trade Center is supposed to represent?! Sarah wants to know. In fact, she is morally outraged by the prospect of such an indignity. Well, they dare probably because they can afford to buy the land and pay for the construction of the building and the law says they can. Sounds reasonable to me.

Last time I checked, America was a capitalist nation, and there is no greater monument to capitalism than Lower Manhattan itself. To suggest that someone's right of property use is contingent upon the popularity of their religion is beyond absurd; it is Unconstitutional. After 20 something years in local government Planning and Zoning, I can testify as an expert that hate and fear are not zoning districts; but simply dark corners of the human soul. Feisal Abdul Rauf, the front man on this project, has been accused of everything from anti-Semitism to drinking the blood of babies, but not a single exsanguinated (there's that word again) baby has been produced thus far, and even if he is anti-Semitic, which I do not know, at least he doesn't have to get drunk to hate on Jews like Whoopi Goldberg's friend Mel Gibson. I can say with some confidence that if having popular ideas or just being generally decent were a prerequisite for developing property in New York, the island of Manhattan would look like Manhattan, Kansas. Does anybody really believe that Donald Trump and the late George Steinbrenner don't worship Gog and Magog? Really?

According to always reliable Internet sources, there were 28 Muslims killed in the attack on the World Trade Center, excluding those ten holier-than-thou Muslim douche-bags on the two planes. I can only imagine that there are still 28 grieving Muslim families and hundreds or even thousands of law abiding Muslim citizens who felt the loss of those 28 people, but Sarah Palin and her Tea Party fellow travelers seem to think that only white, Christian working class people died in the tragedy. The great irony here is that if the World Trade Center were still standing, Sarah and her moose herd would probably be down there protesting against the Jewish/Bolshevik conspiracy and the Zionist control of world capital markets. Aside from the janitorial and clerical staffs, most of the people working in the World Trade Center were those very stockbrokers and commodities traders that everyone now wants to string up for collapsing the economy. Maybe Mohammed Atta really wasn't an angry Islamic fundamentalist; maybe he just lost a lot of money day trading and decided to launch a retaliatory strike.

Islam says to acknowledge God and his prophets, pray, fast, do works of charity and visit Mecca every once in a while if you can afford it. There is not much more of that "pluck out thy enemy's eyeballs" junk in Islam than there is in the Old Testament or the average Sunday morning service down at the Church of the Rock. In the opinion of this humble wormhole repairman, there is nothing wrong with Islam that isn't wrong with every other religion on Earth. I seem to recall that Jesus said something to the effect that "all men fall short of the glory of the Kingdom of God". Muslims are just flawed humans like everybody else who sometimes make stupid choices or do very bad things. In 2008, there were over 16,000 murders in the United States, and I am willing to bet that about 90 percent of them were committed by people who were raised as Christians. Does that mean Christianity is a murderous religion? Answer it for yourself. The Islamic world is in turmoil, and much of it is the fault of their political leadership, but the vestiges of European colonialism and the Western politics of oil are also partly to blame. I don't see Sarah Palin and the Tea Moose Party pushing for hydrogen fuel cells or higher fuel efficiency standards for automobiles so that that Persian Napoleon Ahmadinejad doesn't get three cents from every gallon of gas sold in America to fund his nuclear arsenal. All I see is fear and ignorance, and in the calculus of civilization, FEAR X IGNORANCE = the magnitude of the horror we will all have to endure when public outrage supplants the rule of law.

There are names for nations where conjecture, rumor, speculation, prejudice, paranoia and political convenience control government policy; right now one of those names is North Korea and I don't want to live there. Powerful, the Dark Side is; it clouds everything. We need to get our heads out of our collective asses and focus on something important rather than the symbolism of foolishness and prejudice masquerading as patriotism. Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone, because what goes around comes around. And Mrs. Palin, we know you can see Russia from your back porch in Alaska, but have you also looked for Pyongyang? Wherever you are dear, it can't be far.

It's Good to Know

2010-07-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time these days watching television and surfing the World Wide Web. Despite my wife’s insinuations, it is not because I am an antisocial loser who is unable to connect emotionally; it is because I am broke and my back hurts. I am fascinated by the world and all its glorious irony and would love nothing better than daily traveling the globe attending political rallies, swamp buggy races, vegetable festivals, ritual circumcisions, two-day sales, Beat poetry readings, executions and Guinness record attempts, but I am stuck in a dead-end job, supporting two ungrateful teenage children and a dog with a rash, so I have to make careful use of my available free time.

In the course of my recent review of the world’s electronic media offerings, I have learned many new and exciting things. I now know, for example, that Mel Gibson is not a racist. This is because Whoopi Goldberg says he is not. I am inclined to believe her, as she was in many episodes of Star Trek. I am almost certain, however, that her true given name is not Whoopi. If it is, her parents should probably be prosecuted, as should her hair-dresser. Mel is an interesting fellow, and we know that he doesn’t like Jews when he has been drinking, and that he has a rather bizarre interpretation of Catholicism, but perhaps that is a redundant observation. He is also apparently very concerned that the mother of his most recent child will be gang-raped by “n*gg**s” if she does not dress more conservatively. Oksana Grigorieva is a very lovely young lady, and I’m sure that Mel is just trying to look out for her, which is why he never really hit her very hard. If I were Mel, I would avoid South Central for a while. For the record, Mel hasn’t said anything about anybody raping Whoopi Goldberg, but even violent misogynists have their limits.

How about those lazy unemployed people? I hear that there is something of an epidemic of worthless Americans taking their $250 a week checks and acquiring cocaine and hookers. I can certainly understand why many American Conservatives are concerned about this; principally because it could drive up the price of cocaine and hookers. It is truly shameful that we have so many people in America who would rather stay home all day and watch re-runs of Mayberry RFD than get a high-paying job with health insurance and paid vacation; go figure. I for one certainly do not want my hard earned tax dollars to go to any unemployed persons; I prefer to invest in tax breaks for the wealthy and more cluster bombs for Afghanistan. We need to get our priorities straight.

A Federal court in New York has determined that the FCC’s current regulation of profane speech on television is unconstitutional. This came as some surprise to me, as I was unaware that there were still any restrictions being enforced. Has the FCC not heard of Eric Cartman? Anyway, I personally am not in favor of any limitations on the freedom of speech of any kind, because that’s how I roll, but I feel the court’s conclusion that restrictions on cursing will have “the effect of promoting wide self-censorship of valuable material which should be completely protected under the First Amendment” may not be completely on target. After all, which requires more creativity; ‘fuck you bitch”, or “powder my anus you slimy, bow-legged chunk of syphilitic baboon excrement”? I’m just sayin’. Of course, I have two teenage sons and a wife who is not easily amused, so I put on Katt Williams DVD’s just to minimize the quantity of F-bombs.

Anybody remember that oil spill thing in the Gulf of Mexico? I understand BP is going to make some sort of an effort to resolve it very soon. This comes as something of a relief to me, since I was concerned that hundreds of millions of gallons of poisonous crude oil might spew into the waters of the Gulf unabated for months on end, causing irreparable damage to the marine eco-system. I am big enough to admit when I am wrong and I would like to thank BP Oil especially for all their prompt efforts and diligent preparation. This has restored my faith in the value of good corporate citizenship.

I see the lower house of the French Parliament has approved legislation banning the wearing of burqas and niqabs which cover the face. The bill will now go on to the upper house of the French Parliament, which is apparently located somewhere above the lower house. The French legislators are concerned that these manifestations of religious devotion “don't square with the French ideal of women's equality or its secular tradition”. Apparently women’s equality in France does not equal the right for a woman to choose her own mode of dress. If they wanted to pass a law against a husband beating his wife if she didn’t wear what he wanted her to, that might make a little more sense, but who am I to argue with the wisdom of the representatives of the French people. I, myself, am fundamentally opposed to burqas, primarily because I find the female form and face to often be most compelling, and I feel that the beauty of God’s creation should not be unreasonably concealed, but religion is and must remain a personal journey and you need to dress appropriately.

George Steinbrenner dropped dead at the age of 80 this week. I didn’t know Mr. Steinbrenner and I suppose he could have been a fine fellow, but I am somewhat less than comfortable with much of the post mortem adulation and semi-deification occurring, especially down here around Tampa where he lived in retirement. George was, you may recall, convicted in 1974 of a felony conspiracy charge involving illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s re-election campaign, and he offered to the FBI to rat out some of his alleged co-conspirators in exchange for greater leniency than the rich man’s leniency he was already going to get. Of course, one mistake does not invalidate a person’s entire life, but I have always felt the New York Yankees under Steinbrenner’s ownership represented all that was wrong with America; greed, arrogance and mistaking acquisition for accomplishment.

The Vatican says, as recently as today, that ordination of women as priests constitutes a “grave crime”. Apparently the Vatican has a hierarchy of crimes and women priests rank right up there with rape and murder as moral offenses. I am very often quite torn between advocating religious tolerance and blowing the whistle on ridiculous, medieval crap, so this is a tough one for me. Suffice it to say, I will not be sending the Pope any money anytime soon. People are entitled to their religious beliefs, even when I may find them laughably silly, but I do not accept that any organization ostensibly dedicated to truth, justice, love and forgiveness can exclude people from important functions based solely upon their gender and still pretend to be anything but an archaic, irrelevant vestige of the Roman Empire.

Finally, a dog in Macungie, Pennsylvania was recently accidently left in a closed car after getting in the car unnoticed by its owner while she was unloading some packages. The dog, a chocolate Lab, may have been planning to go for a drive and had forgotten its license in the house, or perhaps was just looking for some Skittles under the seats, but it was quite a warm day and the dog’s owner had subsequently gone inside to enjoy the lovely conditioned air when she heard a car horn blaring. After a few moments the noise became annoying and she peeked outside to see where the thoughtless driver was parked. That was when she observed the dog standing in the front seat of the car with its paws on the horn. I like dogs; dogs are very practical creatures, but this one was a show-off. After all, why not just open the door?

Progress?

2010-07-08T11:43:00.001-07:00

It is something of an irony to me that the progress of human knowledge and the progress of human society seem to be headed in, if not opposite, then at least different, directions these days. Casual perusal of the World Wide Web reveals an astounding array of new and exciting discoveries in history and medicine and astronomy and zoology and basic sciences and all sorts of other stuff, including information about the personal lives of celebrities and the sexual habits of the elderly, or the personal sexual habits of elderly celebrities. Of course, not all information is equally as useful or interesting, but you would think that being as knowledgeable as we are about so many things, that everything would be going just fine, which it isn't, in case you hadn't noticed.

Up until about 15,000 years ago, almost every member of a society was on an equal footing from an educational perspective. The school of hard knocks was the only accredited institution back then and everybody had a Major in hunting with a Minor in gathering, or perhaps visa versa, depending on age and gender, but everyone had the same skill set and access to all the common knowledge of the society. Of course, some members were more proficient at specific skills than others; if you were particularly gifted at throwing rocks accurately, you could control resources and attain status; whereas, if you threw like a little girl, you could carry heavy shit around and eat the berries with the bad spots. This lack of specialization in knowledge allowed technological culture to be easily transmitted and helped societies to survive the random loss of individuals without loss of scientific progress. If Oog, a master flint-shaper, was eaten by a Saber Toothed Cat while unwisely relieving himself near some tall grasses, the community might temporarily suffer from aesthetically unappealing spear tips and a slight increase in aerodynamic drag, but chances were somebody would know enough to make at least marginal weapons and the tribe would still be able to bring down enough game to feed everybody, even if it might be older and weaker animals which tended to be a bit chewy.

We all know the story about how the development of agriculture and domestication of livestock resulted in surpluses of food which allowed increased specialization of the functional roles of individuals in society, as well as how these surpluses facilitated the exploitation of the proletariat by the bourgeoisie and the establishment of a parasitic theocratic elite, but most of us don't truly appreciate the extent to which specialization in the discovery and preservation of knowledge has made us all idiots. If you doubt this, open the hood of your 2000 model year or later vehicle and identify by name just ten of the several hundred individual components of the engine. Hint, none of them is the carburetor. Some of you may do better than others at this, but, chances are, a very small percentage of the general public knows the engine is under the hood rather than in the glove box. The same holds true for diagnosing a skin rash, installing a ceiling fan or conducting a DNA test; we have to rely on total strangers to address a wide range of critical issues in our lives and we have no idea if these strangers are decent, honorable people, or if they are serial murderers or Republicans.

This complex web of societal interdependence may not necessarily completely be a bad thing; by being forced to enter into relationships of mutual benefit with a wide range of other society members, we are pushed to tolerance and compromise, if sometimes only begrudgingly, and ultimately these relationships can become the foundation of true understanding and respect on a personal level. The downside of this is that, knowing very little about anything of substance, most of us are required to rely on the representations of people who are either acknowledged or self-proclaimed experts in a subject, and since we don't know squat about most stuff, we often can't tell the difference between the two. This allows us to be manipulated and exploited by those who may be inclined to do so, and these evil individuals are most often the ones who make the most persistent and vocal efforts to influence us, whether bogus car repairman, useless gadget salesman or candidate for political office, because it most directly benefits them financially or ideologically. The true experts are generally not nearly so enthusiastic about spending their time trying to educate our dumb asses.

It would be fair to say that modern life is pretty complex and a person of reasonable intelligence cannot be an expert in everything, but we could all be considerably more knowledgeable about the general nature of most things and how the world actually works socially and scientifically. We could all learn to discern fact from fiction and apply the techniques of critical thinking if we took the time to do so. With the tremendous wealth of information available at our fingertips, we could actually look at all sides of an issue and consider different opinions on matters of substance. We could accept our civic responsibility as citizens of a democratic republic and make sure we actually know something about the public issues whose fate will be decided by our votes. We could stop watching TV and texting for a few minutes and make sure we understand a few things well enough to pass something on to our children besides our own ignorance. We could, but what are the odds?

Rock Me Nostradamus

2010-06-30T14:29:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking about the world that my two teenage sons will be living in for the next 60 or 70 years and I imagine that they will not be needing those metaphorical shades, since the future doesn't look all that bright. I am constantly reminding them that they need to eat their vegetables and study hard because they will not have it easy like the old man did, but they don't listen. I have been accused from time to time of being something of a pessimist, but history seldom fails to meet my low expectations, so, just in case you were interested, here are my TOP TEN REASONS AMERICA IS COMPLETELY DOOMED, in the order I thought them up:

1) MASSIVE DEBT

Our government owes so much money that if you took it in one dollar bills and laid them end to end it would stretch to the edge of the known Universe and back 237,782 times. This is a scientific fact. Thanks to the cowardice, stupidity and corruption of our two party system, every man, woman and child in this country already owes for a brand new 2010 Jaguar 2-door XKR Coupe which they will never see, but for which they will have to make payments for the next 30 years. As a matter of full disclosure, I am making these facts up as I go, but they are nonetheless completely accurate. Anyway, the Republican Party, in addition to being venal and bigoted, is also paranoid and full of idiots. They won't cut defense spending, even though our biggest enemies have defense budgets about one-tenth of our own, and they love socialized medical programs like Medicare which pay extraordinary amounts of our money to keep dying old ladies alive an additional 4.7 days at the tune of about $25,000 a day; they also love to give tax breaks to corporations for sending our jobs to Laos and investing in new ways to despoil our environment. On the other hand, the Democratic Party, in addition to being venal and stoned, is also clueless and can't count. As a life-long Democrat, I love the Party's laid back tolerance and gentle affection for the downtrodden, but as a high school graduate, I also know that if you take two apples from the public and give three apples to the poor, then you better be able to shit apples because you're an apple short. The Democratic Party's economic platform can best be summed up as "we can't be broke, we still have printing presses." Between the Republicans and the Democrats, we are truly fucked.

Before we move on, however, let's not forget that the morons who put these jamokes in office in the first place (i.e. us) are carrying another billion trillion dollars worth of personal debt. We use credit cards to buy stuff off the Value Menu at the McDonald's drive-through instead of picking up the loose change from between the seats. We have to have Hello-Kitty and Blue-Ray DVD this very minute or we will literally explode. We change cell phones more often than we change our undergarments and we don't realize that the two year contract which got us the "free" phone is a form of financial liability, or, as we call it in Georgia, debt. We have no self-control, and that, combined with an unrealistic sense of entitlement, fuels our addiction to credit, and this addiction will only be cured by an extensive series of beatings or a protracted economic depression or the Chinese cutting us off. Doom, doom and more well-deserved, self-created doom.

2) STUPIDITY

We are a nation of dumbasses. The average American can't divide two, two digit numbers without a calculator with really big buttons on it. Ninety-five percent of Americans don't know who is buried in Grant's Tomb. Physics and chemistry might as well be foreplay and sobriety for as much as they are understood in this country. More Americans believe in ghosts than biological evolution and more Americans can name four of the contestants on this season's The Biggest Loser than can name one person who has EVER won a Nobel Prize. Millions of people watch Jersey Shore because they CAN relate to the characters. We believe in astrology. We think Miley Cyrus is talented. Our quality of life is at the mercy of a scientific elite that we neither trust nor understand and scientific inquiry is being increasingly distorted by political objectives. Many other countries, while putrid in their own unique ways, at least have societies that understand the power of science. Doom for us? I should say so.

3) CORPORATE INFLUENCE IN POLITICS

Money drives the political process in America. You have to have access to tons of cash in order to make stupid campaign commercials to appeal to stupid voters. The United States Supreme Court recently decided that corporations enjoy the same rights of political speech as actual real human people do, so we will now all be able to benefit from the unlimited political messages of business entities which have allegiance only to their own profitability and are owned by who knows, including foreign corporations which have a presence in the U.S. The PR industry, which clearly has no intimate relationship with facts or truth, makes billions of dollars from national, state and local election cycles and the nation's master psychological manipulators are employed by candidates of every stripe to convince you to support their man (or woman). Candidates used to stand on a stump and look you in the eye (or eyes, if you had two) and tell you what they really thought, even if it was medieval or nonsensical; now they stand in front of a blue screen and tell you what their market research says you want to hear, and then they go to Albany or Washington or wherever and do what their financial masters tell them to do. This is what we call democracy. Doom.

4) LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF, AND RESPECT FOR, THE REST OF THE WORLD

You might argue that ignorance is a component of stupidity, but if it is, I can't get ten things on my list. The average American can't find America on a map, much less the Maldives. We don't know about other cultures or the history of other nations. We don't speak any languages well, not even English. We arrogantly assume that we are smarter, better looking and more moral than every other country on Earth. This is why we can't seem to grasp the reasons about half the world thinks we suck. We have double standards for our behavior compared with the actions of other nations and we are often viewed as hypocrites because of the disconnect between our high ideals and the things we actually do. When we blow up children, it's collateral damage; when somebody else blows up children, it's terrorism or barbarism or family planning. Doom-da-doo-doom.

5) DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN ENERGY SOURCES

We are the crack-whores of the international energy market. We use so much crude oil you would think it was a personal lubricant, and for this privilege we send hundreds of billions of dollars every year to despots and tyrants and people with borderline personality disorders. We get most of our oil from countries that don't like us, like Alaska, and then they use that money to purchase weapons from our allies and scarf up the world's uranium supply, another source of energy which we mostly import. We have no plan to resolve this dependence other than allowing foreign corporations to pump millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and deregulating the use of donkeys in grist mills. Meanwhile, most Americans, including my fat, lazy ass, drive gasoline guzzling monsters 90 miles an hour everywhere they go, charging the $3.00 a gallon gas on their Visa Card. Doom? You betcha'.

6) WILD WEST VIOLENCE

America is the most violent nation in the world that is not currently engaged in a protracted civil war supplied by at least three different industrialized nations and involving seven separate ethnic groups. We kill each other at rates that make every war since World War II look like a church picnic. We have virtually unlimited access to guns and big knives and piano wire, and we are all mad as hell about something. Just wait until things start getting really bad and you will see how quickly a heavily armed civilization can go down the crapper. Doomed? Well, at least the ones without the guns.

7) RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM

The more pressure that people find themselves under, the more easily they turn to emotionally convenient certainties. Does the Pope actually know any more about right and wrong than the average guy? Well, unless he learned it during his Hitler Youth tenure, probably not. I'm sure the Pope is a fine fellow, but people who believe that they have perceived the eternal truth tend to be difficult to deal with when they feel that you haven't. If social and economic conditions worsen in America, we will surely return to our Puritan roots, at least those who don't follow the path of cannibalism, and everybody trying to tell everybody how to live their lives will result in a lot of hurt feelings. Doom? It's at least as likely as salvation.

8) CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE

Somewhere along the way, we decided that the second law of thermodynamics didn't apply to us anymore. Like Ozymandias, we declared our roads and bridges and sewer pipes to be everlasting tributes to our greatness. Our politicians also declared that they were too chickenshit to tell us the truth about what it cost to keep all this stuff working properly and that they would hold off on doing anything long enough to let themselves move on to bigger and better things and let some other poor sucker deal with the ire of the electorate when the shit no longer worked. The electorate, on the other hand, didn't complain much about not paying the true cost of repair and maintenance, so now roads are full of holes, bridges collapse and raw sewerage rains down on the Moleman's head in his subterranean lair. The solution? Stay home and eat cheese. Doom? Without doubt.

9) ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION

The average American throws away more crap in a month than the average Afghan owns in a lifetime. We bury mountains of garbage that decay and invade the water-table; a never ending parade of burrito wrappers is in constant in motion along the streets of our cities; we dump yucky stuff in the lakes and oceans and pump tons of filth into the air and we don't believe in Global Warming because, despite the concurrence of 14 Nobel Laureates, some semi-retarded, washed up meteorologist on Fox News said it ain't true. Mother Nature is going to slap the shit out of us before too much longer. Doomed? Fucking A-plus yes.

10) THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

Many of you may have a little trouble with this one, but it is almost certain that the dead shall rise from their graves to feast upon the flesh of the living before too much longer. This is not too far off from some current situations, like the rich sucking the blood of the poor, or the running-dog lackeys of the rich crushing the middle-class under an oppressive burden of taxation so that the rich may avoid their fair share of supporting the government and contributing to the needs of the society that has given them such unlimited opportunity. Personally, I would not object too strenuously to seas of the living-dead washing over New York's financial district and greedily crunching on the bowels of any hapless stock-brokers that wandered into their path. Nor would it be too sad to see the White House and Capitol overrun by hordes of flesh-eating zombies stripping the fat from legislators and executives alike. In the aftermath of the apocalypse, all the reclusive gun-nuts could gleefully remind us that they told us so and the zombies could form political parties opposing taxation without putrification. There are plenty of weird diseases, dangerous chemicals and silent radiation to get it all started. Would Thomas Jefferson see a zombie apocalypse as a legitimate revolution? Perhaps. Would it doom us all? With any luck.

The Sunshine State

2010-06-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

It’s summer time in Florida, and it is quite warm and humid. Most of us go about our daily lives, whatever they may consist of, desperately trying to avoid heat exhaustion or uncomfortable dampness (not to be confused with comfortable dampness) and energy consumption is massive as we strive to both cool and dehumidify the environments in our homes and places of work. In all probability, very few of us dwell upon the sequence of events that delivers the heavenly cool air to our sweaty faces and any thought of possible human or environmental costs are lost amidst the satisfied sighs of those delivered, if only momentarily, from the oppressive 24-hour tropical steam bath.

Ironically, here in June of 2010, many of us in Florida are keeping an eye on the beaches, not unlike Commander Towers, waiting for the end of the world to arrive. There has been a massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico since the 20th of April, and the efforts to address it have been nothing short of a Keystone Cops meets Aqua Man theater of the absurd. The geniuses at BP have finally fashioned a deep-water oil condom that appears to be 27 percent effective, roughly equivalent to the rhythm method, and meanwhile somewhere between 10,000 and 10 billion gallons of oil a day continue to pour into the Gulf, with largely unknown consequences. Here on the West coast of Florida, we have yet to see much of it, but just the idea of its lurking presence has been enough to frighten away tourists and raise the general level of anxiety in a State which has already seen the most extensive collapse of the real estate market and some of the most significant recession related job loss in the nation.

On April 3rd, I posted a blog lamenting President Obama’s decision to support new offshore oil exploration (http://toomuchfuzzylogic.blogspot.com/2010/04/driller-killer.html) Quite prescient timing, one might observe, but it just goes to show that you don’t have to be psychic, or even very clever, to predict bad outcomes from intellectually questionable actions. I don’t really have a point here, other than that being hot and worried is a bad combination and that Florida may be the Sunshine State, but most Floridians have anything but a sunny disposition these days. Decades of poorly regulated development have significantly impacted Florida’s natural charm and inefficient design of infrastructure and massive duplication of services has resulted in high taxation rates relative to the quality of services provided. A lot of retired people live in Florida, I guess because old people can stand withering heat better than they can bitter cold, but it just so happens retired people are often most affected by drops in the Stock Market and uncertainty in the investment environment. Game, set and match.

In addition, based upon the best scientific data, average global temperatures are also gradually rising, so not only will the air-conditioner be running more often, but sea level will rise and some of the most expensive real estate in the world will eventually be underwater. I know global warming is an issue of some controversy among laymen and politicians, but there is a consensus of around 95 percent of the world’s climatologists that warming is occurring, although there is slightly less consensus as to the actual cause, but if you are drowning, your first thought is generally not to inquire about the source of the water. Anyway, Florida has a questionable future ahead of it; I can foresee a time when destitute retirees without Medicare squat in the upper floors of abandoned seaside mansions where oily water laps at the front doors and mailboxes appear and disappear with the tide.

In fact, the whole world faces a questionable future. Our juvenile inability to connect actions with consequences and the widespread ignorance of basic scientific fact, compounded by our desire to put off unpleasant decisions and ignore things that make us feel helpless, will eventually result in quite a bit of unhappiness. Of course, few people care what I think. I’m just a pessimist who doesn’t believe in the God-ordained power of Capitalism to solve all the world’s ills. I lack faith in the wisdom of corporations to understand or promote the best interests of humanity. I don’t believe in faeries. Sarah Palin is way smarter than me, I hope.

Stone Cold

2010-06-16T07:18:00.001-07:00

I recently read this article (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/apr/19/mount-everest-death-zone-clean) about plans to remove tons of trash and most of the frozen corpses that litter the path to the summit of Mount Everest. Foreign tourism is apparently a major source of income for impoverished Nepal and the accumulated jetsam of almost a century of assaults upon the summit have created something less than the pristine environment a wealthy American would expect to find in the inhospitable hell at the top of the world. Cleaning up the garbage is a Chamber of Commerce necessity, because nobody likes a trashy Disney World.

By most estimates there are 120 frozen bodies (give or take) of those who tried, and failed, to reach to the top, or perhaps reached the top but failed to make it back, sitting in various states of repose in the thin, frigid Himalayan air. Since it is something of a superhuman effort to even drag oneself up and down the shear face of Everest, if you croak up there, chances are ain't nobody gonna' carry you down. Since the trip to the summit is fraught with dangers that range from the lack of oxygen, to the fragile, slippery ice, to psychotic Yeti, there is a measurable probability that you will not return. Perhaps that is what makes it such a popular vacation spot.

Humans have been trying to attain the pinnacle of Everest since the 1921expedition led by Colonel Charles Howard-Bury, which was repulsed by the weather 6,000 feet short of their objective. That expedition included George Mallory, who may actually have been the first man to reach the summit of Everest. Mallory, along with fellow climber Andrew Irvine, disappeared while making his final ascent during a subsequent expedition in June of 1924. They were last seen only a few hundred yards from the summit, but their fate remained a mystery until 1999 when Mallory's body was positively identified by an expedition which had been launched specifically for the purpose of determining his whereabouts. Ironically, Mallory was the fellow quoted by the New York Times in response to the question "why do you want to climb Mt. Everest?" as saying "because it is there." No one knows if he died on the ascent or descent. In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and his Sherpa guide, Tenzing Norgay, reached the summit late on the morning of May 29^th. Hillary, a New Zealander, was knighted by the newly minted Queen Elizabeth II. Norgay, I assume, went back to his slate-roofed hut to endure life without the Order of the British Empire.

I'm not much for mountain climbing myself. I really don't understand the fascination with dangerous pursuits which yield no practical results. Living is itself a risky proposition, and there is an absolute ironclad guarantee that each of us will fall victim to some fatal occurrence during the course of our lives, so to me death-defying feats are really just a form of impatience. I suppose I do to some extent envy those who are able to generate the commitment necessary to endure the hardship inherent in walking to the edge of outer space, something I doubt I would ever be able to do, but perhaps all of this obsessive determination might be better directed towards something more generally beneficial.

We humans are risk takers and restless wanderers who have been driven for hundreds of thousands of years by the prospect that there might be something better over the next hill or across the next river, but there are those rare individuals who accept risks simply to try and discover something better within themselves. I know that friends and family want the closure of a real corpse to bury and the comfort of a resting place to visit, and the Nepalese surely don't want any unpleasant scenery to dampen anybody's spending urge, but if I am Nepal, I carry off the Snickers wrappers and leave all the dead where they fell. Frozen gods in their palaces of ice, haunting the slopes of Everest like Everest haunted their living dreams; both a grim reminder of the mortality of man, and an eternal monument to giving death the finger.

1000 Ways to Die

2010-06-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, I posted a blog musing about the ten most poisonous animals in the world, but since many of those animals were rare or lived in places humans seldom go, like Cleveland, they were not necessarily the 10 “deadliest” animals in the world. According to Listverse (listverse.com, which may, or may not, have any idea what the hell they are talking about) the following are the 10 deadliest animals by virtue of their actual success in killing people, whether with malice or mercy in mind (please note, some animals are on both this list and the most poisonous list, but I will try to think of new clever things to say about the repeat offenders):

#10) The Poison Dart Frog – The poison dart frog resides in Central America and northern South America, mostly in insufferably hot rain forests where the humans are already four-fifths dead from heat prostration and it doesn’t take much to push them over the edge. The frog itself doesn’t use any poison darts, but it does secrete alkaloids which are often powerful enough to act as neurotoxins and which the indigenous peoples use as poison for the blowgun darts they employ to hunt monkeys, unfaithful wives and other very tasty dinner items. There are no reliable figures on the number of people who are killed by these colorful amphibians every year, but it is apparently less than the other nine creatures on this list. It would probably be more accurate to say that a bunch of damned fools got themselves killed while screwing around with a poisonous frog, which was for the most part probably minding its own business.

#9) The Cape Buffalo – This ill-tempered bovine is common in much of Africa and an adult male weighs in at around 2000 pounds. They are alleged to kill around 200 people per year, most of them hunters who have poor aim. This elevates the Cape buffalo to the status of causation for positive evolutionary change. They have strong, sharp horns which can pierce your flabby belly and rumple your clothing, and they are pretty light on their feet for a big fella’. Humans should not feel too bad though; the Cape buffalo also has been known to kill lions and even attack crocodiles who mistakenly forgot to eat more chicken.

#8) The Polar Bear – It’s no surprise that the Polar Bear kills people. They are mostly revenge killings for global warming. An adult male polar bear can weigh as much as 1500 pounds and stand 10 feet tall, if he were inclined to stand. He mostly just lies around soaking up the sun and waiting to ambush some moron on a snowmobile. Speaking of morons on snowmobiles, Sarah Palin has not yet been eaten by a Polar Bear, but, as Captain Kirk observed, the night is still young. Like most bears, the Polar Bear is naturally lazy and ill-tempered, especially when hungry. They will eat people if there is nothing else available, although they often complain that humans don’t taste fishy enough. They probably haven’t eaten many politicians. Polar Bears International suggest that only 10 people have actually been killed by Polar Bears in the past 30 years, but there are a hell of a lot of pictures on those milk cartons. I’m just sayin’.

#7) The African Elephant – The African Elephant is, guess what, large and ill-tempered. The male may weigh as much as 12 tons and keeps his feelings to himself until he gets mad, and then he smashes stuff, including people that may be irritating him, or just happen to be within his sight. Male elephants are very territorial and will violently dispute possession of generally sub-standard real estate. According to Wikipedia “the social lives of male and female elephants are very different. The females spend their entire lives in tightly knit family groups made up of mothers, daughters, sisters, and aunts. These groups are led by the eldest female, or matriarch. Adult males, on the other hand, live mostly solitary lives.” This sounds very familiar to me. Perhaps that is why it is mostly males elephants that kill somewhere around 500 people every year. Admittedly, most of the victims deserved it, but there is due process, after all.

#6) The Saltwater Crocodile – This reptile is largely unchanged from its cousins of 200 million years ago, who used to eat dinosaurs. At over a ton and up to 20 feet in length, a mature male will eat monkeys, kangaroos, water buffalo, and even sharks. They are comfortable in both salt and fresh water and will swim considerable distances over open seas. Ranging from Eastern India to Australia, the populations of the Saltwater Crocodile have been shrinking for several decades due to the usual human despoliation of their environment. Crocodiles aren’t sentimental and will eat your children without thinking twice. Their typical approach is to simultaneously drag you underwater to drown you, crush you with their powerful jaws, and twist you violently to confuse you and shake loose change out of your pockets. For a man, the most similar experience is going through a divorce. For a woman, the most similar experience is being eaten alive by a crocodile. Saltwater crocodiles kill an unknown number of people each year, and since they generally eat the evidence, accurate counts are difficult to come by.

#5) The African Lion – It is called the African lion because it is now found almost exclusively in Africa, although this very same species used to be common on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. At 500 pounds, a mature male can kill the average human with two paws tied behind its back, but lions are quite lazy and will usually eat only small children and old women, both because they are easier to catch and they make more interesting noises. Lions are primarily nocturnal hunters and will give up after a short chase if unsuccessful in catching their prey off guard, much like many men in bars. It is estimated that lions kill around 100 humans each year, although sadly few of them are Republicans.

#4) The Great White Shark – The reality is that these enormous fish kill relatively few people and attacks are almost always a case of mistaken identity; they probably think we are just overgrown organ grinder monkeys. It is generally believed by people who are inclined to believe things about sharks that sharks don’t like the taste of people. It is possible we are just too full of shit to be palatable. The Great White is found in almost all warm coastal waters and are known to migrate great distances. They are often likely blamed for the mischief of their short-sighted and irritable cousins, the Bull shark. It is certain that humans kill a thousand times more Great White sharks than the converse, but sharks don’t have websites.

#3) The Box Jelly Fish – Neither fish nor jelly, this primitive creature will sting your ass to death. It normally stings little fish and dissolves them but it has wickedly powerful venom and while it has no interest in you, you might get in the way. In fact, the Box Jelly Fish has no actual brain, but causes quite a lot of trouble, much like Tea Party advocates. The Box Jelly Fish is found mostly in the South Pacific and kills over 100 people each year, although it didn’t mean to.

#2) The Indian Cobra – This snake’s venom is not particularly potent, but it makes an obscene amount of it and is pleased to inject you with it if you mess around. It is possible that the hundreds of deaths caused by this snake each year are revenge killings for all that snake charming crap, but the Cobra isn’t talking.

#1) The Mosquito – These little devils don’t really kill anybody, they just infect tens of millions of people with various fatal diseases every year, and millions of the infected die. It’s sort of an analogy to guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people. Of course, you could be pistol-whipped to death. Mosquitoes are everywhere, so don’t bother hiding.

It just goes to show you, no matter how high and mighty we perceive ourselves to be, reptiles, insects, creatures with no brains and mad cows can still take us down. You’re safest in Manhattan.

Absalom, King of the Israelites

2010-06-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don’t quite get what’s going on with Israel. I do understand that the convoluted political, cultural and military situation in the Middle-East is replete with both heroes and villains of all stripes and that telling the good guys from the bad guys is often largely a subjective exercise. I realize that the United States, Europe and even the Ottoman Empire have all done their share to muddy the waters over the years, but complexity and ambiguity should reasonably call for prudence and nuance, not blunt force trauma. It seems to me, however, that the Israelis, many Palestinian groups and much of the Arab world still inflate their throat pouches in a bellicose manner whenever any divergence of opinion arises, and, as usual, it’s the powerless, and those trying to assist them, who suffer.

I will say up front that I am never going to be receptive to any argument that certain territorial claims are validated by Holy Scripture, so that does not factor into my reasoning. Who owns what in Israel and Palestine is subject to the dictates of history, the realities of power, and whatever common sense of equity we as a world can sustain; just like it is everywhere. I, myself, am currently sitting on land one could reasonably argue Common Law dictates belongs to the Tocabaga Tribe, but since they no longer exist and are, therefore, not here to contest the issue, my fee simple title is not in jeopardy. Everyone’s happiness is to some extent built on someone else’s misery and the Middle East is no exception. Having said that, there is no justification to a process that displaces people and then makes criminals of them for being displaced. Binyamin Netanyahu, I am talking to you.

I believe the collective Israeli psyche is still greatly affected by the many centuries of maltreatment of the Jews by their European hosts, culminating with the surreal horror of Hitler’s wholesale exterminations. I think that this is a real and ever-present factor in Israel’s behavior, not just an emotionally manipulative ploy to garner undeserved sympathy. There is a collective sense of isolation and vulnerability which underlies Zionist thinking and the Nation of Israel was intended to be not just a homeland, but a refuge, maybe even a fortress, for all the Jewish people of the world, even those who weren’t much interested in it. We can all debate the legitimacy of this philosophical framework, but if it is a real concept in Israeli minds, then it has to be given consideration in any analysis of the dynamics of Middle Eastern politics. I’m not saying that your fears don’t make you do stupid stuff; I’m just saying that your fears make you do stupid stuff.

Anyway, the Palestinians have never been too keen on being on the short end of the Judean land rush and many have expressed their discontent in various ways, including through what I consider to be the outright murder of people who have done no wrong. I’m not talking about ambushing Israeli military patrols in the Occupied Territories, which is about as close to fair game as you can get in this type of dispute; I’m talking about Leon Klinghoffer and Israeli Olympians and various other persons minding their own business at outdoor cafes in Tel Aviv. Add to this the constant threat of increasingly sophisticated missile barrage from various adjacent locations, and the Israelis are just about clinically paranoid when it comes to controlling the access of, and to, the millions of disgruntled Palestinians lurking on Israel’s self-designed borders.

So a bunch of people who are sympathetic to the isolated Palestinians in Gaza decide to take them some medical supplies and building materials in a flotilla from Turkey. Even though Turkish officials said they supervised the loading of the cargo, the Israelis are still thinking to themselves that this effort could easily be a subterfuge to sneak military contraband into Gaza City. They hop in their helicopters and fly out beyond their recognized territorial waters and drop in on the aid flotilla, whether to inspect them or discourage them, I’m still not sure. A ruckus ensues which the Israelis claim they didn’t anticipate, although they brought plenty of guns. Anyway, the people on the boats didn’t take kindly to what amounted to Israeli piracy on the high seas and took sticks and stones to the vaunted Israeli commandos, who then succeeded in losing some of their weapons to the angry crowd and then had to open fire in order to defend their lives. As a result, nine people are dead, none of them Israeli, many more are wounded and the Israelis look like both assholes and dumbasses at the same time.

I have always had a certain respect for the Israelis. If nothing else, they have demonstrated a high degree of competence over the years and have often prevailed against staggering odds. The history of Israel is so complex and full of the intrigue of empires, saints and madmen, the Israelis themselves probably have a hard time keeping it straight, but we know it started with Abraham, worked its way up to Menachem Begin booby-trapping the corpses of British soldiers and then, at some point, America and Europe decided to assuage their post-Holocaust consciences by letting the Zionists have the run of Palestine. Apparently not much thought was given to the ultimate fate of the Christian and Muslim Arabs who were already there and, so, here we are.

Like America, Israel is a democratic state which ostensibly respects the rule of law and the basic rights of all humans. Like America, Israel has grown powerful and seldom is forced to drink from the bitter cup of defeat; and like America, Israel has come to be the subject of the disgust and hatred of many in the world, and not just the Arab world. I suspect that this is not because Israel is, as America is not, an evil nation or a deliberate fomenter of suffering or destruction, but because there is such a clear and dramatic disconnect between its stated principles and its behavior. Those who yearn for Zion should be the most cognizant of the wretchedness of the powerless and the moral emptiness of the hopeless; yet Israel continues to value its own fears above fairness, and sometimes even simple humanity, for the Palestinians. They condemn the outrage of the disenfranchised and arrogantly demand authority over lands for which they refuse to accept responsibility, and all of this continually disgraces the nobility of what they strive to achieve.

I have no solution for the problems which plaque Israel and its neighbors. I do not know what it will take to achieve a set of circumstances which will be adequately advantageous to both the Israelis and the Palestinians to allow them to put aside their hatred and fear and live in peace. Perhaps it is a problem that only time can solve; perhaps the solution is beyond the power of the human spirit. I do know that it is both a moral and an intellectual failure to violate international law and kill and maim a few contrary hippies, old ladies from Cleveland and angry Turkish women in headscarves, even if only through negligence, while achieving nothing, when there are so many alternatives which would have been so much more decent and effective in protecting Israel’s security, and the fact that the Israelis cannot admit, or even see, the truth in this is a sad reflection on what Israel has become. David was redeemed of his betrayal of Uriah only through his lamentations and a lifetime of service to justice; Israel better start to get on the side of the righteous, or Absalom will surely be king.

Istanbul, Not Constantinople

2010-05-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

557 years ago today, the Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II and his somewhat well-behaved army entered the City of Constantinople, putting the final exclamation point on the slow decline of the Byzantine Empire and ending what might be fairly characterized as over 1500 years of Roman rule in the Eastern Mediterranean. While the Roman Empire had finalized its bifurcation into East and West in 395 C.E. upon the death of the Emperor Flavius Theodosius, the Byzantine Empire considered itself the inheritor of the political and cultural legacy of Rome and traced its lineage back to Augustus, officially conducting its business in both Latin and Greek. Upon the death of his father Theodosius, Flavius Arcadius became the first true Emperor in the East, while his brother Honorius ruled in the West.

Byzantium had been constructed by the Romans during the reign of Septimius Severus around 200 C.E., but was little more than a Roman colony full of Greeks until Constantine the Great rebuilt it as a center of the Christian religion over 100 years later. Constantine would subsequently relocate his personal residence, and, therefore, effectively the seat of the Roman Empire, to Constantinople, which came to rival Rome in wealth and grandeur. Constantine is known as a saint to the Orthodox Christian church because of his role in establishing Christianity in the Empire, although one might suggest Jesus would have been somewhat uncomfortable with some of his policies, including having his own son and wife put to death for reasons which are still the subject of speculation. Constantine was preparing plans to invade the Persian Empire, in what would have been the first Christian crusade against nonbelievers, when he fell ill and died in 337.

For over 1200 years the Byzantines survived conflicts with the Huns, the Persians, the Islamic Empire and the Turks. While their fortunes waxed and waned, often in the extreme, Constantinople itself remained an impenetrable fortress and a center of commerce and culture. Ironically, the only time the city’s defenses were actually overcome was during the Fourth Crusade in 1203. The European Crusaders, being in hock to the Venetians for a princely sum, decided to sack Constantinople and haul away enough booty to pay their debts. They justified their actions by citing the lack of cooperation of the Byzantines with the crusade and the fact that the Orthodox Christians were suspect because they conducted services in Greek and didn’t acknowledge the authority of the Pope; although Venice’s trade rivalry with the Byzantines might have had something to do with it. Constantinople never fully recovered from this treachery and it was the first major domino in the cascade that led to May 29, 1453.

Mehmed II had been scheming to erase the last vestiges of European control in Asia since ascending to the Sultanate two years earlier. He had initiated an aggressive ship building program which resulted in an overwhelming naval advantage. The Byzantine Empire was a shell of its former self, with its territories having been reduced virtually to the walls of the city itself, and Turkish conquests in the Balkans had effectively isolated the Byzantines. Mehmed was only 21 when he assembled his 100,000 man army, 350 ship navy, and laid siege to the city. At the advice of his astrologers, Mehmed mounted his final assault at the most propitious moment, having battered the city’s walls to rubble with his new super-weapon, the cannon. The Byzantine Emperor, Constantine XI, is believed to have died defending the citadel, although his body was never recovered.

Mehmed and his army carried off pretty much everything that wasn’t nailed down and sold around 60,000 men women and children into slavery, although rape, mutilation and murder were held to a minimum. In fact, Mehmed’s troops were considerably better behaved than the Christian crusaders who had visited a couple of centuries earlier. Mehmed claimed the title of Caesar and moved his capital to Constantinople, which was renamed Istanbul, although there is still some dispute as to what the name actually means. Istanbul was restored to its former grandeur under Ottoman rule and remains one of Asia’s great cities. Mehmed went on to raise a general ruckus in the Balkans, culminating with the siege of Belgrade in 1456. He died in 1481 at the age of 52, likely a victim of poisoning.

I find history generally fascinating, so just recounting the facts is interesting to me, but the facts often provoke further reflection. The United States, for example, has been around for about 234 years. It was almost 234 years from the sack of Constantinople by the Christian crusaders until its fall to the Turks, and there were 1200 years of political history preceding that. What will our political map look like in 1200 years? Many historians have suggested the fall of Constantinople helped spark the European Renaissance by forcing the center of European learning and culture to the West, along with 10’s of thousands of educated and talented Geeks seeking refuge from their Turkish conquerors. Like so many things in life that are considered to be disasters, the fall of Constantinople may have simply been a harsh step on the path to wherever humanity is bound, but I cannot help but wonder what Julius Caesar would have thought about his despotic successor, Constantine, rushing headlong to certain death in defense of a cause long since lost. There, amid the decaying imperial opulence of 15 centuries, in a city Caesar never envisioned under the cannonade of a religion he could not have imagined, the Roman trumpets were at last silenced. Perhaps, at their final moment, the residents of the Imperial Byzantine Palace were troubled by this bloodied, ethereal phantom of Caesar’s limitless ambition, echoing down their abandoned marble halls.

Atlas Shrugged, Sort Of

2010-05-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

God bless the Republican voters of the great State of Kentucky. They threw off the oppressive yoke of the national Republican establishment and chose, dare I say, a maverick to oppose the Godless Democrats in the state’s Senatorial contest in November. They selected, by a significant margin, a 47 year-old ophthalmologist from Bowling Green, Rand Paul. If the name sounds vaguely familiar, his father, Ron Paul, was a recent candidate for President of the United States. Mr. Rand Paul has gained as of late some notoriety and much press attention by making certain statements about his positions on various national policy issues, including the President’s attitude towards British Petroleum in light of the current environmental situation in the Gulf of Mexico, and the wisdom or appropriateness of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Some people suspect Mr. Paul’s positions could prove to be a bit extreme.

That this comes as any surprise to anyone is something of an irony, since Mr. Paul is on record with his thoughts on a number of issues which pretty clearly indicate his fundamental principles. Unlike many who seek elective office, I believe Mr. Paul actually is a principled man who truly believes what he says and is not just shape-shifting in order to get the job. While it is difficult, and perhaps unfair, to try and summarize the totality of a person’s beliefs in a few words, Mr. Paul is a certainly a fervent supporter of the free market and reduced government intervention is private life; unless you happen to want an abortion, want to marry someone of the same sex or want to conduct medical research on human embryos, of course, but I guess freedom must have its limits.

Mr. Paul believes that campaign finance reform is “censorship” and that the cure to the corrosive effects of money in the national electoral process is to reduce the power and influence of the Federal Government such that corporations will not find it beneficial to expend money to sway public opinion. Mr. Rand apparently believes that most government regulation, such as regulation of oil companies or doctors, is an infringement of individual rights and is counterproductive from a practical perspective, unless it regulates abortions, of course. Mr. Paul also believes that private businesses should be able to choose to whom they provide goods or services and that if you run, for example, a restaurant, and you don’t want to serve people of African descent, then more power to you. It’s a business decision and you will either profit by it or not.

Mr. Paul is one of those people, sometimes known as “Constitutionalists”, who think the United States Constitution is intended solely to define the operational parameters of the Federal Government, not to define the general climate of public affairs, and that pretty much all the wisdom of governance that is possible to be divined is already in there. They are sort of like Biblical literalists in that they believe that the Constitution was more or less formed whole and perfect by the divine pantheon of monolithic and nearly flawless Founding Fathers, not to mention it being completely transparent and universally understandable. These people tend to discount the possibility that societies evolve politically or morally or that economic freedom could be context sensitive or that the fundamental flaws in human nature will manifest themselves more prominently when not mitigated by the structure of civilization.

Rand Paul has indentified himself with the “Tea Party”, a rather amorphous group of malcontents who seem to have resentment of taxation and a fondness for caricatures of Barrack Obama as their unifying themes. They are basically mad as hell and aren’t going to take it anymore, but other than keeping the guns they already have, acquiring more, and opposing “socialism”, they don’t seem to have much of a platform. Like many of us, they know what they don’t like, but they don’t have a clear concept of what the “correct” situation would be. Rand Paul tells them that the problem is mostly too much government, unless you want an abortion (repetition for emphasis), and that if we just get the government out of the way the capitalist utopia will manifest itself and freedom will be preserved for a thousand generations.

The problem with all this is that life is ninety-percent maintenance. Weeds will choke the garden of liberty if they are not persistently removed. Monopolies will form and free competition will be eliminated. Corporations will gain power and will use their economic might to influence the government to their benefit. Wealth will accrue in the hands of the few and be held as matter of heredity, not individual effort and skill. The poor and the ignorant will be forced to fight the wars of political convenience and economic advantage while the wealthy sip Perrier and cluck about how dreadful it all is. Conversely, the poor and the ignorant will be manipulated from time to time by populist demagogues to rise up and overthrow their Capitalist oppressors and each revolution will go too far and damage the engines of economic progress and material security. The madness of the mob will supplant reason and tyranny will reign; just watch the History Channel if you doubt my representations.

In the considered opinion of this humble Wormhole Repairman, Rand Paul and people like him are just as intellectually flawed as Karl Marx and the thousand other social philosophers who have summed up the secrets to success in a few sentences. They don’t understand that social perfection is a dream and that principles are a guide to action, not an articulation of known facts. So let me sum up the secrets to success in a few sentences. Life is complex. Balance is the rule of nature. There are no perfect solutions for the shortcomings of the human race. Self-governance and true human liberty are recent experiments which defy the established pattern of human history and have not yet been even nearly perfected. The United States Constitution, while a work of near genius, is a human creation, not a supernatural occurrence. The intellectual and moral progress of humanity did not cease in the 18th Century. Individual freedom without social responsibility is a fantasy perpetuated by the same frauds who sell get rich quick schemes and colon cleanses on cable channels at 3:00 in the morning. Economic freedom is not a natural counter to selfishness, chaos by choice is not morally superior to equitably enforced order, the profit motive will not restore the environment of the Gulf Coast, and, most notably, in 50 years when good old-fashioned Kentucky white people are decidedly in the minority and can’t get served at the downtown lunch counter, people like Mr. Paul will probably think differently.

We hold these truths to be self evident; we do not hold them to be without some difficulty in practical implementation. We strive to form a “more” perfect union, not a perfect union, knowing that perfection is the province only of God and delusional human minds. We’re up on the tightrope, one side’s ice and one is fire, but it is not a circus game; it is all that we hope for ourselves and our children and the generations of humans to come. The extremists of left and right may tell us that jumping off on one side or the other is the solution to all our problems, but for me, ladies and gentlemen, the lunch counter will remain open to all and Mr. Paul can take his “freedom is the freedom to deny freedom” rhetoric and throw it on the scrapheap of history along with all that other deceptively comfortable nonsense that we continue to use to justify our listening to the selfish devils that never stop whispering.

Deep Kimchi

2010-05-19T09:28:00.001-07:00

So, let's forget about politics for a while. The world is going to hell, but the world has been going to hell for about 250,000 years. The first election following the emergence of Cro Magnon Man was a cynical affair; with Og impugning Toktok's hunting skills and general hygiene, and Toktok suggesting Og was infertile. It has been going steadily downhill ever since. Anyway, I like horror movies. Come to think of it, Sarah Palin would be great in a slasher flick as a comely but impurely experienced vixen who is chased, partially disrobed and has her larynx cut out and stuffed up her ass by a deranged Southern Baptist preacher on the rampage about halfway through the movie, but I'm getting way ahead of myself. I like Korean horror movies especially.

It must take a lot to scare a Korean. Koreans put cabbage in a pot and bury it and then dig it up and eat it. This could seem like a variation on the resurrection/transubstantiation theme to the uninitiated, or even some sort of a vegan zombie thing, but it is probably just one of those odd twists of fate where someone did something unusual once and everybody else picked up on it, even though it has the aroma of a septic tank and the consistency of phlegm. Nonetheless, they soldier on, as they do with all aspects of like. The Korean peninsula is sort of like a military base with cities in it. Virtually every square mile is covered with artillery and tank traps and is honeycombed with tunnels, both for burying cabbage and sneaking around unseen. There are more soldiers per capita in both halves of Korea than there were at Appomattox Court House in April, 1865.

The Koreans have been mistreated quite often in their history, most recently rather harshly by the Japanese during World War II, and then there was all that Korean War stuff and then a fragile, armed peace complete with kidnappings and axe murders and one of the world's biggest fruit-cake dictators with long-range missiles and (perhaps) nuclear weapons. However, Kim Jong-il does like action movies and breathtakingly attractive women, so he is perhaps not completely crazy. The point is, when Koreans want the shit scared out of them, all they have to do is read the newspaper or try and drive a car in Seoul or, in the North, breathe. When they go to the movies to be scared, they are not interested in any slow-paced, mounting psychological tension, no matter how excruciatingly wonderful it may be; they want a full-on freaky blood-puking fright-fest, which will either make you drop your skittles on the floor or at least not want to eat them.

It should be noted that no one should listen to me with respect to the quality of a movie, since my tastes in cinema are clearly out of step with the majority of civilized humans. Most those movies on Netflix that you have never heard of and which have an average viewer rating of one star are just delightful to me, and the less reverence, political correctness and emotional stability, the better. So, Korean horror movies, eh? "Oldboy" is a great movie, although some may not consider it a true horror movie because it lacks any element of the supernatural, but it is like Franz Kafka wrote the screenplay for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The violence is astoundingly brutal, but not at all gratuitous in the context of the plot. "The Host" is a cleverly disguised political satire concealed in a Godzilla theme which gives tremendous insight into the Americanization of South Korean society and proves that Industrial Light and Magic is not the only game in town. "R-Point" is a spooky and violent war-time ghost story which educates the average ignorant citizen about the role of Korean troops in the Vietnam War. It is an exploration of the power of guilt to distort reality and the unseen burden of the weight of history that bears down on us all.

On the more domestic side, "The Red Shoes" is a confusing but disturbing portrait of obsession which leaves you with a pleasantly itchy feeling of WTF just happened. "The Wig" is a classically creepy tale of possession and revenge which uses to excellent effect the Asian archetype of the female ghost with long, dark hair. "A Tale of Two Sisters" is a dark fairy-tale about a family in crisis and the harm keeping secrets can cause. It is genuinely dark and spooky, but moves too fast to be "creepy". You just have to hang on. I loved the movie "Cello", although most critics were lukewarm. You can keep quite a variety of things in a cello case, you know. "Hansel and Gretel" is visually stunning and deeply disturbing, as are all movies about children, especially the "Look Who's Talking" series. "Arang" is an excellent example of the police drama/ghost story combination that is so popular in Asian film. Don't watch it if you are squeamish.

I could go on, and often do, but suffice it to say that there are a plethora of wonderful Korean horror films out there and, if you like a good scare, do yourself a favor and check some out. Incidentally, I will be sending a copy of this blog to the Korean Film Board seeking reimbursement for the positive press. What is interesting about foreign horror films in general is that they have universal appeal, despite cultural representations that may be obscure or obtuse to the Western eye. When it comes to our fears of isolation, helplessness and death, we are definitely all one race and common fears probably imply common hopes as well. Art can help build bridges to understanding, even if it's the sort of art that builds bridges one festering corpse at a time.

We're All Arizonans Now

2010-05-16T21:18:00.001-07:00

My favorite former Alaskan Governor, Mrs. Sarah Palin, is at it again. I sometimes wonder if she is not a close relative of Michael Palin, since she has a talent for the comically absurd, but I suppose it is unlikely. I don’t know what the Alaskan equivalent of the Mayflower was, but if Mrs. Palin’s forbearers were on it, perhaps Alaska would be better off it had been a little less sea-worthy. Actually, I have mixed feelings about even discussing Mrs. Palin, since I have often criticized the American news media for giving her inordinate attention, out of all proportion to her relative significance or merit, but I am coming to understand that she represents something very real and very worrisome about a significant element of American society.

The most recent pearl of wisdom that Mrs. Palin threw in my swinish path was the statement made concerning the law recently passed in Arizona. When discussing the law requiring law enforcement to ascertain the immigration status of persons they have “official” contact with, Mrs. Palin suggested Americans want to know “Why haven't the police already been doing that?” It would probably be pointless to try and discuss the subtleties of Constitutional protections with Mrs. Palin and her supporters, and none of them will be reading this anyway, but those of us who are not part of the ignorance is bliss bandwagon should probably be a bit concerned that a significant number of people in this country feel that Constitutional protections should be casually ignored when “questionable” people are involved.

For the record, I do believe that the United States needs to be more effective in both bureaucratic regulation of immigration and physical control of our nation’s borders. You probably cannot call yourself a nation if you don’t have at least marginal control over people entering and leaving your sovereign territory and that is probably what we currently have, marginal control. There are a lot of reasons we would want to know who is coming and going across our borders, and law enforcement is only the most obvious of them. Immigration reform is a very complex issue, but I think the demand-siders are probably correct on this one; the best way to manage the issue is to enforce requirements to demonstrate eligibility to work in the U.S. and punish the employers who violate these regulations, whether they are lawn maintenance contractors or Wall Street corporations.

Mrs. Palin and her intellectual peers are not supportive of national employment documents, because that would force all citizens to produce documentation and submit to verification in violation of their privacy rights. The Arizona law, however, would only require that people identified by an individual police officer as being “questionable” would have to produce proof of their right to be in this country and, I can only surmise, since most of the people so identified will be of Hispanic extraction, the chances that an honest, god-fearing white person will be subjected to the indignity of this process is remote. Perhaps I am being unfair; I know that many “Tea Party” supporters and other adherents of nativist populism are expressing resentment about being labeled as “racists”, but I have a problem finding any other explanation for the inconsistency in their stated concerns about Constitutional rights. It appears that while all pigs are equal, some pigs may indeed be more equal than others.

Beyond being concerned that any person of voting age in the United States could be so ill-informed or lacking in intellectual discernment as to find Mrs. Palin a credible or sincere spokesman for anything but her own interests, I find it distressing that some significant segment of our population still feels that the problems this nation faces can be best addressed by abandoning our principles. Anyone who has endured my rantings previously knows that this is one of my consistent themes. In my view, every massive social disaster experienced since around 436 B.C. has mostly been the result of a society that felt it could do things the easy way when times got tough.

So let’s just harass Mexicans about their citizenship status; after all, they’re not like us; they don’t share our commitment to the rights of man. Hell, what if we do screw up and drag a legitimate resident off to the holding camp? Who cares? It won’t be you or me or anybody we know very well. God knows we’ve got millions of Americans lined up waiting for all those grass cutting jobs that will be made available. While we’re at it, maybe we can get some unemployed East German engineers to help us design the razor wire, scatter guns and minefields for our border management infrastructure. If that fails, we can all go to Idaho and wait it out in our fortified compounds and protect the flame of true liberty with the guns we so bravely prevented the government from depriving us of. Sarah probably won’t be there to enjoy paradise with us though; she’ll be in Aruba sipping pina coladas and spending all the money in her Swiss bank accounts that she made talking nonsense to our dumb asses.

Britannia Est Insula

2010-05-13T12:30:00.001-07:00

The Tories are back in charge in merry old England, sort of. The Conservative Party, as the Tories are officially named, had to stoop to forming a coalition government with the Liberal Democrats in order to get a majority in the House of Commons. There are 650 seats in the House of Commons, and the Tories only won 306 of them, so they needed the 57 seats won by the Liberal Democrats to break the 325 mark. This coalition is more than just semantically odd; the Liberal Democrats are more liberal than the Labour Party, which was unceremoniously booted from Downing Street after a 13 year run, so partnering with the Conservative Party is sort of like Barney Frank and John Boehner going on a date.

I don't really know much about the politics of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, nobody in America does. To us, the UK is just a tidy theme park with pastures and fog. We tend to think of the UK as a beloved pet, loyal and obedient and there to comfort us when no one else understands. We often forget that everything, right or wrong, about this great nation of ours is a legacy handed down to us by the British, whether language, law, arrogance or chicken pot-pie. Even our bicameral legislature and fondness for shrubbery are British. We've had a long and often tempestuous relationship since George III lost his marbles and let the colonies slip away, but for the past century, we've been just about inseparable, in peace and in war.

I visited England once, for just a day. I was on my way from Islamabad, Pakistan to Atlanta, Georgia, a popular destination combination, and I had about 20 hours in London because of the el-cheapo British Airways ticket I bought. I took the train from Gatwick to Russell Square, where I spent the evening in a modest hotel with no air-conditioning. It was the first week of June, and the weather was, surprise, cool and overcast with a light drizzle. I had a pleasant meal and pint across the street from the hotel and, being from Macon, Georgia, thought to myself, "no wonder you blokes colonized half the world; you were trying to find some decent summer weather". I had spent three years in the U.S. Army in Europe many moons before, but never made it to the "islands", probably because the Chunnel hadn't been dug, and I'm easily distracted. Anyway, the people were charming, the food was bland, the weather sucked and the weight of history was enormous.

So Labour is out and the Tories are in, just the opposite of what we experienced in 2008, but, of course, the American Presidential system and the British Parliamentary system are two radically different approaches, which are ironically very similar. The House of Commons has all the real power in the UK, even though they have a Queen and the House of Lords. There are even probably a few queens in the House of Lords; in fact, the closet thing we have to the House of Lords is probably the Saturday night Drag-Queen revue at a place we all know about but pretend we don't. The Queen and the House of Lords are like the fuzzy hats the Grenadier Guards wear, they are symbolic representations of the glorious past which nobody but tourists can afford to give a rat's ass about anymore. Anyway, the prime Minister attempts to run the government with nothing but the confidence of his fellow MP's standing between him (or her) and unemployment, and he has to spend all day in the Parliament listening to catcalls. However, lest we laugh at the eccentricities of our North Atlantic cousins, in their Parliament, honest and substantive debate are only masquerading as chaotic insults and hooting, whereas in our Congress chaotic insults and hooting are masquerading as honest and substantive debate. As a nation of obsessive whiners, we still have, perhaps, a good deal to learn from our British friends; stiff upper lip and all that.

The moral of this story is that politics is all about timing. There are forces at work in the world which are as indifferent as they are irresistible. Not even the CIA can control the random events and unnoticed processes which jump out and yell "Boo!" at the worst of times. The economy took a dive and the Republicans were history. The Bush administration may have had something to do with the bad economy, but it was mostly things that had been brewing for some time, "structural" issues which lurked beneath even poor regulation and massive debt. The Euro slumps, so now Gordon Brown has time to go on The Graham Norton Show and take college classes with John Major and the Tories can try and preserve an unnatural and unstable coalition while still facing war, economic hardship, random violence and the gravitational wake of the collapsing America empire.

The problem is thus; whatever your political disposition, and however fervently held it may be, most people can only remember the last 15 minutes and have no idea what kind of commitment and sustained effort it takes for a society to accomplish anything. Every time something goes wrong, we throw the political bums out and start with a new group of bums who want to undo everything the last group of bums accomplished; this is almost the dictionary definition of inefficiency. It would certainly make more sense for us the have a set of principles that were not based upon short-term convenience, fear, hunger, thirst, suspicion, parochial opportunism, the frantic and useless pabulum of the nightly news, or even hope. It would be better for all of us to know who we are, what we want, what is reasonably possible and the plan to get there. Then we could roll with the punches, take the good with the bad, forgive the inevitable human failure and quit swimming in a circle for the entertainment of the sharks. Good luck David Cameron, I hope you have a lot of skin on your teeth.

Change My Ass

2010-05-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here I go again. Somehow I must be one of the few people in this country that just doesn’t get this “terrorist’s rights” issue. Today (or maybe yesterday) the Attorney General of the United States, the one appointed by President Change and confirmed by a overwhelmingly Democratic Senate, suggested that in cases of “suspected” terrorist activity, that it might be ok to limit “suspect’s” Miranda rights. We all know what Miranda rights are, but it is important to this rant of mine that we remember what they are supposed to accomplish.

In 1966, but a 5-4 vote, the United States Supreme Court ruled that statements made by criminal suspects to law enforcement personnel while in custody can only be used in evidence at any subsequent trial if it can be satisfactorily demonstrated that the suspect was advised that he had a right against self-incrimination and a right to consult with an attorney before making any statements to the police. The Fifth Amendment to the Constitution provides that “(no person) shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself”. The Sixth Amendment provides for the right to “Assistance of Counsel” in any criminal proceeding. Let’s be clear here. These are the Fifth and Sixth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States, not some Federal District Court ruling, and what good are rights if you don’t know you have them?

So our Attorney General, Mr. Eric H. Holder, now says that perhaps we should “modify” the “public safety exception” to allow for even less Constitutional protection for suspects when terrorist acts “may” be involved. The public-safety exception is a rather vague legal codicil to the requirement for Miranda warnings which allows law enforcement to delay the reading of such warnings in situations where there may be some immanent threat to public safety. In such cases, statements made to police prior to the reading of the Miranda warnings may still be admissible in court. The public-safety exception has been interpreted in various ways by different Federal Courts, but there is generally a clear burden on the State to demonstrate the existence of a threat adequately significant to warrant the waiver of established rights.

What exactly “modify” means in this context is unclear. Attorney General Holder has said that they would have to find a “Constitutional” method to provide greater flexibility for law enforcement in interrogating terror suspects, but there are no specifics being presented by the Obama Administration. Now I hate to be such a negative Nellie, but 18 month ago I was accusing Dick Cheney of treason over pretty much the same crap. I am certainly not going to be all warm and fuzzy about president Obama, from the mean streets of Chicago or not, screwing around with Constitutional protections for short-term political, or investigatory, convenience. I mean, where does this all go, back to waterboarding?

Here’s the reality. Freedom is a problem for law enforcement. Free people can come and go as they please and don’t have to answer any questions or let anybody take a look in their trunk. Constitutional rights are an obstacle to the swift arrest and prosecution of criminals. At least some majority of people who are arrested for stuff have actually broken some law, even if it not exactly the one they were arrested for. It would be way easier if the police could just walk in and take a look around whenever it suited their fancy and if they could keep you in the basement of Police Headquarters with no access to a lawyer while they interrogated you for hours on end. Way easier.

Please don’t anybody go getting all Jesse Helms on me; I’m not saying the police want to do this; I’m just making a common sense observation. Our Founding Fathers were suspicious of government and the use of government power to interfere in the lives of the citizens of a free nation. They deliberately made it difficult for the government to push you around. They even gave you the right to keep a gun to shoot at the forces of oppression if they ever returned to our shores, whether from without or within. As a free people we argue the merits of these concerns and the boundaries of these rights everyday.

In the darkness of the last days of the Weimar Republic, the Nazis fomented street violence and public chaos to justify repression of freedom as a necessity, and they politically put forward just the guy for the job. The history of every totalitarian state reads much the same. First there is anarchy and fear, and then Big Brother steps in with a plan to pacify the streets and identify the wrong-doers and trouble-makers. The tired, old “it can’t happen here” bullshit fails to take into consideration human nature and the history of societies under economic, military and political stress. We are only different from all other cultures that have preceded us in the fact that we have written down our principles clearly and specifically and have taken great pains to guard them as well as possible against all enemies, foreign and domestic, for almost 235 years now.

I understand that the threat of terrorism is real and that the consequences of successful terror attacks can be catastrophic. We have all seen what a handful of determined psychopaths can accomplish. I know that there are thousands of Americans still grieving today from events that might have been prevented if someone somewhere had just said “screw the Constitution, I’m going to find out what these suspects are up to.” The problem is that you can say that about most of the crime that occurs in the United States. There is not doubt that we would be far safer from the criminal element and random failures of character if we have a policeman on every corner and a camera in every bedroom, but that’s not how we roll. Taking rights away from people who may be American citizens, even if they have funny sounding names, based solely upon fear and suspicion, is the triumph of convenience over principle and the troubled sleep before the nightmare begins.

Pakistan is Threatening My Borders!

2010-05-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

So here’s the deal with Pakistan. Weighing in at a healthy 175 million residents, it is the world’s sixth most populous country (according to the CIA World Fact Book). At roughly the size of California, it is pretty crowed by American standards and, like California, a significant part of the country is rugged and inaccessible by all but the most determined. There are about 10 different languages or dialects spoken by at least somebody in the country, if you include English, and 95 percent of the citizens are of the Islamic faith. Despite significant out-migration, Pakistan has a healthy population growth rate (1.55% annually) and a more healthy inflation rate that ranges from 5 to 20 percent, depending on the year in question. I could go on reciting facts, but that wouldn’t help go where I’m headed exactly. The point is, Pakistan is a real place with real flesh and blood people, 175 million of them. 175 million people means 175 million different perspectives and 175 million different plans and aspirations and 175 million different reactions to stuff that happens.

As a matter of full disclosure, I have been to Pakistan. I spent a lovely three weeks there 21 years ago trying not to expire from the late May heat. I was there getting married to a lovely Pakistani lady who had taken the ill-considered action of consenting to marry me. I am sure she has had many ambivalent feelings about this choice over the years, but that’s not the point of my rambling tome either. I'm telling you all this so that you can go ahead and dismiss my perspective as biased, if you see fit, but ask yourself this; would a guy actually take his wife’s side on anything that has anything to do with blowing stuff up?

So, whether you get your news from Fox or MSNBC or the Appleton Daily Standard, you are probably aware that our government has come to the conclusion that all those evil people that planned attacks on us that we let escape from Tora Bora (I’m just sayin’) have made it to safe haven the tribal areas of Pakistan. As the story goes, which I do not doubt, money and religious and political sympathy have bought Osama and his krewe of murderous douche-bags (the ones still alive, that is) a place to hide far from the maddening crowds. Of course we take exception to this, as we should, and have been looking for the dude and his buddies under every rock from Jalalabad to Peshawar. Whenever we think we have found one of them, we send a MQ-1 Predator to pop an AGM-114 “Hellfire” missile at the suspect location. The Hellfire carries a variety of warheads, but the ones used in Pakistan are probably mostly the 20 pound high explosive type. Herein lies the problem.

By most accounts the United States has launched what is approaching 100 Predator Drone attacks in Pakistan thus far. An indeterminate number of evil-doers have been obliterated and somewhere between 700 and 1000 innocent (i.e. non-target) civilians are estimated to have been killed. I have not seen estimates for the number wounded or the value of “collateral” property damage, but twenty pounds of high explosive can do a real number on mud brick structures. The Obama Administration has made these attacks its principle military strategy in fighting “Al Qaeda” in Pakistan and there does not appear to be any plan to reduce or cease such attacks in the near future.

Anyway, along comes this doofus, Faisal Shahzad, a naturalized American citizen of Pakistani origin, who knows less about bomb-making than the average UGA fraternity boy, who also gets his ass caught and starts spilling the beans about his trips to Pakistan and all the fine friends he made over there and how they are all mad about the drone attacks. Suddenly, every paper bag in Manhattan is a Pakistani Taliban bomb and a nation that already has enough problems between radical Islamic insurgents and an unstable democracy and a big, powerful and generally unfriendly neighbor in India, now has to worry about the public relations disaster brought about by ONE guy.

Now, I am not suggesting any sympathy for Mr. Shahzad, who may, or may not, be the biggest dumbass in Sing Sing for the next 40 years, but let’s take a look at it like this. What if some Mexican criminals, drug lords for example, escaped across the Mexican border into Brownsville, Texas and the Mexican government thought they had found out where they were hiding and launched a missile across the border which did, or did not, kill the escaped criminals, but which also blasted little Joey and Susie, the fine American children living next door, into a pile of goo. How much outcry from the American public would there be and how much pressure would there be on the President (Palin, maybe?) to retaliate? How long do you think that it would be before half of Mexico City was a smoldering ruin?

I am simply amazed at the indifferent arrogance of the average American when it comes to killing completely innocent people all over the world. People say “well, that’s war”, or “they shouldn’t be hiding the douche-bags”, but we are not at war with Pakistan, and I’d wager 98 percent of Americans have no idea who is in the house right next door right this minute. I don’t appreciate Mr. Shahzad’s attempt to imitate the wanton destruction of innocent life, but I do understand why somebody in Pakistan might not be too copasetic with aggressive U.S. actions which kill their family or neighbors who just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, victims of “faulty intelligence”, poor aim, or the political sentiments of cousin Abdul.

I am probably as much a victim of nostalgic amnesia as anyone in this country; I have this persistent thought that America used to be better than this, that we were a kind and caring nation who wouldn’t blow up old ladies and children unless there were no alternative. I’m likely dreaming on that one and, in all fairness, we are probably still one of the most well-intentioned nations on the planet, but we are rapidly becoming one of the most incompetent, and power and incompetence make a dangerous combination. Our ignorance of, and indifference to, the thoughts, feelings and ideas of people who are different from us is appalling. Our certainty in our own moral superiority, unsupported by anything but jingoistic rhetoric, continues to isolate us from needed friends and creates enemies unnecessarily. Faisal Shahzad is clearly more American than Pakistani; he thinks complex problems can be solved by indiscriminate violence and he doesn’t have the slightest clue, what the hell he’s doing.

The Flying Circus

2010-04-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

To put some context to the issue, I am a firm believer in evolution by natural selection and I accept without significant reservation the socio-biological basis for much human behavior. While we are semantically perhaps more than apes with large brains, we are certainly related to apes and often display similar patterns of action under the appropriate circumstances. We are territorial, innately hostile to those outside our defined group and unashamed to aspire to domination of all we survey. Fairness also demands acknowledgment that we are capable of great empathy, charity and self-sacrifice, under certain circumstances, but those characteristics do not belie the truth that the world can be a dangerous place, with most of the danger embodied in the far-flung communities of our own species. The point is, if your rival has a stick, you may desire to have a bigger stick, since the rival’s stick may be employed to strike you repeatedly on the cranium and, once you are thereby disabled, repeat such process on your mate, offspring and domesticated canines. If you don’t accept the proposition that the world is a dangerous place, or if you feel that it is precisely our belief that it is dangerous that makes it so, it is difficult to discuss the merits of investments in national defense. Also, if you have a strong moral reservation about incinerating your fellow humans, even when they may not share such reservations, and may in fact even be contemplating the very act of attempting to do so to you or yours, then you will not be convinced by any argument of the necessity to squander the fruits of human labor on the capacity to squash our enemies like bugs. If you are one of those people, then God bless and protect you, but I am not taking to you.

Robert Higgs, an economist from the Cato Institute, estimates that America’s total expenditure for defense related activities in 2010 will surpass one-trillion dollars. The actual Defense Department Budget for Fiscal Year 2010 is about $685 billion, which does not include funds for prostitutes and bribes; those are actually in the Department of Energy budget. Anyway, at the lower figure of $685 billion, that’s about $3,000 for every person in the US over age 20, which is actually quite a bargain for the preservation of global peace, liberty, free trade, gender equity and the abatement of unreasonable search and seizure. On the other hand, if all we are getting for this investment is a transfer of wealth from the middle class to the upper classes and the eternal resentment of the families and friends of those we have incinerated in the name of justice and prosperity, then maybe it is not such a good investment. At this point it should become clear to the observer that every question is a Chinese puzzle box of underlying questions and maybe my wasted career as a petty government bureaucrat has made it impossible for me to draw any firm conclusions, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that the reality of the merit of military expenditures by the United States is a mixed bag of unfortunate necessity and delusional lunacy. I hope this is helpful.

So, somebody says to me, “how about that F-35 Lightning II?” My response is, “gosh, I don’t know.” Lockheed Martin says the F-35 is “a fifth-generation, single-seat, single-engine stealth multirole fighter that can perform close air support, tactical bombing, and air defense missions.” The turnkey cost on each of these sterling examples of American ingenuity is almost $200 million, and we are planning to make about 2400 them, so the actual program cost in currently inflated dollars is somewhere around $480 billion, which includes cruise control, leather bucket seats and an extended maintenance contract. This is the most expensive weapons system project in US history, which clearly makes it the most expensive in world history, more expensive than even an army of Orcs or the Death Star itself. These marvels of avionic science are intended to replace the U.S. military's “aging” fleet of F-16, A-10, F/A-18 and AV-8B tactical fighter aircraft. Since the F-35 is planned to be in widespread deployment in operational squadrons by 2016, we may have actually paid for the aircraft it is supposed to replace by then, maybe. The plane has been in development since 2001 and the first prototype flew in December of 2006. The design and development process has not been without issues, both technical and political. In keeping with our sacred tradition of military procurement, the project is over budget and behind schedule. There were costly fixes to the plane’s weight and a host of other nagging issues have emerged, like the delivered product costing twice what was originally estimated, and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates even went so far as to relieve the project director, Marine Major Gen. David Heinz, of his job earlier this year. Despite all of this, the F-35 Lightning II seems to be on track to take to the air in a few years to confront the evils of Islamo-fascism, Russian nationalism, Chinese capitalism and American unemployment.

I will digress slightly at this point to advise the reader (such as you are) that I am a veteran of three years of decidedly undistinguished but nonetheless loyal military service to the United States; I once voted for Sam Nunn and I have a loaded, and licensed, handgun in the glove compartment of my Dodge Charger Hemi V-8 (5.7 liter), albeit with a trigger lock securely in place. This all means I am probably unwelcome in Vermont, at a Greenpeace rally, or even in polite company, but I am more of a South Georgia beer-drinking seen-too-much-suffering Liberal than an Ivy League comfortable life leaves-time-for-speculation-about-greater-good Liberal, not that there is anything wrong with either approach. Anyway, my point is that I stood toe to toe with the evil Soviet Empire during the long dark years of the Cold War (mostly in German bars with German beer and German women) and I know the value of a well-oiled gun in a knife fight, but I have got to give the thumbs down to the F-35.

Here’s the deal. I really don’t know much about this whole issue and I’m mostly making up all the numbers I reference, but we are scheduled to spend almost seven billion dollars on the F-35 this year alone. The only military item we are spending more money on is the National Missile Defense, at $9.4 billion. I can stomach the bill for the National Missile Defense because it is designed to keep me and my family and dogs and property from being vaporized by distant nations that do not respect Comedy Central. Defense spending for actually defending ourselves against something makes sense to me, even if some greedy contractor is making an obscene profit. I know about all the MAD issues, but as long as missile defenses are accompanied by nuclear disarmament efforts, like the one just signed with Russia (which the Senate better not screw up), then I believe we are making real progress. Anyway, I’m not really concerned about the potential flaws with the F-35 design or the criminal cost overruns or software glitches or how loud it is or any of the rational arguments one might make based upon competitive value or adequacy of performance. My intent is to make a cheap emotional appeal.

The F-35 is designed and intended to continue the United State’s unilateral air supremacy over the world’s skies towards the middle of this century. The current fleet of former avionics miracles, including about 180 F-22 Raptors, can be maintained for decades to come. We are, after all, still flying B-52’s and EA-6B’s, which seem to be working pretty well. The state of aviation technology and the financial resources of the nations that may be real threats to us will take perhaps decades just to duplicate the F-22, a squadron of which is about as powerful as the Starship Enterprise. China has a military budget about one-tenth of ours and if they weren’t stealing our technology, they would be 30 years behind instead of just 15. The F-35 program will simply extend our capacity for, and obsession with, taking it upon ourselves to go it alone, ignore the cautious council of our fellow democracies, and involve ourselves in all sorts of short-sighted military adventurism, secure in the knowledge that the world will just have to bend over and take it because they cannot defeat, or even see, our fleets of doom. There is no conceivable line-up of evil axes that could hope to stand against the current military resources and moral resolve of the world’s free nations, and there is no really, really, really true global threat to human liberty that would fail to move our allies to action. Just because some nations want to use non-violent means of punitive coercion and we can’t drag all our friends over to our misguided Arab killing adventure does not lessen my faith in General Lafayette. I’ve been to Germany; I like them and they like me. That’s how we roll.

I’m not even going to discuss what $480 billion in infrastructure investment would mean to our economy or quality of life, or how much medical research could be accomplished with such a sum, or how many young adults could be taken from detention, counseled, educated and diverted from mugging old people. We don’t live on this planet alone. When we take our best minds and strongest metals and bend them to the machines of global domination, we are sending the wrong message and should not be surprised when others feel threatened and sacrifice their own economic well-being to try and compete. When we demonstrate that we do not plan to have to rely on our allies in times of crisis and allow the subtle fear that they might even be on the receiving end of the flying fist of death should it be necessary, we don’t engender loyalty and affection. When we show that the pursuit of happiness will be shortly followed by the pursuit of the shattered remnants of the vanquished foe, we are no longer the last, best hope of Mankind. Let Zeus hurl the lightning, we can make do with the strength of our principles and a few hand me down stealth bombers.

The Voting Right Act

2010-04-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

The history of voting rights in America is a sort of “Cliff Notes” version of our entire social history. Beginning with the white, property owning male only deal and meandering to the current policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t think, don’t even bother”, we have, at the federal and state level, been through an intelligently designed evolution resulting in the broadest and least utilized franchise in the industrial world. Given that the media is unwholesomely absorbed with political banter and everyone is simultaneously obsessed with and disgusted with the government, from Washington, DC to Anywhere USA, it is something of an irony that more people don’t vote, but somewhat less surprising that when they do, they mostly do something fucked up.

John Adams, signer of the Declaration of Independence and later President, wrote in 1776 that letting just anybody vote was not a really groovy idea, saying “depend upon it, Sir, it is dangerous to open so fruitful a source of controversy and altercation as would be opened by attempting to alter the qualifications of voters; there will be no end to it. New claims will arise; women will demand the vote; lads from 12 to 21 will think their rights not enough attended to; and every man who has not a farthing, will demand an equal voice with any other, in all acts of state. It tends to confound and destroy all distinctions, and prostrate all ranks to one common level.” We do, after all, hold these truths to be self evident.

Let me state for the record that I have tremendous respect for the men, and it was pretty much men, who founded this nation, but I am able to respect them in the context of their times and not deify them beyond the bounds of logic. Some of our fellow citizens, who somewhat cryptically refer to themselves as “Constitutionalists”, probably agree with President Adams about who ought to be able to vote; on the other hand, I’m not sure how they feel about 18th Century dentistry. The world has changed an awful lot since 1776 (or June of 1788) and Alexander Hamilton and James McHenry would have had to smoke a pound of peyote before signing the Constitution to even have a hint of things to come.

So anyway, everybody bitches and calls each other names, but no more then half of them ever vote, and, as noted, when they do, they keep re-electing the same shit-asses they were all complaining about. Clearly this process is not highly effective and the analogy of Nero getting all Charlie Daniels while Rome flames is pretty apt for what our elected leadership is up to now. If it weren’t for the empirically demonstrated fact that Oligarchies, Plutocracies, Duel Monarchies, Triumvirates, Cults of Personality, Articles of Confederation, Holy Roman Empires, Soviet Unions and Philosopher Kings all ultimately result in the loss of liberty, we would be wise to try something else. Unfortunately, in the humble opinion of this Wormhole Repairman, there ain’t nothing else.

Where that leaves us is with the burden of overcoming human failure, forming a more perfect union and not pissing in the Ferrari’s gas tank anymore. In order to do so, I propose a few changes to the electoral process, proposals which are at least as serious as they are facetious. They are as follows:

1) No party identification of any kind is allowed on the ballot, not even animal avatars.

2) Candidate order on the ballot is determined by the total number of anagrams each candidate can derive from the letters of their entire names.

3) All candidates, for whatever elective office, must provide a 250 word summary of their political views, which is to be attached to the ballot. The summary cannot utilize the suffixes –ive, -ist, or –ism.

4) Voters must check off that they have read the statement of political views of every candidate in the race before casting their ballot. In fact, a brief quiz on the material, requiring a minimum score for the ballot to be counted, is probably in order.

5) Voters cannot vote in any election where they cannot name all of the candidates in each race prior to voting. The names of all the candidates would be posted at the polling place where uneducated voters could brush up. A score of 75 percent might even be acceptable.

6) You must say please and thank you to all the poll workers.

The central problem that America is facing now is that representative democracy is a failure and there is no back-up plan. We are too lazy, too emotional, to ignorant, too apathetic, too frightened, too irresponsible, too inconsistent, too distracted, too easily manipulated, too tired and too busy to fulfill our civic obligation to be informed and dedicated voters. Political parties are a party at our expense, career politicians are inevitably self-serving douche-bags and extremist of every stripe are too full of bile and feces to lead us anywhere except straight down the alley to the whore house. As Ulysses Everett McGill has noted “damn, we’re in a tight spot.”

Earth Day Whining Extravaganza

2010-04-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

A recent article posted on the National Geographic Online suggests that every single day the world-wide use of toilet paper consumes the equivalent of 27,000 trees. They don’t say what kind of tree, but it is presumably not the Sawtooth Oak. The news could be worse; if my teenage sons ever start using toilet paper, the destruction could be phenomenal. My reading of the article indicates that the total world toilet paper use is even greater than its equivalent quantity of trees since much toilet paper is made from recycled paper products, presumably not recycled toilet paper.

An Evergreen State College student (no joke) in Olympia, Washington, using NASA satellite data, has estimated that there are currently approximately 61 trees per person on Planet Earth. So, if we are losing 27,000 trees a day to the commode, we would need to reduce the world population by 442 persons per day to keep the ratio constant. Unfortunately, we are increasing the world population by something approaching 200,000 persons per day. This is like dropping 1.3 times the population of Bibb County, Georgia onto the Earth’s surface every single day. If you have ever been to Bibb County, Georgia, you will know that this is not a good thing.

The total current tree harvest is estimated at 270,000 per day world-wide (notice, toilet paper accounts for a full 10 percent of this total). This works out to around 100 million trees a year. UN statistics indicate that around one billion trees are planted each year, so we’re doing great, right? Well, the problem is that trees take a long time to grow and 10 little tiny seedlings can’t replace a mature tree in the ecosystem; we are, therefore, losing habitat at a massive rate and, of course, all those little trees don’t survive to maturity. The trees planted are not necessarily the same types as the ones harvested, so we are radically altering the environment, with unpredictable consequences.

This whole deal with the trees is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Mankind’s impact on the world ecosystem. As population grows, which it inexorably does, the demand for all these resources increases, cities grow, forests disappear, garbage dumps proliferate and the margin of error for human civilization decreases. Unfortunately, at least in America, discussion of environmental issues is lost in the reflexively bipolar political theater known as representative democracy. Because the Liberals support abortion rights, gay rights and public funding of the arts, the Conservatives feel they must oppose everything else the Liberals promote, because that’s how they roll. What everyone involved in this process seems to forget is that political power on a dead world is of limited value.

I was born and raised in Macon, Georgia (in Bibb County!), not Boston, and I never went to an Ivy League school, but I am not above a little East Coast intellectual elitism when it comes to saving the planet. While many issues in life are subjective, the dependence of human life on the world’s ecosystem is not. Everything we eat is some former living something, unless we are a toddler, in which case dirt, paste and crayons are fair game, but even these things are partially organic. The air we breathe and the water we drink is kept within acceptable limits by natural processes which we are busy altering. The children of all those rednecks in Texas voting for that handsome demagogue Rick Perry will be just as screwed as mine when the world can no longer sustain this massively wasteful and quarrelsome human infestation. You don’t have to believe in global warming to know that without fish there is no McDonald’s Fish Fillet (2 for $4.00, for a limited time only).

It is difficult to speculate at what point we will be confronted with the real consequences of our irresponsible environmental policies and unsustainable lifestyles; we can probably rock along for several more decades without too much trauma while the fundamentals continue to deteriorate and the political anti-environmentalists continue to point to the lack of catastrophic collapse as evidence that the Liberals are just hysterical socialists who hate free enterprise. At some point, however, very bad things will start to happen and the human suffering will be wide-spread and immense, and all our stealth bombers, SUV’s and sacred principles will not put Humpty-Dumpty back together again.

America has tremendous influence in the world as a consequence of our economic and military power, and as a result of our open society and generally humane principles. We also have tremendous impact on the world as a consequence of our enourmous resource consumption and cultural leadership. We really do have the power to save the world, but it will likely not be through purging the greed, ignorance, indifference, selfishness and inhumanity from foreign lands, but by purging those same qualities from ourselves. It is not too late to stop wiping our ass with the world’s future and make peace with Mother Nature. I just hope the Republicans love their children too.

Celebrating 100 Episodes of Self-Indulgence

2010-04-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Just a self-indulgent observation; it was exactly one year ago yesterday that I posted my first blog here as the Wormhole Repairman, and this post happens to be number 100, so it is relatively easy to calculate that I am posting at a rate of approximately 100 blog posts per year. This is by no means an extraordinary volume, but for me it represents a level of commitment I have seldom otherwise achieved and clearly demonstrates how greatly I value my own opinion; I actually took the time to write it down. Now, if anybody ever read it…

Speaking of my opinion, I recently ran across a Lenny Bruce quote which reads, “The Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.” Being one of “the Liberals”, I can clearly relate to this observation. I am consistently confronted with the sentiments of my fellow citizens, concepts and conclusions that are equally as strongly held as my own, that make little sense to me. I have a great deal of juvenile fun ironically (some might even say, cleverly) maligning the assorted contradictions of Republicanism, Conservatism and Baptism, while there is perhaps an even stronger societal current maligning the ideas of people like me. Apparently I am some sort of a communist, socialist, American-hating sissy ignoramus. This comes as a great surprise to me after a life of formally and informally studying history and politics, three years of service in the American Army and an honorable discharge, voting in every available election from President to dog-catcher, and actually paying my taxes without discernable cheating.

Now these things don’t necessarily make me a messiah or a genius, but I should at least get some credit for being a reasonably useful member of society and law abiding citizen. This is what sort of troubles me; I love to poke fun at what I believe to be the intellectual and moral failures of others, but ultimately I realize that I am subject to the same defects and cannot equitably take myself too seriously. While I may decry the stupidity of, for example, George Bush, I would without a doubt, in the great tradition of Harold and Kumar, split a case of Bud with him and make every effort to talk about subjects other than my low opinion of his intellect. In fact, I concede I could even form a greater appreciation for the man as an individual, outside of his role as political avatar. Of course, I might also get drunk and try to beat him senseless, but he has Secret Service protection. I do not get the same sense of tolerant equity from many of my angry Conservative friends.

If you are willing to accept the complexity and ambiguity of human morality and the factual uncertainty of many of the conditions and circumstances of life, you have to accept the possibility of your own error. This is what makes much religion and many “isms” so attractive; they remove the murky fog of self-doubt from the equation and allow one to earnestly pound one’s fist with absolute conviction. The effect of this can be seen in the shallow depth of political discourse in this country and the righteous indignation of so many citizens. Unfortunately, absolute conviction allows for a host of other things that may not be completely positive. A little self-doubt can be a powerful force for moderation, which is only a problem if you are not a moderate.

As many of our prominent theological leaders have observed throughout history, it is very easy to criticize others. As I recall, there are even a number of Biblical admonitions to consider your own shortcomings before finding fault with others, but the emotional intoxication of absolute certainty and the accompanying buzz of moral and intellectual superiority are irresistible to many. Of course, I clearly believe that my view of the world is the most morally and intellectually valid, that’s why it is my view, and I’m certainly not shy about telling anyone who will stand still long enough what I think about virtually anything, but the reality is that I am just one of well over six billion people on this planet and my understanding of anything is limited by my innate intellectual ability and my acquired knowledge and experience. It is also limited by my desire to continue learning and understanding and the extent to which I have already decided that I know all I need to know. Like so many of life’s paradoxes, the more certain we are that we are completely correct, the more probable it is that we are completely wrong.

Looking for Justice

2010-04-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

Justice John Paul Stevens has announced that he will soon be retiring from the United States Supreme Court. Appointed by President Gerald Ford in 1975, Stevens is currently the forth-longest serving Justice in the Court’s history. He is considered by most Liberals to be a moderate justice who has further moderated his initially generally conservative views over time. He is considered by most Conservatives to be a communist. Most Conservatives also consider Gerald Ford a communist.

The Supreme Court is a creation of Article III of the United States Constitution. Section I simply reads that “the judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish.” Section II goes on to specify those cases which the Federal Courts shall exercise jurisdiction over, but nowhere does the Constitution dictate the structure, the procedure or the preferred judicial philosophy of those Courts. There is a substantial amount of writing from the various framers of the Constitution on the subject of the judiciary, including those both preceding and subsequent to the adoption of the Constitution, but these are, after all, just the opinions of individuals, and in many ways they reflect the divided views of the Founders on the role of the judiciary, and government in general, rather than monolithic unanimity about exactly what the Supreme Court was supposed to do.

There are now well over two-hundred years of established precedent defining the role of the Supreme Court, and just as many years of on-going spirited debate about the size, composition, and prerogatives of the Court. The role of final interpretation and application of the Constitution has become the exclusive province of the Court, which is somewhat unique, and powerful, in the sense that the Court is created by the Constitution; so, in a way, the Supreme Court decides for itself what its powers are. Though this may sound somewhat frightening, it is completely consistent the concept of our Founding Fathers that free people are capable of self government and that checks and balances cannot be a Chinese puzzle box; ultimately our salvation lies in deliberative and judicious selection of our public servants and political leadership, and that is why the elected President nominates the proposed Justice, and the Senate debates and, usually, confirms the nominee.

Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the ranking Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee and a man who would without a doubt be more comfortable in the Confederate States of America Senate, has already threatened to filibuster against the appointment if President Obama nominates someone who will “make law rather than interpret it”. Last time I checked, cases came to the Supreme Court because someone other than the Court had initiated them, so the Supreme Court can only chose to address those issues which they are presented, which is decidedly different from the various legislatures, which can do any damn foolish thing they take a notion to. I don’t recall seeing anything about a filibuster in the United States Constitution, but Senator Sessions seems to be ok with that. I do recall that the Constitution used to say that only “three-fifths of all other persons” (i.e. not free) would be counted for the purposes of Congressional representation, and that this provision was subsequently amended as the moral sensibilities of the nation evolved, but apparently Senator Sessions believes that the Constitution is, like the Bible, handed down from on high, eternal and inviolable. Unfortunately, Senator, men are not gods, even men as wise and honorable as those that founded our nation.

Senator Sessions was very critical of President Obama’s previous nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, because of his fear she might be empathetic to a party appearing before the Court, saying “empathy for one party is always prejudice against another.” I suppose it would be rather tiring to try to be empathetic to everyone; you might even become a little grumpy after a while. Anyway, I don’t know who the President plans to nominate to the Supreme Court, but I do know that it will inevitably become the disgusting, hypocritical political Kabuki theater everybody so thoroughly despises, but which we cannot seem to rid ourselves of. As for Senator Sessions, I gather that he would not vote to approve Jesus Christ if he were nominated. A little empathy is, after all, a dangerous thing.

Feelin' Kinda Snaky

2010-04-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading about the “ten most poisonous animals in the world”. You can check this out for yourself at http://villageofjoy.com/10-most-poisonous-animals-in-the-world/. The pictures are really cool. As we all know, the world is full of poisonous creatures; we visit some on holidays and regrettably work with others, but the guys on this website will do more than hurt your feelings or tarnish your reputation. Poison is apparently really convenient if you are trying to eat something that takes exception to being eaten or trying not to be eaten by something which may find your poison objectionable. Some of these creatures are damned unreasonable, however; why does anything need venom so powerful that one drop can kill 20 humans? The Cone Snail happens to enjoy this distinction, but it can’t crawl fast enough to overtake an unmotivated inch worm, let alone a human.

The champion poisonous creature is the Box Jelly Fish. At about 10 inches across, it’s not particularly large and a fully developed adult will weight only about 4 pounds, but it does have about 10 feet of wispy tentacles which have been responsible for around 6,000 human deaths since the mid-fifties, which is apparently when they started keeping track of such things, although with the Cold War and all I’m not certain what prompted that particular statistical pursuit. Box Jelly Fish only live about a year, so maybe they are resentful and want to take a few of us with them. Sea turtles are immune to their venom and eat Box Jelly Fish in large numbers. Humans don’t eat Box Jelly Fish, so you would think the Box Jelly Fish would be smarter to have a poison that killed sea turtles. Go figure.

The King Cobra weighs in at number two, but it is way too commonplace to inspire much fascination. Its venom isn’t particularly toxic, but it tends to inject an insulting amount of it, so humans are relatively frequent fatalities. It mostly just eats rats, but the King Cobra also markets its own brand of malt liquor. The aforementioned Cone Snail gets third place; its venom is unique in that its most serious effects can be delayed for days, much like the effects of King Cobra Malt Liquor. The Cone Snail lives in the ocean, so, if you’re afraid of the ocean, you should be ok.

Number four on the list is the Blue-Ringed Octopus. This diminutive relative of the pirate unfriendly Kraken will bite your ass and then you will stop breathing. It’s not that you will want to stop breathing; it will just happen that way. Fortunately the Blue-Ringed Octopus only lives in the Western Pacific and mostly kills curious Japanese children. Number five is the rather dramatically named Death Stalker Scorpion. I don’t know if this scorpion is supposed to be stalking Death, which would be sort of ballsy, or if it is just unpopular. The pain of its sting is said to be unbearable, and then fatal. Why it wouldn’t just kill you first and spare you the pain is a mystery to me, but it does live principally in the Middle East, so it is probably contentious by nature.

The Stonefish is number six. It is a rather homely, but generally unremarkable, member of the fish family. It sort of looks like a rock, hence the name. Based upon the disagreeable expression on its face, it probably just wants to be left alone, like grandpa when he’s constipated. It has spines on its back which deliver potent venom, like grandpa when he’s constipated. Number seven on the list is the Brazilian Wandering Spider. This spider kills more humans than any other, including, apparently, those giant spiders from Attack of the Giant Spiders, No one knows why it wanders, but its venom is known to cause prolonged and painful erections in its human male victims (I’m not making this up), so it may just be getting the hell out of Dodge. You should probably avoid the Brazilian Wandering Spider for the foreseeable future since it is going to be pissed that it is just the number two arachnid on the most poisonous list.

The Inland Taipan of Australia is number eight, and it is actually the most venomous snake in the world, with venom 300 times more potent than the King Cobra, but because it is so stingy with its poison, it is not as fatal. I have also never heard of Inland Taipan Malt Liquor, although I don’t get out much. The Inland Taipan is rather shy and doesn’t get out much either. Number nine is the Poison Dart frog. This dude is actually a fluorescent blue, just so you don’t mistake him for any of his less lethal cousins. Native to Central and South America, a very tiny drop of this frog’s poison is enough to kill you. The indigenous peoples of the region have used the poison on the darts of their blowguns (hence the name) for centuries to hunt animals and kill arrogant white men who disrespect their wholesomely arcane cultures. They may even kill Brazilian Wandering Spiders with the darts, but only after the erection subsides.

The least poisonous of the most poisonous is apparently the Puffer Fish. The Japanese, who are often admired for their intellectual prowess, eat these poisonous fish, called Fugu, and die at the rate of five to six very intelligent people per year because of it. It is not known if the dishonored chefs who have prepared the fatal meals commit ritual suicide, but certainly they lose their chef’s licenses. In Korea the delicacy is known as Bok-Uh, which may very well be a homophone of the last words of a recent victim. It is my understanding that Mrs. Puff, SpongeBob Squarepant’s driving instructor, is a Puffer Fish, but she really doesn’t seem the type to paralyze your diaphragm. It’s a wonder Mr. Krabs hasn’t sold her to the Sushi Hut.

Anyway, nature (or other such non-specified intelligent or probabilistic designer) sure does make some freaky critters. I have to assume that, for the most part, these fellow residents of Planet Earth are pretty indifferent to us and really don’t have much desire to dissolve our innards or impair the efficacy of our neuronal data transmissions. They just do their thing and, if we happen to blunder into their groove, we get dosed with the nasty juice and holler like a little girl until we get better or die. Since I seldom venture to South America, African desserts or the Great Barrier Reef, I think the necessary respectful caution is a small price to pay for the fascinating diversity of life on Earth. Perhaps we humans could even learn a little something from creatures that possess great destructive power, but never employ it as an instrument of anger or pride.

Driller Killer

2010-04-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

I notice that President Obama has recently reversed himself on the issue of new offshore drilling for oil and natural gas in U.S. waters. Unless I am completely misremembering things, he was pretty much against this during the Presidential campaign. I suppose there are a few ways you can look at this. It would certainly not be impossible that the President has obtained new information or a greater understanding of the issue during his tenure in office, and has, therefore, revised his previous position. It is even possible that the factual circumstances have changed during the intervening period and that a new policy is truly warranted.

We should be cautious about being too critical of such deviations from campaign rhetoric since we do not want our political leadership to be reluctant to do what is best for the nation, no matter what kind of self-serving idiocy they spout during their pursuit of elective office. On the other hand, I am always concerned that sound policy positions may be abandoned for reasons of political expediency, whether to achieve legislative compromise or simply to placate ethereal public opinion. I am unsure as to the President’s motives with respect to this current issue, although it has been speculated that he is trying to reach a deal on Climate Change legislation and feels some concession to the oil and coal industries may be necessary. It has also been suggested that President Obama still has not completely abandoned the broader concept of bipartisan legislative initiatives and that he continues to offer these unilateral concessions to our Republican friends in order to facilitate future legislative success.

Assessments of the potential benefits of extraction of these coastal oil and natural gas reserves vary, and are largely dependent on the assumptions made with respect to the volumes to be extracted. However, there is no one suggesting that exploiting these reserves will significantly relieve our dependence on foreign oil sources or substantially affect retail gas prices. The consensus is that full development of all the coastal resources targeted by the President’s initiative would only reduce average gasoline prices by 3¢ per gallon by 2030. Currently we buy about 143 billion gallons of gasoline each year, so even if demand is unchanged in 2030, it would represent about an additional $4.5 billion in the pockets of American consumers each year. Just for comparison, the clean up cost of the Exxon Valdez oil spill is estimated to be approximately $2.1 billion, but the actual long-term cost of the associated environmental degradation and loss of genetic diversity is virtually impossible to quantify in financial terms. Proponents of offshore drilling note that the recent environmental record of seabed oil extraction is quite good and that the distance from shore of these potential reserves make environmental calamities like that which befell Prince William Sound very unlikely. It is also noted that there will be significant revenues generated for the various states involved, as well as for the Federal government, and thousands of jobs will be created.

Here in Florida, where the white sand and blue waters of the Gulf of Mexico are significant financial resources in their own right, there is some skepticism of the wisdom of opening up these coastal areas for further exploration and extraction. The State of Florida reports that beach related tourism supports almost 450,000 jobs in Florida and the total direct spending of beach visitors each year is almost $20 billion. Any significant harm to Florida’s beaches by ugly clumps of petroleum tar could negate many years of savings on gasoline resulting from new offshore drilling, even without trying to estimate the dollar cost of environmental degradation. It would therefore seem that whether additional offshore drilling is a good idea or not depends on the probabilistic model you use to forecast outcomes. In other words, all we can do is guess.

Speaking of guessing, I have a few other concerns about this policy change that are extremely difficult to address in quantitative terms. What does the exploration and development of new oil resources that will not be fully implementable for 15 to 20 years say about our commitment to evolve away from an oil-based energy economy, and is the Obama administration conceding that by 2030 we will be no closer to significantly implementing alternative energy sources than we are now? Could the investment necessary to locate and extract these oil and gas resources not be better spent to develop and refine alternatives like bio-fuels, hydrogen fuel cells and nuclear fusion? Shouldn’t we be building new bicycle factories?

I am still a President Obama supporter, and I still firmly believe we are better off with him than the alternative we were offered in 2008, but he is proving to be a mere mortal after all, and his inclination to compromise on important issues for political reasons does not really impress me as change you can believe in. It is more like change you can see a faint glimmer of, and you have to supply your own hope. I don’t know whether new offshore drilling is worth the risks or not, but I suspect neither does President Obama, and his willingness to support it, despite his previous pronouncements to the contrary, gives me a decidedly uncomfortable feeling of déjà vu.

Crack That Whip!

2010-03-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

I’m usually not a big fan of irrelevant gossip, which means I don’t watch much Fox News or Oprah, but the story that was first reported by the Daily Caller this morning is just too good not to demand my prurient interest. Just for information, the Daily Caller is a website (dailycaller.com) recently founded by Tucker Carlson, he of the bowtie fame, which focuses on Washington related political news. I was not even aware of the Daily Caller’s existence prior to about 5:00 this afternoon, so I don’t really know what they are all about, but Tucker Carlson is not generally known for his liberal sentiments.

Anyway, the Daily Caller published a report about spending by the Republican National Committee (RNC) in the first quarter of this year. Now, the RNC is a private organization which receives their funding from the voluntary contributions of people concerned about things like what language you speak in your grocery store and who you have sex with, and they can spend their money on whatever strikes their fancy as far as I am concerned, but because of their political function they are required to file Federal disclosure reports for contributions and expenses on a quarterly basis. The report obtained by the Daily Caller shows thousands of dollars of Republican contributor’s money being spent on private jets and luxury hotels. The leadership at the RNC has been so successful promoting the Republican brand recently, I can understand why they should be rewarded with up-scale travel and lodging. What the RNC itself says is that they need to present the appropriate image to high-end donors in order to attract their donations. I certainly know that I would be inclined to fork over my hard-earned dough if I knew that the people hassling me for it would spend a lot of it on caviar and masseuses for themselves, but I’m a pretty understanding fellow. $43,000 for a RNC trip to Hawaii (not including airfare) makes complete sense to me, as Hawaii is known to be a Republican stronghold. All in all, the RNC has spent just under $110 million dollars during the tenure of its impressive Chairman, Michael Steele. How much of this was spent on wardrobe is unknown.

However, the most interesting expense reported was $1,946.25 paid out at the Voyeur West Hollywood, a “bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex”. I am hardly in a position to be critical of this type of recreation and I applaud the Republicans for being so open minded. Hopefully none of the simulated lesbians were in any simulated marriages. Actually, the money could have been for milk and cookies for all I know, and the RNC personnel spending it might have been there for Bible study with the Sapphic dominatrixes, but the report doesn’t go into that type of detail. Certainly the staunchly family-values oriented Republicans would not be providing kinky entertainment to naughty potential donors, since they probably wouldn’t want money from people like that.

Who knows what sort of stuff the Democratic National Committee spends its money on, but the Daily Caller isn’t making an issue of it, so I am presuming that, at least for the first quarter of 2010, it wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy. This is really the point that strikes me; the Democratic Party is full of gays and alcoholics and people who have filed bankruptcy and may even have used some sort of illegal drugs at some point; in other words, the Democratic Party is more like a group of actual Americans you might meet at a truck stop off the Interstate in Maryland, and the Republican Party is more like what you might see if the Stepford Wives had 41 seats in the Senate. Actually the whole thing really makes sense; keeping lesbians in bondage is certainly at least part of the Republican fantasy life.

To Infinity, And Beyond

2010-03-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Things just keep getting weirder, and I’m not talking about the healthcare debate or American foreign policy (not this time anyway). As it turns out, there is a team of scientists at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland who have apparently not taken to the streets to protest the doom of impending socialism, but who have rather been studying an apparent phenomenon called “Dark Flow” for several years now. Dark Flow was indentified by comparing the distribution of galactic clusters (groups of galaxies) in the Universe relative to the cosmic microwave background radiation.

The scientists found that in certain regions of the Universe, at certain distances from Earth, the distribution of galactic clusters varied in a statistically significant manner from the cosmic microwave background radiation. Since the cosmic microwave background radiation is a physical remnant of the explosive event which gave birth to the Universe, the matter in the Universe should be distributed in approximate conformity with it, but in the case of these certain galactic clusters, it isn’t. These clusters appear to moving relative to the background radiation, rather than in concert with it. The team at the Goddard Space Flight Center speculates that there are only two explanations for the observed phenomenon which are consistent with known physics, and neither of them is consistent with known physics.

The first possibility is that the observed regions of space/time are somehow anomalous and functioning under rules that are not consistent with the balance of the Universe. This explanation is not favored since it would be the first demonstrated such example where universal principles of gravity and probability are violated (other than in a singularity). The other explanation offered is that these galactic clusters are being pulled in an unexpected direction by something outside of the universe, like the gravity of another universe. For those of us who have grown up with the concept that there is nothing outside of the Universe, this sounds like something Deepak Chopra might come up with, but it is actually Alexander (Sasha) Kashlinsky, the Goddard Space Flight Center team leader, who has speculated on the matter (no pun intended). Dr. Kashlinsky, a graduate of Cambridge University, has been studying cosmological issues for over 20 years and is something of an expert on cosmic microwave background radiation and the Universe’s neo-natal issues.

The theory of Dark Flow is, of course, not without its detractors, but most of the criticism has centered on methodological issues in the study of galactic cluster movements as opposed to offering any viable explanation for the phenomenon should it actually be occurring. A recent expansion of the data set used in the analysis to include two additional years of observations has served to confirm the original observations made in 2008, and methodological criticisms have been addressed, at least to the satisfaction of the study team itself. Currently, there is no reason to dispute the legitimacy of the observation that these galactic clusters have engaged in deviant behavior, we just can’t be certain why.

The wonderful thing about science is that it keeps giving us new stuff to talk about with our spouses and significant others. Unlike much political and religious thought and the practiced ignorance of the crypto-Luddites who worship the past, science goes where the facts take it, to the extent that facts can be known, and goes with the humility to admit that certain things are only probably true, not absolutely true. There may be a more prosaic explanation for Dark Flow put forward tomorrow and the research team could repudiate their own findings next week, if reason dictates, but for now, it’s pretty creepy. Whole clusters of galaxies are being drawn like the children of Hamelin towards something that shouldn’t exist and the only reasonable explanations appear to be magic or Star Trek.

I have spent a great deal of time contemplating the unfathomable infinity of time and space and the have spent many sleepless nights and purchased a great deal of Prozac because of it. While many physicists have speculated about the existence of other universes as solutions to problems in both Quantum Mechanics and General Relativity, and while the idea that there is more to reality than reality is not completely new, Dr. Kashlinsky has now kindly provided me with the suggestion of empirical evidence that, in addition to the infinity of my own universe, I can now lay awake at night and contemplate the infinity of an infinite number of other universes. Thanks, dude; I appreciate your help.

It's the Battle of Bull, Run!

2010-03-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

As the Republican minority in Congress appears increasingly resigned to the prospect of some form of healthcare reform passing, Republicans at the level of the various states are now taking up the cause and threatening to file civil suits against the United States’ government under the provisions of the 10th Amendment to the US Constitution (http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0310/34702.html). The 10th Amendment is one of those necessary but problematic elements of the Constitution which somewhat ambiguously reserves powers not expressly granted to the Federal Government to the several States. From a procedural perspective, this makes complete sense, but, unfortunately, the powers of the Federal Government are also somewhat vaguely defined in the same document, and are subject to change by interpretation of the Constitution by the Supreme Court. Further, simply because an authority is not granted to the Federal Government, it doesn’t mean that an individual State can exercise it; the power may not be available to any level of government, but you don’t know that until the issue grinds it way through interminable judicial and legislative processes.

Anyway, I am reminded of the situation in the Russian Duma in the Imperial Federation where the Bolsheviks were in the minority but, through some obscure internal party maneuver years previously when they were still part of the Russian Social Democratic Labor Party, they had acquired the name “Bolshevik”, which means bigger. Their rivals, the Mensheviks, of course, got stuck with the name that meant “smaller” or minority. In 1917, however, the situation was completely reversed, but the Bolsheviks, just like the Republicans, went on acting like they were in charge, and the Mensheviks, just like the Democrats, second-guessed themselves at every turn. We all know how that one turned out. The Bolsheviks were committed to the idea of violent revolution, just like Sarah Palin and numerous other Republican luminaries; although I’m sure Dr. Gingrich probably wouldn’t see the irony in my observation. Ms. Sarah may find, however, that hunting well-armed, genius IQ Liberals is slightly less one-sided than shooting a moose.

So, the greater irony is that the sacred Union which so many Republicans shed their blood to preserve, led by the most iconic of Republicans, Honest Abe himself, is now just a formality to many of the Republisheviks who subscribe to Lucifer’s observation that “it is better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven”. State’s Rights have re-emerged as a serious topic of discussion among some of our more Neolithic citizens, calling into question the entire history of our nation since 1861. If the Republicans cannot prevail at the ballot box, the theory goes; they can abuse the court system to obstruct the evils of socialism, which, with even further irony, is absolutely their constitutional right to do. Alas, we all know we have the right to do things we ought not to do, but we often do them anyway, more often than not, to our regret.

So while Rick Perry, the indescribable Governor of Texas, a truly fine place, begs impotently for the Federal Government to assist him in getting his State border with Mexico under control, he speaks of secession and the glorious liberty of a sovereign nation where you can be executed for crimes that logic dictates you did not commit. As a native of the great State of Georgia, which has lately fallen back into the intellectual abyss of theocracy, unenlightened self-interest and bigotry, I can empathize with the few brave souls in Texas fighting the zombie apocalypse with little more than their idealistic commitment to human progress, and the thought of allowing these fine Americans to be brought under the sway of a despotic regime of moronic cowpokes is the only thing that keeps me from sending the Texas Independence Party a check for $20.00 with my best wishes.

Full disclosure requires that I admit I have not read the currently proposed healthcare bill in its entirety, or even in a majority of the pages, so I cannot put myself forward as an expert. I also know that the Democrats and their trial-lawyer lobby buddies have virtually ignored the very real issue of tort reform and the outrageous concept that being the victim of an unfortunate, or even negligent, accident entitles you to the status of lottery winner, but that’s another blog entirely. I do know that in a nation of conscience healthcare cannot be just another commodity to be assigned at the whim of the market, and true reform is needed. I would prefer that our dear Republican colleagues acknowledge this and bring forward some brief sketch of how they would propose to address the issue before they attack Fort Sumter.

A Casket for Aunti Em'

2010-03-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

At right around one PM, eight-five years ago today, a rotating funnel of air and water vapor dropped from a wall cloud near Ellington, Missouri and set off on a tri-state odyssey of destruction unprecedented in recorded human history. When the storm had run its course 219 miles later, almost seven-hundred people were dead, 2000 more were injured, many seriously mangled, and 15,000 homes were destroyed. Whole towns simply disappeared beneath the 5000 foot wide roaring cyclone, emerging horrifying moments later as scenes of carnage and chaotic piles of rubble. Some never fully recovered from the devastation wrought, even decades later. This tornado was so bad, Dorothy Gale would have kissed Toto’s ass goodbye and headed for the cellar alone.

America in March of 1925 was a nation of almost 110 million citizens earning an average of about $1,300 a year. The economic collapse and Great Depression were still years away and the Twenties roared on with unemployment hovering around a structural five-percent, about the same as the illiteracy rate. Calvin Coolidge had just been elected President in his own right and sworn in, having initially assumed the Presidency when Warren Harding died from bad oysters and a weak heart in August of 1923. Coolidge crushed his Democratic opponent, John W. Davis, a one-term representative from West Virginia, who was nominated at the Democratic Convention in New York on the 103rd ballot. Ty Cobb was getting ready to smash a few more Major League records and Jack Lemon, Hal Holbrook, George Kennedy, Robert Altman and Sam Peckinpah had all been born in the preceding four weeks.

March 18 dawned as a pretty normal day in the Midwest, cloudy and cool with a forecast for rain and even cooler temperatures. A cold front was on its way through the nation’s heartland, nothing unusual for the last few days before spring. Unfortunately, at the same time a high pressure system was moving north from the Gulf of Mexico pushing warm, moist air into the path of the cool air moving south. Sometime after noon, they slammed into each other somewhere around Southeastern Missouri. The warm air rose rapidly over the cooler air and as the rising columns of air hit the chilly upper level winds, they dropped their cargo of moisture and began to plunge downward. Roiling, dark clouds formed, hanging low to the ground, and as the falling air was torn between the two opposing fronts, it began to spin. Pushed along the frontal boundary by the Polar Jet Stream, the tornado took off at speeds approaching 70 miles an hour and raced towards Illinois.

In 1925 there was no Doppler radar, no 24-hour weather channel, and no warning. The storm moved so rapidly, and the devastation was so complete, there wasn’t even a chance for anyone to phone the next town over to tell them hell was out their way. The cyclone, with wind speeds approaching 300 miles per hour, overran Annapolis, Missouri destroying 90 percent of all the structures and killing four. Next was Gorham, Illinois, which was completely flattened with a loss of 37 lives. The storm then set its sights on Murphysboro, Illinois, a town of 12,000 souls. It collapsed an elementary school full of children and disintegrated forty percent of the town’s structures leaving 243 people dead. At this point, the storm was so wide that those who saw it coming couldn’t recognize it as a tornado. They stood, mouths agape, as the black wall of death descended upon them.

Next hit was Frankfort, Illinois, a mining town where most of the men were underground mining coal, and were thus perhaps the most unfortunate of all, because while they sat safely in the darkness resulting from the power outage, their wives and children were being shredded by an angry behemoth, and 127 of them died. The storm then roared into Indiana and completely erased the town of Griffin from the face of the Earth, killing 25. Its last stop was the town of Princeton Indiana, which it struck a glancing blow, only flattening twenty-five percent of the town, killing 45 people in the process. It wandered on for a few miles more before evaporating like the morning dew at exactly 4:30 PM. No tornado before or since has traveled farther, stayed on the ground longer or killed more people. If the storm had struck a more populous area, the death toll could have been astronomical. As it was, thousands of stunned survivors were left to dig through the debris that remained of their lives and mourn their beloved dead.

These days we have all sorts of technology to identify forming storms and warn those in their paths. We have satellites and planes and radar and disaster-safe communications. We have better buildings and better trauma care and cranes and rescue dogs and legions of brave first responders. We also have a greater disconnection from the arbitrary and capricious nature of life and a greater expectation that we will all die in our sleep after a long healthy life filled with accomplishment and success, but other than being fatter, better educated, more heavily medicated and slightly less racist, we are not much different from the citizens of 1925 Griffin, Indiana who saw their whole world snatched into the heavens by the very wrathful god they had beseeched for mercy at Sunday services just three days earlier. They were completely at the mercy of chance, and despite 85 years of stunning progress, so are we

Happy Birthday

2010-03-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Speaking of birthdays, my mother would have been 74 today had she lived. Before J. Caesar got wacked, March 15 (the Ides of March) in Rome was a day of martial festivals dedicated to the God Mars (is that redundant?). I’m not sure what festivals were held in Warwick, Georgia in 1936 to celebrate the birth of a baby girl to a store owner and his wife, but the Great Depression has even yet never really ended in South Georgia, so I can only imagine what the mood was like then.

My mother would have been nine years old when the Second World War ended. She would have been 13 when the Soviet Union detonated its first atomic bomb, and she would have been 19 when Albert Einstein died. She would have been almost 29 when the March on Selma demonstrated how truly shallow much of our nation’s commitment to justice and equality was, and she would have been 32 when the Watergate was burglarized by Nixon’s clowns, just months before her death. She was 24 when I was born and I was 12 when she died. She was gone before I was old enough to think to ask her about her life and how she felt the first time she heard “Rock Around the Clock” or if she screamed when she saw “Psycho”.

She died of breast cancer and it took quite some time. She underwent several surgeries, which seemed at the time more like ritual mutilations; perhaps the doctors were Aztecs. Cobalt 60 made her hair fall out and made her tired. The creeping realization of the inevitable made her eyes anxious but her words remained strong and the conflict between the two could not be emotionally reconciled by a 12 year old mind. Towards the end, morphine made her incoherent and after her death I was forced by well-meaning adults to view her lifeless corpse, as if I needed such confirmation after having watched the life slowly leak out of her for over a year. Her grave is on a hill underneath some large oaks which do not contemplate the briefness of their existence.

It is impossible to estimate the true impact of the absence of something, but I know my life is not what it would have been had she not died so young. Perhaps she could have given me some clues about overcoming the foolishness that comprised the greater part of my youth. Perhaps she would have helped me care about things that were really important. Perhaps she would have helped me be less flawed in many ways. No one can say. Some physicists believe that the quantum structure of the universe requires all possible outcomes to be manifest in some amended version of our reality in all the infinite combinations dictated by random probability. While this is not necessarily all good news, since theoretically somewhere Hitler won the war and Disco is still king, it would mean that in some version of reality my mother is around to enjoy her 74th birthday, a privilege denied in this so much less than perfect crapshoot of a world.

Good Vibrations

2010-03-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

Albert Einstein was born 131 years ago today in the City of Ulm in what is now the Federal Republic of Germany. In perhaps a mild irony, Ulm is also home to the tallest church in the world, rising a staggering 530 feet towards God’s heavenly seat and encompassing over 6.7 million square feet of volume. I visited Ulm as a young American soldier and have seen this magnificent human achievement dwarfing its surroundings, in much the same way that religion dwarfed science for much of humanity’s existence. I did not visit Einstein’s birthplace, since it was destroyed in an Allied bombing raid in December of 1944. Construction of the great church in Ulm was begun in 1377, so it has seen its share of wars, but during the Second World War, the church went largely untouched. I wouldn’t read too much into this though, except perhaps that random chance is a viable, if emotionally unsatisfying, substitute for divine providence.

Albert Einstein’s life has been extensively chronicled by many insightful biographers and I’m sure there’s not much I can add. One of my favorite treatments is “Driving Mr. Albert: A Trip Across America with Einstein's Brain” by Michael Paterniti. It is an unorthodox exploration of Einstein’s human side and is appropriately irreverent to satisfy the contrarian in me, but whether you have ever read anything about Mr. Einstein or not, you are affected every day by the practical consequences of his thinking. While Einstein is best remembered by the average person for his Special Theory of Relativity, or E=MC2, he actually won his Nobel Prize for work on the photoelectric effect and his important contributions to the fields of fluid mechanics, thermodynamics, optics and quantum theory are universally recognized.

Perhaps the most unique thing about Albert Einstein as a physicist was his general aversion to complex mathematics. While many physicists were absorbed with the cliché blackboard full of seemingly interminable equations, Einstein would intuitively fathom the universe’s deepest secrets and leave the drudgery of mathematical proofs to others. Although it would be untrue to suggest that Einstein was a poor mathematician, he did not typically grind deductively through countless iteration of formulae, but rather inductively reasoned complex theories completely in his mind. Like the blind Kung Fu master, there was something almost supernatural about Einstein’s ability to guess what nature was up to simply through observation and contemplation.

The predictions of Einstein’s various theories continue to be verified all these years later. Most recently, astronomers have observed galaxies clustering in the manner predicted by General Relativity and General Relativity has also been utilized to confirm the mass, and therefore the existence, of Dark Matter surrounding the visible elements of galaxies. It turns out that Dark Matter may well be the predominate component of the universe, despites it elusive nature. I have my own theory that Dark Matter is comprised principally of all the missing socks and random chess pieces which have seemingly vanished into thin air throughout the years, although there is currently no empirical data to support this. The presence of wormholes, by the way, is just one of the many bizarre realities predicted by General Relativity, along with time travel and relativistic time dilation, so, as a Wormhole Repairman, I have a significant debt of gratitude to Mr. Einstein.

Einstein was something of a player and an intermittent workaholic, so his domestic relationships were sometimes less than satisfactory and many have observed that he could have been a more attentive father, so apparently, like all the rest of us, Einstein had his faults. What is interesting is that while in many ways he was so unlike most of us, he was after all just a brilliant, but flawed human. Einstein said, among other insightful things, that “the hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax”, which proves his genius for understanding both the mundane and the sublime. He enjoyed a cold beer, a shapely female form and speculating about quantized atomic vibrations, and we all know two out of three ain’t bad. Happy birthday dead genius dude, and thanks.

Kinder Spiel

2010-03-10T12:55:00.001-08:00

I just read a brief article at Newsweek.com entitled, "Harvard Poll of Young Voters Should Worry Democrats". The gist of it is that the enthusiasm of the tide of young voters (18-29 year-olds) that propelled President Obama to his petite landslide in 2008, and the Democrats to large majorities in both houses of Congress, is waning. Recent elections in New Jersey and Virginia are suggested to be indicative of this, and the author speculates that failure to arrest this decline in youthful zest for the Democrats will spell disaster in November of this year. I suppose if "disaster" means the Democrats taking their semi-decennial electoral ass-whooping, then it's all probably true.

While I am generally somewhere to the left of Rupaul politically (not to be confused with Ron Paul), I too am losing my reverential zeal for many Democrats, and I have intermittently IN THIS VERY BLOG commented upon my reasons, which are essentially disillusion with their disorganization, cowardice, greed and lack of true principle. This is as contrasted with my disillusion with Republicans due to their arrogance, ignorance, greed and lack of true principle. It seems to me that the two major political parties in this wonderful democracy of ours have degenerated into anti-parties which are defined primarily by what they stand against rather than for. Both of the major parties in recent years, when they have expanded, have expanded almost exclusively through recruiting adherents who are frustrated with their opposition, and this is routinely accomplished through the use of legions of scientific propagandists who torture the facts into unrecognizably surreal parodies of truth, often overlooking the real practical failures of their opponents. Now, I'm not saying that we have reached the Weimar Republic level of political dysfunction in America in 2010, but we can't afford to slip much farther and have any hope of addressing the very real and very dangerous chickens that are, at this very moment, on their way home to roost.

But that's not what's grinding my gears right now. So, 18 to 29 year-olds are losing their enthusiasm for the Democrats?! Well gosh, Obama has had all of about 15 minutes to try and repair the damage of 28 years of Reagan-Bush-Clinton-Bush with the political equivalent of a rabid howler monkey hanging on his back, and God knows the considerably less competent Congress never gets finished wiping off the sweat of election night anxiety. How could anybody expect anything to be getting done? The Democrats are afraid of the shadow of their own farts and now the hip youngsters are going to frighten them into catatonia by getting distracted by something shiny and wandering off. This is what X-Box and I-Phone have done to this country; if you can't fix it, beat it, find it or understand it in 10 seconds, go on to something else. Having been an 18 to 29 year old myself at one point, I retain a certain visceral understanding of the fierce urgency of now, but now that I am a semi-centenarian I can also appreciate that patience truly is a virtue, and whether you are a totalitarian or an anarchist, you pretty much have to admit that implementing any program of sustainable change requires persistence. Clichés are, well, clichés, but Rome was NOT built in a day, and we didn't get into this mess overnight and we will not get out of it overnight.

The political analysis is not that younger voters are flocking to the Republican banner; in fact, the Republican Party remains about as popular as anal fissures with anyone with an IQ over 65, but because the basic Republican supporter tends to be more obsessive/compulsive than the average Democrat, they are far more likely to consistently vote, and vote consistently. So the Democratic Party has to attempt to continually fan the flames of liberal outrage to hang on to power, while all the Republicans have to do is hunker down and chant their nonsensical mantras while waiting for the Democrats to collapse under the weight of their big tent. Soulless geniuses like Lee Atwater and Karl Rove have understood this for decades now, but somehow the Democratic leadership still can't find their ass with two flashlights, GPS and a bloodhound. The emergent phenomenon of the "independent" voter confirms this, but voter independence is generally just another expression of voter shame; I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat, but I am so ashamed of the lack of courageous and principled leadership in the party that now I'm an Independent. I'm sure that there are many Independents who are also simply Republicans who are ashamed of the illiteracy, bigotry and poor dental hygiene of their party leadership.

It is entirely possible that the Two-Party System which served America so well for so many years is now simply not up to the task of meeting the demands of a rapidly-changing and chaotically complex nation. In the zero-sum, politically bi-polar world of the American electoral Cold War, there is no room for heterodoxy or compromise, which means there is no room for intellectual independence, apolitical innovation or, apparently, simple courtesy. Richard Nixon's silent majority, while not the people he thought they were, really do exist, and they are the great force of moderation which has kept the two parties within the narrow confines of the parallel wagon-wheel ruts in the trail to America's manifest destiny, but we are passing out of the age of two-dimensional political topology and our nation's future course can no longer be adequately defined by terms like "liberal" and "conservative". Those constructs were reactions to a world that no longer exists and can never be reclaimed. A principled life remains the pinnacle human ideal, but dogma is a fatal liability; we are down the rabbit-hole and shit will be getting increasingly freaky from here on.

A wise man once said that the great thing about getting old is that you have less time to suffer the consequences of your mistakes. This ironically implies that caution should be a characteristic of the young, which a visit to any school, shopping mall or jail will demonstrate not to be the case. America's youth, as they toss sleeplessly in fear of diminishing job security and burgeoning national debt, must understand that political frustration cannot be addressed in the same manner they change cellular services or sexual partners; the political process cannot be abandoned or ignored; it must be reformed and refined through consistent and determined participation. There is no freedom without responsibility and there is no success without effort; these inconvenient facts have eventually beaten a modicum of wisdom into even the most hardened cranium throughout our history. So my advice to the whiny, fickle children who aspire to rule the world is quit crying and dedicate yourself to upholding the principles of our republic and drag this damn country kicking and screaming towards the promise of your birthright; otherwise, in 25 years you will be like me and so many of my contemporaries, surveying the smoldering ruin of youthful dreams and wondering what the fuck happened.

The Infield Gadfly Rule

2010-03-08T13:44:00.001-08:00

Jim Bunning pitched a perfect game against the New York Mets on June 21, 1964. He struck out Jim Hickman, the leadoff batter, three times. Hickman, a lifetime .252 hitter, was the first Met to hit for the cycle, and later had a few good years with the Cubs, but on that June day in 1964, he was a picture of futility. Jim Bunning, it should be noted, went on to amass a total of 2,855 strikeouts and a career ERA of 3.27. He is one of only five pitchers to throw no-hitters in both leagues and he was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1996. So far, so good.

After retirement from baseball, Bunning pursued a second career in politics and was elected to serve as the Representative from Kentucky's 4^th District in 1986. He was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1998 at the age of 67. At 67, if they can afford it, most people are thinking about slowing down and enjoying the years they have left without the pressure of deadlines or shirts with collars. By 77, many people cannot remember who played in the Super Bowl last year and a statistically significant percentage cannot remember why they are standing in the backyard at 3:00 in the morning in their underwear holding a turkey baster and a Bible. Senator Bunning is now 78 years old, which by itself does not disqualify him as an intelligent, rational person, but there is a reason that the DMV makes people over 70 come in for an actual driving test.

So recently, Senator Bunning came to the attention of the national media by virtue of his opposition to a $10 billion spending bill which would have, among other things, granted further extension of unemployment benefits to those Americans whose payments were about to expire. Senator Bunning filibustered the bill, ostensibly because it would have to be funded through borrowing. Senator Bunning has nine children (which, for purposes of full disclosure, I must confess I believe to be a criminal act of disregard for the biosphere) and 40 grandchildren, and he doesn't want them to be burdened with paying the mountain of national debt we are continually accumulating, which doesn't sound terribly monstrous as far as reasons for filibusters go. The filibuster, by the way, an interestingly idiosyncratic feature of the U.S. Senate, is apparently intended to allow a significant minority to prevent a modest majority from doing anything. Given the legislation the Senate tends to pass, this is probably not as ridiculous as it might at first seem, but what is interesting about Senator Bunning's use of the filibuster in this instance is, as Sherlock Holmes puts it, "the dog that didn't bark".

Senator Bunning has voted to approve a veritable cornucopia of spending bills in his career in the House and the Senate, although, in fairness, he has probably voted against a few as well, but I am not familiar with him being a consistent crusader against the Federal Government borrowing money. He has supported borrowing fantastical amounts of money to fund wars and things to be used in wars and he has never filibustered a bill reducing taxes because there was no associated reduction in government spending, so a reasonable person could conjecture as to why this particular bill was the one upon which Senator Bunning chose to take a stand. Senator Bunning is known to say things publically which a lot of people find offensive, often including members of his own party. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, there tends to be a relatively consistent theme of nativism and xenophobia to much of the Senator's public musing and one gets the impression he was much more comfortable with the America that existed back in his glory days with the Phillies. Maybe Senator Bunning agrees with his fellow traveler and intellectual luminary Tom Delay (currently awaiting trial on money laundering charges in Texas) that unemployment benefits just make people enjoy being unemployed, or perhaps the Senator has just never been unemployed and doesn't have a frame of reference for the issue, or maybe he thinks it is not the province of government to protect citizens from destitution during times of economic peril; who knows.

Anyway, whether you support or oppose Senator Bunning's position on the recent spending bill, the issue of our nation's profligate spending and incomprehensibly gargantuan debt is real and critical. We currently are in the position of contemplating a lit fuse while sitting astride an explosive heap of financial liability that will surely blast America back to 1929, if not a few thousand years farther, and our elected representatives do nothing but bicker incessantly over changes that only modestly address a small percentage of the real problems. Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neal are the principle architects of this idiotic system, may they both languish in hell, as they forged a pact with the Devil to fund an unprecedented projection of American military power throughout the world at the same time they expanded the social safety net to encompass broader and broader segments of society and gave tax breaks to everyone who could possibly influence a minimum of 76 votes in any election. They did succeed in frightening the Soviet Union so badly that it peed its pants and had to quit the game, and they did spend America out of what was at the time the most severe recession since the 1930's, but they established the pattern of denying the day of reckoning and making it easy on the voters by relieving them of the responsibility of choosing between conflicting priorities, thereby guaranteeing future failures, like the fine kettle of fish we are in now.

Of course, as always, the fault, Dear Brutus, is not in our dead heroes, but in ourselves. We are in charge now, and Senator Bunning's non sequitur filibuster ad hoc assault on the unemployed victims of failed government regulation and Wall Street's orgy of greed is not the answer. Neither is endless war, tax cuts for the super rich, welfare for the banks, nor the vague, unarticulated sense that government is supposed to protect us from all ill fortune from the cradle to the grave. Personally, I would prefer my tax dollars go to feeding poor children, repairing national infrastructure, educating citizens of all ages, basic scientific research, space exploration and environmental preservation, but I am willing to consider supporting any reasonable compromise that allows America to have a continued positive role in world affairs, preserves the dignity of human life in our country and ensures that my toilet keeps flushing. I will work with the Tea Party Party, the Republican Party, the Democratic Party, party apparatchiks and even that disgusting bastard Joe Lieberman to find a solution, but hypocrisy and delusion have to be off the table. We are not going to hate and blame our way out of the consequences of our own selfishness and irresponsibility. Senator Bunning can huff and puff all he wants, but intermittently tilting at unassailable windmills is not a coherent program; we need some adults in charge in the nation's Capitol.

Thomas Jefferson was a complex fellow, although admittedly he didn't live in the same world we inhabit now, but I surmise he was a pretty bright dude, and perhaps, of all the Founding Fathers, he was the closest to the voice of modern America that emerges when we allow ourselves a moment of quiet reflection with the TV turned off. Jefferson said that "the public revenues are a portion that each subject gives of his property in order to secure or enjoy the remainder. To fix their revenues in a proper manner, regard should be had both to the necessities of the state and to those of the subject. The real wants of the people ought never to give way to the imaginary wants of the state". I don't think that the real wants of the people have been addressed in this nation for quite some time, perhaps because we have allowed ourselves to lose focus, to be ruled by temporary emotion, or maybe because we are cynical or apathetic, or both, but I don't think this country wants war, racism, high infant mortality, and crappy sewer lines. We do want people to mind their own damn business, we want a sense of security for ourselves and optimism for the prospects of our children, clean drinking water and polite public discourse, and yes, extended unemployment benefits, because we care about our friends, families and fellow citizens. We also want to get out of hock to the Chinese and have a few dollars put away for a rainy day, and I think we are willing to drive smaller cars, open a savings account (at the credit union), recycle, tear up the charge cards and eat more meals at home while listening to our families drone on and on around the dinner table if that's what it takes to set things right. We just have to find some way to choose new leadership without legitimizing extremism and inviting recrimination, and I'll wager there will be a lot of hurt feelings before it's over. The people of Kentucky can certainly start by sending Senator Bunning to the showers and bringing in a closer. The self-righteous hypocrite pitch is often ineffective in these late innings.

Bubble, Bubble Toil and Trouble

2010-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

It was an age of ignorance and superstition, and misfortunes and occurrences that people didn’t understand were attributed to demons and spirits. Political and religious leaders pandered to these irrational fears and other equally cynical and manipulative people took advantage of the widespread ignorance by inciting hysteria and denouncing their personal enemies. The weak, the foolish and those who were simply “different” were victims of emotional and physical abuse, and even murder at the hands of the authorities. When, you ask? Where, you inquire? I know your first guess would be Texas in 2009, but actually I am referring to Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay Colony in 1692. The future bastion of American Liberalism was going on a witch hunt.

On March 1st, exactly 318 years ago today, Sarah Goode, Sarah Osborne, and Tituba, an Indian slave from Barbados, were charged with practicing witchcraft. Not surprisingly, accounts from the time indicate Sarah Goode was more or less homeless and supported herself by begging, an unpopular career choice amongst the Puritans. Sarah Osborne was a single woman who didn’t go to church and had an “inappropriate” relationship with her indentured servant and Tibuta was, well, Tibuta. If a bunch of stuffy white folks are going to find fault with somebody, and your name is Tibuta, you are at the top of the list. Tibuta was an Indian slave from Barbados, so she probably didn’t find the witchcraft hysteria too strange.

Ultimately, almost 150 people were brought before the Court of Oyer and Terminer, which are apparently 17th Century terms for kangaroo, and some other equally competent courts. Testimony consisted principally of “bewitched” adolescent females appearing before the court and recounting having fits and hallucinations, or actually having fits and hallucinations, which is pretty convenient as far as eye-witness testimony goes. During these episodes the “victims” claim to have seen images of those that had afflicted them; this was termed “spectral evidence”. If you are black in America, you may be familiar with this legal concept. Fortunately, clear-headed people were involved in the process and so there was much important debate as to whether the Devil might actually try to trick someone (heaven forbid!) by showing them the wrong person during their afflicted state. Eventually the astute legal minds concluded that using one’s image without permission would be some sort of copyright infringement, and the Devil certainly wouldn’t stoop to that. Other key evidence included the accused being blindfolded and brought into contact with a group of alleged victims. If any of the victims reacted hysterically when touched, then the accused was certainly guilty. There was also the “witch cake”, which made as much sense as Deepak Chopra does now, and therefore will not be discussed. Needless to say, some pretty high evidentiary standards were used, which is certainly reasonable given that these were capital crimes.

On June 10, 1692, Bridget Bishop, a sixty-something widow, was hanged, the first of the 19 people to lose their lives for their various evil activities. While Bridget Bishop’s life is not well documented, her indignant attitude during her trial was, and this counted heavily against her, since it wasn’t proper for women to be indignant. Also, she bewitched John Bly’s pig following an altercation, so I guess she deserved what she got. Five more women were hanged on June 19, and on August 19, five more persons were hanged, four of them male. Most of the males were primarily guilty of defending the honor of their wives, daughters or other relatives and were, therefore, in league with the witches. All in all, fourteen women and five men were executed, 18 by hanging and one by being crushed with rocks. In October of 1682, the Governor of the Massachusetts Colony dissolved the Court of Oyer and Terminer and replaced it with a court that actually utilized something reminiscent of proper legal process. There were no further executions and all of the accused still in custody were either pardoned or released without trial.

Having been bewitched myself a few times, I can empathize with my distant cousins in Salem Village. Sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be any reason for stuff, and somebody’s got to be responsible, right? There are a number of theories about how the train got off the tracks in Salem, including poisoning by the ergot fungus, which is a fungus that infests grains and may turn up in bread. The ergot fungus has elements with a similar chemical composition to LSD, which will surely make you see bewitched pigs, among other assorted peculiar animals, but most analysts blame the debilitating mix of colonial hardship, extreme religious dogma and sexual repression in the Puritan social order for adolescent female hysteria, adult male frustration and a generally crappy attitude on the part of the majority of the community. Sounds reasonable to me.

Anyway, we have made some progress since 1692. For the most part, women are no longer expected to be subservient to men, although true gender equity still eludes us to some extent. The sexual nature of the human female is by most no longer seen as a thing to fear (although frankly some other aspects of the female character still frighten the shit out me). Religious extremism is no longer nearly as popular as it used to be and even demons and spirits have largely been reduced to marginality, except perhaps in Texas. The court system, as over-burdened and dysfunctional as it can be, at least tries to implement some standard rational process and protect the rights of the accused and religious authorities no longer participate directly in the justice system. So, I’m not sure to what extent we can indentify valid parallels between the society that made the Salem witch trials possible and our own, but I can’t help but feel that, as Bridget Bishop stood exhausted and terrified on the gallows and looked out over the crowd assembled to be entertained by her violent dangling, she saw the same faces, blank or enraged, spiteful or ashamed, curious or excited that we might see in any crowd on any street in America today.

Taxes and Death

2010-02-25T10:37:00.001-08:00

For those of you who may want a slight chill with your daily edification, I suggest visiting the Smoking Gun website (www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0218102stack1.html) to read the six page rant of that guy (who shall hereinafter be disrespectfully referred to as "The Ass") who flew his plane into the building in Austin, Texas with the IRS office in it. The Ass' selfless act of patriotism resulted in his death and the death of one Vernon Hunter, a Vietnam veteran with two decades of service in the American Army and a father of six, who also happened to be employed by the IRS. Let me say that none of this is the least bit humorous to any sane person and my sarcasm is intended to be biting, but there are more than a few laughable ironies in the Ass' disjointed, irrational, whiney, self-pitying, polemical diatribe against the inconveniences of modern life.

I hardly know where to begin with a critique of the Ass' attempt to justify cold-blooded murder, but for the most part it is a lamentation on the fact that the big fish eat the little fish and that ignorance of the law is no excuse. This is hardly news to us little fish, or first year law students, so it is difficult to see how the Ass is so surprised by it. The Ass seems to have an issue with the tax-exempt status of the Catholic Church, and rails against its corruption, which was my first clue that he might not have a complete set of cutlery, but let's be for real; nobody gives a rat's ass about the Catholic Church; even Catholics don't give a rat's ass about the Catholic Church. However, I am going to resist labeling the guy as a nut (which was my first impulse, over "Ass") because that smacks of patronizing Soviet era perversion of the mental health system to marginalize those who have the gall to disagree. Just because somebody has goofy ideas and believes in pixy dust doesn't mean they are crazy, and assigning the "crazy" label to them often just serves to excuse the inexcusable and allows their instigators and co-conspirators to distance themselves from their handy-work.

Reading between the lines and extrapolating from vague references, it appears that some years ago the Ass got involved in some sort of scam to avoid paying taxes and got bitch-slapped by the IRS. He refers to it "costing him $40,000 and 10 years of his life", so apparently the IRS didn't take very kindly to being trifled with. He later talks about his accountant being a retard and screwing up his taxes such that the IRS was again hounding him (it is interesting to note that he didn't kill the accountant). If you feel there is a consistent theme emerging, you are correct; the Ass was periodically not paying his taxes in a timely manner or in an adequate amount, so he got in a world of shit. Anybody that has ever had an issue with the IRS knows how disheartening that can be, but only a very small percentage of citizens with tax issues actually crash planes into IRS offices. The balance of the six pages is a recounting of personal business failures, criticism of government and the stupidity of the nation's citizens, references to divorce and remarriage, and hating on GM executives for "unthinkable atrocities". I am of the opinion that GM executives have clearly manufactured some unthinkable atrocities over the years, for example, the Pontiac Starfire, but I'm not sure that is essentially a moral issue.

The Ass goes on to conclude that "violence is the only answer", although he really never defines the question. If violence is the only answer to bureaucratic inefficiency and divergent opinions in a pluralistic society, then we are in a real mess. If violence is the only answer to alienation and frustration resulting from rapid social change, then we are completely screwed. If violence is the only answer to not being able to tell the difference between maintenance of social order and totalitarian oppression, then let the chaos begin. I don't imagine there are many people who enjoy paying taxes and I have grave reservations about what the government does with a lot of the money I am compelled to give them, but the Ass' research into the philosophical foundation of our republic apparently didn't include the concept of the social contract or the preamble to the Constitution. We probably do need more equity in our tax structure and we certainly need to get our national spending under control, but killing Vernon Hunter is not likely to achieve either.

I have seen some reports of various political figures who say "we, of course, condemn the violence, but we empathize with the plight of the Ass." Should we empathize with intellectual mediocrity and border-line personality disorder? Should we identify with not knowing when to admit you've made a mistake? Should we validate a self-pitying sense of entitlement to positive outcomes? These are all conditions that cause me to whack my children in the side of the head when observed; I can hardly endorse them in the general public. Actually, the Ass' manifesto reads just like my 17 year-old trying to explain how he had time to sneak out, take the car without permission, and visit his girlfriend until two in the morning, but he couldn't find the time to complete his project for history class. Why would any responsible person say anything other than that the Ass is a complete bozo and his tortured self-justification has no merit in a civilized society? Why indeed.

In America, attitudes about the relationship between citizens and their government are ambivalent at best. This nation was conceived of frustration and delivered through violence, and suspicion of authority is just as strong now as it was in King George's day. We want to secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, but we have a hard time accepting the social obligation necessary to achieve the objective. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, when responsibility is abandoned with the aim of increased freedom, a nation shall have neither. This is not 1776; we have a system which many have given their lives for which allows us to accept responsibility for ourselves and control the governance of our nation. The system is not broken; we are, and self-righteousness, impatience and murder don't make you a hero, they just make you an Ass.

Please Leave A Message After the Beep

2010-02-22T15:38:00.000-08:00

I just read an article in the current edition of “The Skeptic” magazine, a fine publication for those who actually like to consider the facts before making absurd declarations, or perhaps even for those who actually use facts to avoid making absurd declarations. This particular article discussed a proposal associated with the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence program (SETI) to send high energy laser pulses out into space as a message to any technological civilizations which might be watching. I would like to keep the story straight (why start now, you ask?), but I don’t have the article in front of me and cannot recall the author’s name; however, his basic theme was that we should give it a lot of thought before we actively seek to announce our presence to a galaxy potentially full of completely unknown creatures, civilizations and behavioral norms.

We have, of course, been leaking radio signals in a wide range of frequencies out into space for some time now. Mr. Marconi’s first signals should be reaching the orange giant Iota Cephei about right now, but radio waves diffuse quickly and may be indistinguishable from interstellar background noise at a distance, hence the laser idea. In December of 2008, an Australian astrophysicist observed a decidedly nonrandom pulse in the laser frequency range emanating from the night sky, and he and others have been scanning the same area of space almost nightly since. While it is not possible to say what exactly the signal was, astronomers believe communicating by laser over the vast distances between stars makes more sense than radio waves because of the coherence of the beam and ease in distinguishing it from background noise. The real question is, does it make sense for us to attempt to attract the attention of our galactic neighbors?

For those of us who grew up on Star Trek, Star Wars and the Outer Limits, we are pretty much used to the anthropomorphic intelligent alien that displays the standard range of human failures like greed, alcoholism and offensive body odor. We tend to create our aliens as we create our gods, in our own image. Some are loving and merciful; some are jealous and destructive, but for the most part they have practical limitations in their technology, resources and ambition, just like us. Occasionally we conjure up the more indecipherable extraterrestrial, such as Arthur C. Clarke’s monolith wielding phantoms who rescue the emotionally fragile HAL from certain doom, but these aliens are not generally useful metaphors for human self-analysis and there is not much box-office appeal in the Godzilla vs. Bambi scenario of infinitely scientifically superior alien civilizations. We prefer to imagine hard drinking Klingons or, at worst, creepy scorpion-lizard things lurking in the Nostromo’s bowels. The problem is, since we are the only example of a technological civilization that we have, there is no basis upon which to extrapolate probability with respect to what intelligent aliens would be all about.

So, is it really smart to broadcast our social security number and mother’s maiden name out into the cosmic void? How do we know that the sentient beings potentially listening are nice people? What if they want to eat us? Most people that speculate about these things have speculated that civilizations advanced enough to engage in interstellar communication will probably be trustworthy, but we humans are currently contemplating interstellar communication and I wouldn’t trust the human race any farther than I could throw Jupiter, especially not under the stress of contact with intelligent extraterrestrials. Many respectable persons have further speculated that an alien race capable of physical contact with us, whether in person or through their mechanical representatives, would have to be so advanced that their moral refinement would be assured. While this sounds like a truly lovely sentiment, there is no empirical way to test such an assumption other than phoning E.T.’s home and waiting for an answer, and then you’re committed. Evolution by natural selection implies a certain cruel logic and the citizens of any technological civilization orbiting some distant star would most certainly be descendents of creatures with sharp teeth, as are we.

Another point of view, which I find ironically comforting, is that any civilization advanced enough to contact us (i.e. visit us, enslave us, blow us up, etc.) would find us completely useless and uninteresting and would therefore not bother to pick up the phone. Some speculate that any aliens capable of spanning the unfathomable distances between stars have probably already scouted us out and moved on to something more worthwhile. Others suggest that we are all by our lonesome in God’s infinite creation, or at least that life is so rare and the Universe is so huge that there is little to no probability that any spacemen will find us, or that we will find them, within the probable life of human civilization. Any, or even most, of these things could be true. We don’t know, but it could also be true that the Borg have already picked up the signal and the invasion fleet is on the way.

A lot of people will probably find this whole discussion to be pointless; why would we be worrying about aliens when the world’s environment and economy are shot to hell? Many likely think SETI is a waste of taxpayer money, which it certainly is not, if only because it is completely privately funded, but no doubt the question of alien contact is not currently a priority to the average person. However, whether or not we should attempt to signal alien civilizations is to me a very important question, not as a specific debate about the potential risks or rewards of such a course of action, but because of what it says about how we see ourselves and our position in the cosmological order. If the truth be told, the average American would probably say that we are ready to take our rightful place in the galactic community and, with a little technological assistance from the Vulcans, we will quickly be up to speed on promoting truth and justice amongst the stars. I don’t know what the average Cambodian would think, but in general humanity could probably do with a humbling experience beyond the failure of global financial institutions. I am in favor of blasting the laser signal throughout the heavens in the hope that some polite and well dressed aliens will stop by and inform us of what a third-world hell-hole Earth is, with rampant disease, pervasive poverty and a truly staggering level of mindless violence, and when we inquire as to the solution to these problems they will say “quit being assholes” and fly away. It could happen.

Black and White, Sort Of

2010-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

You may not believe it, but sometimes things just don’t make much sense. For example, in my on-going search for arcane and trivial information about our arcane and trivial world, I came across a reference to a report published by the Red Cross entitled “Through Albino Eyes - The plight of albino people in Africa’s Great Lakes region and a Red Cross response.” (http://www.ifrc.org/docs/pubs/discrimination/AlbinoPDF4.pdf). This informative 13 page report full of glossy pictures and a lovely map basically informs us that the albinos of Burundi and Tanzania are being murdered for their body parts. What is just a touch weird is that their kidneys are not being stolen for rich Africans on dialysis and the perpetrators are not brain-hungry zombies, but rather the albinos are victims of freelance ghouls who supply an occult demand for the supposedly magical pieces of albinos. The report says that the albino body parts are thought by some to bring wealth and luck. This seems somewhat counter-intuitive to me, since the previous owner of the parts didn’t experience a positive outcome, but who am I to argue with the wisdom of ignorance.

Albinism is a genetic condition resulting from the body’s failure to produce an enzyme necessary to the production of the pigment melanin. It affects all vertebrates to some extent and is generally characterized by its sufferers looking a little pink. In humans, albinism is associated with increased risk of sun damage to skin and the advent of skin cancer, as well as increased sensitivity to light and various vision problems. Albinism is not known to be related to other health concerns, unless you happen to live in Tanzania, but looking sort of like a weird, pinkish vampire thing must present a host of social challenges. About one in 17,000 people has some form of albinism.

Albinism is statistically no more pronounced in Burundi and Tanzania than elsewhere and there is no previous tradition of albinos being dismembered for lucky charms, but for some unknown reason (according to the report) the demand for the body parts of albinos has recently exploded. The Red Cross speculates that this is the result of a sophisticated marketing campaign by witch doctors in the region, launched in response to difficult economic times. The basic strategy, which we have seen with things like Crocs, Hello Kitty and vanity surgery, is to convince you that you cannot live without something useless and often repulsive. Apparently Exxon and the Hair Club for Men have nothing on our brothers in the rural paradise of Central Africa when it comes to amoral profit mongering. The report states that “a complete set of albino body parts, including all four limbs, genitals, ears, tongue and nose” goes for about $75,000. It would seem that anybody than can afford to spring for the full Monty in a country where the annual per capita Gross Domestic Product is $1400.00 probably doesn’t need a good luck charm, but hey, some people are greedy.

The result of this recent uptick in the albino parts market is, of course, a modicum of unease on the part of the region’s albinos. Let’s face it; if you are an albino in Equatorial Africa, it is probably a difficult proposition to go unnoticed. It should also be noted that there is a very good reason that most of Africa’s denizens are dark-skinned and albinos in Burundi and Tanzania already have a tough row to hoe between the unforgiving sun and looking somewhat less than standard, so being hunted for your body parts adds considerable insult to injury. Many of the region’s albinos are in hiding; many have been abandoned by their families due to the security risk they pose and many are wards of the region’s charitable organizations. The albinos in Burundi and Tanzania already often die in early adulthood due to skin cancer, and they experience reduced educational and employment opportunities because of vision issues, so murder and dismemberment is just another step along the happy trail to heaven.

I’m not really sure what we can do about all this; certainly giving the Red Cross some money would be a good start, but the world is so full of misery I often despair about correcting any of it. Following in Pope Kiril’s footsteps, I could liquidate all my worldly holdings and perhaps make some brief improvement in the lives of a few, but my wife and children would probably take exception and only about 37 percent of it would eventually reach the intended target, not to mention that I am likely already too addicted to comfort to give it up, no matter how superficially dismayed I am at the plight of the albinos. There is, however, one relatively painless course of action which may be of benefit, at least in the long run. Let’s all just decide to quit believing in witches and ghosts and lucky talismans and salvation by grace and virgins in paradise and psychic detectives and the myriad other idiocies which confuse the weak-minded and comfort the charlatan. Let’s just put aside childish fantasy and be adults and leave the damned creepy looking albinos alone.

Baiji Doesn't Live Here Anymore

2010-02-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

If you think it’s tough to find a meaningful relationship these days, consider poor Lipotes vexillifer, commonly known as the Yangtze River Dolphin, or Baiji. Perhaps “commonly known” is not the best way to put it since Lipotes vexillifer is functionally extinct. Functionally extinct is like in one of those science fiction stories when the sun is about to go nova and all life is going to be obliterated and there’s nothing anybody can do about it, but everybody is still standing around reflecting on the irony of humanity while trying to make amends for past transgressions and wishing they had followed their dreams instead of going into corporate accounting, except that there are only a precious few Yangtze River Dolphins remaining and they probably don’t find much irony in humanity. Actually there has been no confirmed sighting of the Baiji since 2007, so they may already be history, but whether there remains one or one-hundred; the sun has clearly set, if not exploded, on their twenty million year reign.

Dolphins are generally considered to be among the biosphere’s more intelligent citizens, but these particular dolphins had the fatally poor judgment to take up residence in the largest river in China. In defense of the Baiji’s wisdom, there was no China, and no humans, twenty million years ago, but, currently, almost one-eighth of the world’s population resides within the Yangtze River’s watershed. Of course, there is no way the Baiji could have anticipated this horrifying turn of events, but all this time evolving in the formerly pristine, fresh waters of the Yangtze has made it impossible for the Baiji to retreat to the relative safety of the ocean; hence, hasta la vista. Wikipedia says that “a traditional Chinese story describes the Baiji as the reincarnation of a princess who had been drowned by her family after refusing to marry a man she did not love”, but it will ultimately prove to be more a case of being drowned in a fishing net by men who were in love with themselves.

Yangtze River Dolphins typically only birth one calf, usually every other year, so you cannot say they reproduce prolifically. With a life span in the wild of around 24 years, the female Baiji reaches sexual maturity at about six years, so if she lives a normal life span and hooks up regularly, she will birth around nine children (compare this to about 850 for a rat and about 2.5 for a human). Unfortunately the attrition rate from the aforementioned fishing nets and the habitat destruction and prey eradication caused by pollution, dredging and damns, and the increasingly hazardous boat traffic and noise pollution which renders the dolphin’s sonar useless, have outpaced the Baiji’s ability to reproduce and resulted in the irreversible decline of the species. It appears that the Yangtze River Dolphin, like all other dolphins, spends its life mostly swimming around and eating fish. It often cooperates with others of its kind to hunt and it spends an inordinate amount of time just goofing off; it is clearly capable of complex communication and learning, but we humans do not really know the extent to which there is a transmitted dolphin “culture” or whether dolphins are truly self-aware in the same neurotic way humans are, so we don’t know if they know they are alone and doomed and that we have made them so.

I’m not going to bash our fine Chinese friends about all this; after all, they have blessed us with the Cultural Revolution and forced sterilization, and virtually every piece of consumer electronics we have bought in the past decade, but I do wonder why the world’s aspiring powers tend to only imitate the bad parts of the American character. The ironically named People’s Republic has largely abandoned socialism for predatory capitalism replete with industrial pollution and exploitation of the proletariat without so much as lip service to freedom of conscience, or even the practical, egalitarian wisdom of Confucius. The loss of the Yangtze River Dolphin is just another material input into the Long March to Chinese economic hegemony and the transformation of the Chinese people into almond-eyed clones of their obese, self-indulgent and obtuse American role models. Maybe it wasn’t habitat destruction after all; maybe the Baiji just died of shame.

Sarah Palin is Not Black

2010-02-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

Daily KOS Research 2000 recently published the results of a national poll of 2000 “self-identified Republican voters”. Forty-two percent of the respondents resided in the “South”, wherever that is, and 11 percent call the “Northeast” home. Daily KOS probably has no relationship to the Daily Show and the KOS webpage says they are an “online political community”, but most of their contributors are identified as “progressive”, which means either that they are more likely to favor Democrats or that whatever is wrong with them is getting worse. I am certainly progressive in both respects and hold no grudge against Daily KOS, but in fairness you have to consider the source of any information you use to bash Republicans.

Thirty-nine percent of the poll respondents indicated that they thought President Obama should be impeached. Twenty-nine percent were not sure and the remainder said “not yet” or something similar. This means that 68 percent of the respondents believe President Obama is black, I guess. Why 68 percent of the Republicans polled would suggest the President may be guilty of “high crimes or misdemeanors” is not immediately obvious, but one theory is that president Obama has failed to properly distance himself from the policies of his predecessor in office. The whole idea that impeachment should be used as a political strategy seems to be contrary to the concept of divided government and checks and balances and the 39 nine percent of Republicans favoring impeachment may not even know what the word means, but I think it says a lot about how our Republican friends view the use of political power.

Thirty-two percent of respondents indicate that they do not believe that the President was born in the United States and 22 percent are “not sure”. I would attribute this primarily to respondents failing fourth-grade geography, or perhaps the fact that the President is black. To date, there has been absolutely no evidence of any kind to indicate that Barrack Obama was born anywhere other than Hawaii and all attempts to document the falsehood have been revealed as erroneous or fraudulent. Of course, the President is very articulate and generally quite reasonable, so it is not hard to understand how someone might feel he wasn’t from around here.

The poll found that 31 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is “a racist who hates white people”, while 33 percent were “not sure” about this statement. Perhaps he just hates Republicans and said Republicans have confused themselves with all white people since all Republicans are white people. On the other hand, the President does not appear to be mustering hate for much of anything these days and he acts more like Professor Peabody than Sister Souljah. Being a white person, I am relatively certain that the President doesn’t hate me and he was probably fond of his mother, and grandmother, and his various other genetic relations who happen to meet the definition of white. Of course, logic means little to ignorant and angry people.

Sixty-three percent of respondents believe President Obama is a “socialist”. That’s probably why the President is so reluctant to throw money at Wall Street or why he has done so much to make banks accountable or why he has chosen the little guy over the corporations in healthcare reform efforts. Socialist? Really? If Barrack Obama is a socialist, I’m a female, Lithuanian midget with orange hair and seven toes on my right foot. Of course, the President is black…

Twenty-four percent of persons responding to the poll said the President “wants the terrorist to win”. I’m not sure what the terrorist want, so I don’t know what winning would look like to a terrorist, but if winning means religious authorities taking control of the government and forcing the people of a nation to adhere to the moral standards that those authorities impose, then President Obama probably doesn’t want the terrorists to win, but Pat Robertson and John Ensign probably do. If the terrorists winning means American soldiers coming home from foreign shitholes and America’s blood and money no longer being wasted killing Arabs and other assorted brown-skinned persons who have done little other than share a religion with a bunch of homicidal douche-bags, then I want the terrorists to win. Did I mention the President is black?

The poll goes on to reveal other important and informative facts about Republican attitudes, including that 23 percent of those polled felt their state should “secede from the union” and 76 percent believe or are not sure if “ACORN stole the 2008 Presidential election”. The Force is strong in that ACORN, they will bear watching. I started this self-indulgent rant of a blog 82 posts ago saying the collective IQ of the country would go up if Texas left, so if South Carolina and Mississippi want to go with them, all the better. If you don’t accept the principles of free thought and speech and the rule of law is less important to you than the rule of your own deranged opinion, then you probably do need to go found your own racist, voodoo theocracy where honest, hard-working people can be abused by lunatics and objective truth doesn’t matter; or just move to my home state, Georgia, way down south in Dixie.

Naturally, I saved the most instructive bit of wisdom for last. The poll indicates that 53 percent of respondents believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be President than the President. I have often commented on my puzzlement over the political viability of the former Governor of Alaska, pointing out her intellectual mediocrity, her self-promoting hypocrisy, her factual ignorance and her shape-shifting, politically adaptive principles. None of this seems to matter to large numbers of Republicans who would apparently rather see America led by the Moose Lady of Wasilla than the hated crypto-Muslim, foreign born, racist, socialist, terrorist loving Obama. And, oh, Sarah Palin’s not black.

The Silence of the Lambs

2010-01-27T08:46:00.001-08:00

The United States Supreme Court recently, by its ubiquitous 5-4 vote, struck down a provision of federal election law that forbids corporations and unions from spending their gains, ill-gotten or otherwise, to support or oppose candidates for federal office. Apparently the majority of the Justices felt that Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson would have wanted business interests to have unlimited influence on the electoral process in America. I don't even think that Alexander Hamilton, poor shot that he was, would support that conclusion. I must confess to not having read the text of the Court's reasoning on the matter, and probably won't, since it would likely either dangerously elevate my blood pressure or put me in a coma, or both, so I may not know what I am talking about. On the other hand, the Supreme Court has not recently impressed me with either their legal acumen or philosophical wisdom.

I'm not going to bore us by generating a primer on the legal concept of "corporate personhood", but it certainly makes sense to provide that commercial entities be able to acquire and hold property, enter into contracts and obtain licenses and permits. It also certainly makes good sense for there to be a protection of commercial speech such that goods and services can be made known to potential consumers, but affording the same right of political speech to amorphous and malleable commercial phantoms as are enjoyed by real living and breathing human-beings is a bit troubling to me. If you are a two-legged Homo Sapien (or, pardon my insensitivity, an amputee) and you engage in inflammatory or abusive political rhetoric, I can punch you in the nose and know full well I got the right guy. You may return the punch or have me arrested, but that's freedom. On the other hand, if a corporation talks nonsense, all I can do is throw a stale cabbage at their local sales representative, who may not even agree with the corporate position. The lack of personal accountability attendant to corporate persons makes them poor candidates to pervasively broadcast their corporate opinions with the massive resources available to them. Freedom without responsibility is a teenager, and we all know how that works.

Corporations are extremely diverse and have a broad range of concerns and objectives, but for the most part, they want to make some money. I have no objection in principle to making money; I'd like to make some myself someday, but the economic benefit of a corporation and the public benefit of a nation may diverge dramatically. Even the most hardened capitalist would not suggest that corporations should control the government; that's called Fascism , unlike when citizens control the government, which is called democracy, or sometimes a cluster-fuck, or both. However, I am still way more inclined to trust the aggregate instincts of my fellow Americans, no matter how apathetic, ignorant, distracted or flatulent they may be, than the denizens of the corporate board room. I read an editorial on the issue, the source of which I have forgotten, which made the very interesting point, which I shall liberate for the use of the people, that we have (and I paraphrase) no idea what sort of madmen, perverts and foreigners may comprise the boards of the various corporations. While I am the last person to raise the paranoid specter of xenophobia, I am also not completely naive about the ways of the world and what people will do for money. With flesh and blood American citizens, however they come by said citizenship, we can at least start with the tenuous assumption that they want to promote the best interests of the nation, even if they may be too dim-witted or filled with the spirit to recognize what is best. Corporations are increasingly multi-national and have no allegiance to anything but their own self-interests. I'm not saying this is morally wrong, I'm just suggesting that Toyota of North America, Inc. may not support legislators who want to bail out Detroit. Whether that's good or bad depends on your point of view, but I really don't want corporations helping to decide who gets elected in this country.

Even if you're not prepared to accept my jingoistic and provincial scare-mongering over foreign influence, the corporate record on racial and gender equality, the environment, truth in advertising and generally responsible corporate citizenship is pretty crappy. The corporate board rooms that are not full of inscrutable Orientals or eastern European Mafioso are predominately the province of white, American males over 40. Being a white America male over 40, I can tell you how limited a perspective you can sometimes have. I'm not saying that these individuals are not entitled to an equal voice in the political life of America, but with corporate resources at their disposal the volume of their political speech is increased to where it runs the risk of drowning out us poor middle-class slobs with our $25.00 campaign contributions. Certainly this is not what Patrick Henry had in mind.

I am, after all, just a humble wormhole repairman and not a Constitutional scholar, but the Federal Government is given the power to regulate interstate commerce by Article I, Section 8, Clause 3. Article I, Section 18, Clause 18 gives the Congress the power to make laws that let them do all the stuff the Constitution says they have the power to do, so what am I missing? Corporations can't vote; they can't run for office or die on foreign battlefields. They don't have life, can't enjoy liberty or pursue happiness, and since we are their creator, they are endowed only with the rights we give them. The Libertarian author James Bovard is quoted as saying that "democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner". Thanks to the ineffable wisdom of our Supreme Court, you can now make that three wolves and a sheep.

Angels and Demons

2010-01-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

I will not likely be moving to Haiti any time soon. In addition to being unfashionably poor, the country lies upon the typical route for Atlantic hurricanes as they develop from the coast of Africa and move towards North America. Most hurricanes don’t decide whether to turn north and crash into Miami or stay the course and pummel Belize until they are in close proximity to Haiti, which means that Haiti gets hit by a lot of hurricanes. Hurricanes are not compatible with poverty and the poorly built structures usually blow away, wash away or simply disintegrate during storms such that the lower economic classes, which apparently comprise ninety-nine percent of Haiti’s population, are left with no roof and no return on their investment. In 2008 alone, hurricanes Fay, Gustav, Hannah and Ike all took a swipe at Haiti and over the years hurricanes Jeanne, Flora, Hazel, Gordon and Georges all ripped the country a new one. In addition to being in the wrong place, the people of Haiti have virtually deforested their homeland because they can’t afford oil or coal to heat and cook with, so there is nothing to stop the torrential rains from raging down the mountain sides and carrying the people and all their goats away.

However, as recent events have shown, there is an even greater persistent natural threat to the happiness of Haiti’s denizens. For those of you unfamiliar with Plate Tectonics, Wikipedia is a great source of education and you may want to check them out before reading further. Anyway, the island of Hispaniola (which includes the Dominican Republic and Haiti) and a number of other Caribbean islands sit upon the Caribbean Plate, which is sliding in an easterly direction. The Caribbean Plate is bordered on the north by the North American Plate and on the south by the South American Plate; both of these are sliding in a westerly direction. The North and South American plates grind against the Caribbean Plate and friction slows their movement and stores tremendous kinetic energy along the fault lines that divide them. Every so often the snag will release violently sending powerful shock waves through the region as the plates briefly lurch past each other. In other words, our planet is designed to periodically and unpredictably shake the shit out of Haiti and her neighbors. Combine this with poverty, poorly regulated construction and rural isolation and you often have unimaginably catastrophic results.

Haiti is principally populated by the descendants of African slaves brought to the island to labor on the sugar plantations. The previous inhabitants of the island of Hispaniola, the Arawak Indians, were a surly lot who were ultimately obliterated by smallpox and Catholicism. In the early 1500’s, the Spanish were the first to import unenthusiastic Africans to labor in the fields and dig for gold. In the 1600’s French pirates began to use the rugged western end of the island as a base of operations. Ultimately tobacco became more profitable than raping and pillaging and the pirate hideout evolved into a settlement which then began importing its own African slaves. Spain, which had nominal claim to the entire island, took a dim view of this usurpation of royal sovereignty and there was constant friction between the French and Spanish aims on the island. The Treaty of Ryswick, which ended the Nine-Years War, was signed in the Dutch Republic in September of 1697 and ceded the western third of the Island of Hispaniola to the French.

Saint-Domingue, as Haiti was originally named by the French, became a fabulously wealthy source of sugar, coffee and indigo and home to tens of thousands of French colonists and even more African slaves. The wealth of the colony was a result of its productivity and its productivity was the result of the ruthless efficiency with which it was run. Records indicate that one-third of all imported slaves would die within the firs t three years of their arrival, which probably reflects the view of the French colonists that African labor was an expendable, and easily replaceable, commodity. Not that the French were the only nation that lacked moral refinement, then or now, but a pretty crappy deal has generally characterized the whole Haitian experience from the get-go. When the French Revolution broke out, the revolutionary fever spread to Haiti, agitation for the universal rights of Man began and the slaves rose in rebellion. Efforts of the French revolutionary government to re-establish control were unsuccessful and the Jacobeans ultimately declared the abolition of slavery to attempt to pacify the colony. Napoleon was somewhat less accommodating and sent 20,000 soldiers to reassert French sovereignty, but most of them died from tropical diseases and Haiti formally declared its independence from France in 1801. In 1825, after over two decades of intermittent conflict and foreign intervention, Haiti’s independence was recognized.

It would be unfair to try and summarize the 185 years of history of Haiti’s existence as a sovereign nation in a few sentences, but the broad framework is persistent despotism, wholesale corruption, 32 violent coups (an average of one coup every 5.8 years), economic exploitation and routine foreign intervention. The United States, which has long had significance influence in Haitian affairs, occupied the country with military forces from 1915 to 1934. There is a large expatriate Haitian community in the U.S. and the United States is Haiti’s principle trading partner. The U.S. government also subsidizes the operations of the Haitian government to the tune of 100’s of millions of dollars each year, which is in addition to massive foreign aid from Canada, the European Union and other nations.

Why life in Haiti is, by our standards, so miserable is certainly the result of many things, including history, geography and the functioning of the world economy, and the Haitian people themselves cannot escape their share of the blame, but I doubt it has anything to do with voodoo and making a pact with the devil as the great 14th Century American statesman Pat Robertson has suggested. The idea that well-known Malthusians like Rush Limbaugh have once again trotted out that we should just let the Haitians die and thereby decrease the surplus population is also to my mind a little off base and smacks of tired old racism and imperialist self-justification. If we were truly a Christian nation we would not just text $10 to 90999, but we would open our hearts and our homes to our unfortunate brothers, which much to our credit many Americans have done. If we really took Christ’s teachings seriously, we would also quit believing that just because we are luckier than others that we are better than they are.

I am not aware of any polling data on the relative contentment of the Haitian people, and it is undoubtedly difficult to have any sense of security on two dollars a day while being beaten by unruly soldiers and lashed by tropical storm winds as the very ground beneath you bucks and heaves as if to toss you off, but, ironically, all reports are that the Haitians are generally friendly, optimistic and pleasantly disposed. When they extract a cousin who is barely clinging to life from the rubble after seven days, they thank God for the salvation instead of cursing Him for the other twenty relatives smashed flatter than the American GDP in the earthquake. Meanwhile, we here in the land of fabulous wealth and freedom hide in the basement in case someone who hates us tries to blow us up, and we lose countless nights of sleep worrying that our children will, for the first time in generations, have to make do with the same size television that we grew up with. Frankly, I don’t know who God has cursed more.

Good Morning, Dave

2010-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

A company in Lincoln Park, New Jersey is marketing what they have dubbed a “robot girlfriend”. The life-sized latex doll is presumably anatomically correct and is probably very enticing if room-temperature rubber is your thing. She comes complete with sexy lingerie and shoulder length brown hair, blue eyes and what appears to me to be a mortified expression on her face. The doll, named Roxxxy, has no moving parts and basically just lies there, which I guess, for some of us, would add to the realism. What makes this doll more than just an upscale inflatable lover is its computer driven interactive speech program and the sensors located at strategic points on the body which initiate verbal responses. For example, the manufacturer’s information says that if you touch the doll’s hand, it will respond with "I love holding hands with you"; unfortunately, the doll’s mouth does not move and the sound is generated by an internal speaker so the general effect is probably the same as might be accomplished by a ventriloquist with a corpse. One can only imagine what other verbal delights might be included for the $7,000 to $9,000 price. Stimulation of the appropriate area would perhaps elicit a throaty “I want your turgid man-pole in my groinal area”, or “oh baby lick the Tartar sauce off my clamshell”. I’m not sure where all the sensors are located, so it is possible that an individual’s anatomical area of interest might be nonresponsive, which would be just my luck, and I don’t know if the programming includes “ouch”, but the manufacturer claims the software can “receive updates over the Internet to expand the robot's capabilities and vocabulary”. That’s certainly more than you can say for the average girlfriend.

The inventor of this horrifyingly titillating play-toy, one Mr. Douglas Hines, says he was inspired to attempt to create “artificial personalities” following the death of a friend and that the sexual aspect of the doll is only a marketing tool that will allow him to fund his pursuit of the interactive technology that will ultimately create a real “companion”. He started out with the idea of creating a “home health care aide for the elderly”, but encountered too much “bureaucratic paperwork”. The bureaucrats probably thought the thing would scare somebody to death. I’m really not sure how something that just lies there and runs its mouth would be of much use to the elderly anyway, although the concept is strongly reminiscent of the daily activities of my teenage children.

I suppose we can all agree that Mr. Himes is a fine fellow and that his research will someday achieve something positive, but the whole idea still seems kind of sad to me. I can just foresee the flocks of pathetic losers living in their mother’s basements sitting around on Saturday night with Roxxxy watching Star Wars. What’s sad about it is that if they spent their $9,000 on therapy, or a gym membership or a continuing education class or a dog, they would probably ultimately be much happier. People are lonely for a lot of reasons and almost all of them are controllable. If you are an ass and nobody likes you, quit being an ass; if you’re frightened and insecure, get some help; if you’re horribly disfigured, hang out with blind people. The fact is, there is a pathetic loser lurking inside all of us, but most of us have paid the price and eaten the bitter root of failure enough to know that the great democratic ideal that we are all equally flawed is a profound truth. We know that human relationships are not about control or emotional safety and that seeking respect, admiration or affection from anyone always carries the risk of rejection, betrayal and humiliation; but we also know that Roxxxy is a pale imitation of life and a concession to defeat.

With developments in artificial intelligence and robotics there will almost certainly be a day when the science fiction prophecies of Robby the Robot, the Weyland-Utani Corporation’s malfunctioning Ash and the programmed-with-multiple-techniques Commander Data will be fulfilled. When that day comes, there will be titanic legal and philosophical debates about what is, and is not, a person and our society will be transformed in ways we can scarcely imagine. No doubt there will be social, physical and perhaps even emotional interaction between us and our creations and this will necessitate entirely new psychological and moral adaptations on our part. In this brave, new world, it is likely that companionship will no longer be a problem for the dull, the unattractive or the maladjusted, if such conditions are allowed to persist, but the issue of choice in emotional validation will always remain; without the right of decision and the freedom to reject, any manufactured companion will, like poor Roxxxy, be nothing but a worthless pile of wires, rubber and delusion.

We'll Meet Again Godzillasan

2010-01-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

Tsutomu Yamaguchi died a couple of days ago. He was 93 years old. For those who don’t know, Mr. Yamaguchi gained notoriety by virtue of having been present in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki when they were attacked with nuclear explosives by the United States in 1945. He was in Hiroshima on August 6th on a business trip representing the Mitsubishi Corporation when the uranium powered “Little Boy” was detonated with an explosive force of approximately 15 kilotons of TNT. The bomb killed approximately 140,000 people, but, while seriously burned, Mr. Yamaguchi was not among them. He made his way back to his hometown of Nagasaki just in time to be slightly less than two miles from the detonation on August 9th of the plutonium powered “Fat Man” which exploded with a force of approximately 21 kilotons of TNT and which killed approximately 39,000 people. Again, Mr. Yamaguchi was not among them, but he and his wife both suffered radiation poisoning which, one can only assume, shortened his impressive life-span considerably.

In addition to being a tale of O. Henry-esque irony, Mr. Yamaguchi’s story is a quintessential example of the “been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt” wisdom that comes from personally experiencing human failure writ large. Having been near the epicenter of the two most deliberately destructive acts in human history, he had gained a unique perspective on suffering and loss. In the last decades of his life he became an outspoken critic of the world’s thirst for nuclear weaponry and basically concluded that we were (I paraphrase) all nuts for failing to rid the world of our vast arsenals of nuclear death. Yamaguchi, a Buddhist, had resigned himself to the fact that his accidental celebrity was his intended fate and that he should use his remaining time to educate the world’s people on how really inconvenient a nuclear explosion could be.

There are currently 21,500 nuclear weapons on Planet Earth, give or take, with around 20,000 of those equally divided in the possession of Russia and the United States. The rest are spread around among other such reliable democratic and pluralistic societies as Pakistan, Israel, India and China. Virtually all of these weapons are many hundred to many thousands of times more powerful than the two tiny scraps of hell we unleashed on Mr. Yamaguchi in World War Two. The fundamental technology that underlies these weapons is readily available on the Internet and manufacture is primarily limited by access to fissionable material and the equipment necessary to machine components to fine tolerances. The probability that some vengeance-minded ignoramus or spirit filled religious lunatic will lay their hands on a nuclear explosive increases daily, and the likelihood that a cynical, sociopathic and power hungry douche-bag will buy, steal or create such a device is more of an inevitability than a possibility.

Ever since the Soviet Union went out of business we have largely had an unrealistically apathetic attitude about nuclear disarmament, almost certainly because we no longer fear the world-wide, massive nuclear exchange that would in thirteen minutes obliterate all life on Earth. We now complacently fret about beturbaned terrorists taking us out one airplane-load at a time. While the fear of nuclear terrorism may keep many a CIA operative up at night, it is something so abstract that the mind of the average citizen cannot adequately imagine the scale of destruction it implies. We, therefore, dream fitfully of underwear bombs and hooded martial artists beating old ladies at bingo parlors while the United States, and a dozen other countries, continue to manufacture enriched uranium and plutonium and to export to all manner of suspicious characters the electronic and engineering technology necessary to ignite a star.

In August of 1939, Albert Einstein, along with physicists Leó Szilárd, Eugene Wigner and Edward Teller, sent then President Roosevelt a letter suggesting that it would be possible to use nuclear fission to create a powerful weapon and that Nazi Germany was probably already undertaking the research to accomplish such a feat. The resulting Manhattan Project produced the two city-smashing wonders Mr. Yamaguchi had the pleasure of witnessing. Einstein had always been something of a pacifist and his out-of-character admonition to Roosevelt not to be beaten to the nuclear punch was indicative of his fear of the horror that would result if such power fell unchecked into the hands of paranoid and delusional pricks. He and his fellow physicists reasoned that it was acceptable to pervert science to destructive aims if the alternative meant subjugation of the world by poisonous, misanthropic philosophies. It’s a hard point to argue against.

Unfortunately for Mr. Yamaguchi, Japan never made any significant progress in nuclear research and by 1945 they were pretty much bereft of any ability to credibly threaten America. Most of Japan’s population aimlessly drank saki, hid in their basements and waited for the Emperor to perform a divine miracle. No such miracle was forthcoming, however, and Harry Truman’s two-fisted punch in the soul was all Japan got for its troubles. Truman, who had little tolerance for moral ambiguity, figured 250,000 Japanese lives were worth well less than any number of American ones and apparently never lost a minute of sleep over being midwife to the age of nuclear anxiety. From the perspective of sixty-plus years, some of us may take exception to such an attitude, but at the time there were probably not four people in America who thought poorly of the President for vaporizing Mr. Yamaguchi’s quiet little seaside neighborhood.

Now, like all the apples humanity has eaten over the eons, we are stuck with the knowledge of the power of the atom. In light of such knowledge, we are constantly reminded that all our crowning achievements, from molecular biology to robotics, from aerospace engineering to quantum mechanics, and from artificial intelligence to medicine, can be easily turned upon ourselves with more power to destroy than they would ever have to mend. Tsutomu Yamaguchi got a front row seat to the darkness that lurks in the human psyche and he would probably tell us that beating our swords into plowshares will be inadequate if we cannot hammer open our hearts, and that when we gaze sadly at the devastation wrought by evil, we are only looking into a shattered mirror.

Throwing Mangos at Cats

2010-01-02T13:24:00.000-08:00

I’ve never been one to give much significance to arbitrary benchmarks like new years, centuries or millennia; for most of my life I never needed any specific reason for being irresponsibly over self-indulgent and my enthusiasm for December 31st lay principally in the fact that I was likely to have company in doing so. Nobody really knows when anything started or where we are on the theoretical time-line that runs from nothing to nothing again, but certainly there are natural cycles which have been of great importance to humans through the eons, though modern delineations of time probably have more to do with the bureaucratic need to categorize and inventory than they do with planting schedules. Time, like the ghosts it creates, most likely doesn’t exist in any real sense, but is just another by-product of our change-obsessed consciousness which allows us to experience discreet events and impose artificial order on the bubbling quantum foam which underlies all.

What the idea of time is good for is forgetting, forgiving and fooling ourselves into believing that personal change is some magical quality that can be found in Santa’s bag or at the bottom of a punch bowl and that all we need do is declare a break with the past and start anew and fundamentals will be transmuted, psychological baggage abandoned, genetic predispositions obviated and inherent flaws corrected. Time is the almighty, universal stain remover which washes away sin and grief and failure and allows us to stand new-born and pure in the face of the impending, if arbitrarily defined, year.

The odd thing is that, my innate sarcasm notwithstanding; there may be some fundamental element of human truth to the concept of a fresh start. Despite the weight of our social and natural sagas, there remains in even the most shallow and traumatized of us the potential to re-invent ourselves, to be more than just a point on a line or the sum of converging history. Genetic determinism is powerful, like dialectical materialism and dual predestination before it, but the entire mechanical structure of the universe defines nothing but probability; reality obeys less well established laws. Perhaps it was Heisenberg who first used mathematics to express the concept that “life is what you make it”, but Schrödinger was definitely the guy who discovered that old cats can teach new tricks and that life really is like a box of chocolates. So pay heed you masses in your quiet desperation; a year is just a year, but a new year is a choice. Get busy.

Keep the Change

2009-12-28T13:37:00.001-08:00

For the record, I spent Election Day 2008 driving people to the polls. I didn’t ask any of them what their political preferences were, although many volunteered that information, and I wouldn’t have denied a ride to anyone based upon such a consideration, but since most of the people were elderly, female and of African descent, I can pretty much surmise what they did in the voting booth, and, more importantly, why they did it. I also contributed money I couldn’t afford to the Obama campaign for President and spend a chilly few months in the old household while my wife supported Hillary in the primaries. Now, just slightly less than one year into the Obama presidency, I’m starting to get that sinking feeling that you get when you begin to suspect the Van Gogh etching you greedily bought without proper caution is a fake. Of course, like any case of desperation related denial, I will keep the etching proudly displayed upon the wall and pray that I am wrong.

I do realize that President Obama took office under a set of circumstances which were as unfavorable as any since at least Franklin Roosevelt and I know it is hard to remodel the kitchen when the house is on fire, but the continued failure of the America economy is not what troubles me. I am of the opinion that our current economic struggles are the result of decades of short-sighted consumer behavior, regulatory failures and the policies of both Democratic and Republican administrations which favored the accumulation of shareholder value over fundamental economic development. These things will not be corrected by President Obama nor all the king’s horses and all the king’s men any time soon. The things that bother me are far simpler, and as a result, far more disturbing.

I’m going to give the President a pass on Iraq, although I’m not fully convinced that he deserves it, but it is clearly a complex situation and it appears that things are slowly sorting themselves out, although we are still pouring an incredible amount of money and intermittently the lives of our soldiers into fixing a mess that should be the responsibility of the Iraqi people themselves. The trouble with Iraq is that it is the poster child for the Bush Doctrine, which basically says we can, and perhaps should, impose our “superior” values on the rest of the world by force, although one of our values is that values should never be imposed on others by force. President Obama probably rightly fears the instability that would result from a too hasty U.S. exit, but there comes a time when the chicks must leave the nest on principle alone. We don’t want Iraq living in our basement and bringing its unemployed friends over for the next hundred years.

So forget Iraq, but the last time I checked, President Obama was still the Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces. So why do we still have this stupid “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy? I know there are a lot of people in this country who feel homosexuality is a sin or a perversion or something equally unpleasant, but unless I completely misunderstood, their candidates lost the election. We bed-wetting Liberals put Obama in office and we want gays to be able to openly bleed and die for their country just like every other poor son-of-a-bitch of whatever persuasion in the military. To deny someone the right to serve their country because Sarah Palin doesn’t like their sex habits is the height of foolishness, not to mention being down right unpatriotic. And why is Guantanamo Bay still an operating prison? Why has the policy of rendition not been clearly and specifically denounced and terminated? What stuns me is that President Obama won’t do these simple things to demonstrate that he understands why he is the President, which he apparently doesn’t. I could go on and on about the triumph of form over substance in health-care legislation, the escalating American presence in Afghanistan and the consistent kissing of Wall Street’s ass, but those are also complex issues which merit substantially more effort than I am willing to make between Christmas and New Years; nonetheless, I am sadly coming to the conclusion that President Obama is similar to virtually all of his predecessors in the fact that executive policy is driven by perceived political necessity rather than commitment to principle. What is even sadder is that as he compromises on everything important to me, the Right in America intensifies its hysterical efforts to discredit him. Perhaps the sharks of pessimism already smell the blood of a seriously wounded dream.

The Sixth-Century B.C. Greek philosopher Heraclitus is quoted as observing that one “cannot step twice into the same river”, illustrating his defining principle of the inevitability and inexorability of change. He felt that there was an underlying universal force governing change, but he never fully defined the supposed nature of that force. Heraclitus was something of a buzz kill, eventually parting ways with his fellow Ephesians over their alleged self-indulgence and he spent the last years of his life wandering the mountains, eating grass and talking trash about Homer and Pythagoras. He was later much admired by the Stoics, whose motto was basically “get used to it”, but I have to wonder if Heraclitus, like an increasing number of us, became disillusioned by the contradiction of the clear and absolute certainty of change and the preponderant likelihood that said change would not be the same change we had chosen to believe in.

Roid Rage

2009-12-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

99942 Apophis is a an irregularly shaped, 1000 foot wide chunk of rock (or perhaps metal) that is meandering around the solar system periodically coming uncomfortably close to the earth’s orbital path. This particular piece of rock was discovered by three dudes in June of 2004 and immediately became a matter of some concern to people that concern themselves with being concerned about such things. Apophis, by the way, is the Greek name for the Egyptian demon Apep, the ‘enemy of Ra” and the personification of all that is evil. That’s a pretty harsh moniker for a chunk of rock, but as we shall see, it is not completely without merit.

Apophis has a mass of approximately 2.7 × 1010 kilograms, or 29,762,405 tons. Unbelievably, that’s more massive than Mariah Carey’s ass. It orbits the sun once every 323 days and scoots along at about 30 kilometers per second, or right at 67,000 miles per hour. It has an elliptical orbit (of course) which takes it as far as about 103 million miles from the sun and as close as 69 million miles; and this just happens to be in the ball park of the 93 million mile average distance of the Earth from the sun. While Apophis is by no means the largest lump of debris pursuing its own independent course through the solar system, it is so far projected to be one of those that comes the closest to our little green planet, potentially intersecting Earth’s orbit several times during the current century. Present analysis indicates that Apophis will make a very near miss in 2029 with the potential for a further close encounter in 2036 and again in 2037. Because interaction with the gravitational fields of countless other bodies occurs continually during orbit, it is difficult to predict the exact location and velocity of any celestial object too far in the future, or the probability of collision, hence the uncertainty, and anxiety, about Apophis.

Most everyone with reasonably decent eye-sight has seen a “shooting-star” at some point in their lives. These meteors are typically no larger than your fist and are totally consumed by the heat and pressure of entry into the Earth’s atmosphere. Larger meteoroids will sometimes survive all the way to impact, becoming meteorites, often after doing great violence to the Earth’s surface. The Earth has been bombarded by these cosmic leftovers every hour of every day since God said let there be light. Unknown to most, shortly after the light thing, God also said let there be crap slamming into other crap on a random basis forever and ever, amen; so, our beautiful little Eden here has been on constant alert for divine kinetic intervention for about four and one-half billion years. In that time we have apparently been walloped by some real doozies, and all we need do is take a gander at our sterile neighbor, the Moon, to see what can happen, given enough time.

Apophis is potentially a treacherous little demon, but nothing like the devil himself that slammed into the Earth around 65 million years ago. That asteroid, or comet, may have been as large as 6 kilometers in diameter and could have released an explosive force equal to as much as 100 million megatons of TNT, ruining an otherwise pleasant day for much of the world’s existing life. There is still some debate as to whether this event caused, contributed to, or had nothing to do with, the extinction of the dinosaurs, but if it happened the way most geologists think it did, it would, without doubt, have been a catastrophe of enormous proportions. Apophis’ relatively paltry 350 meter diameter and estimated 880 megaton explosive force may pale in comparison, but it is still estimated that if it hit one of the more populous areas along its potential path, it could result in tens of millions of deaths and have significant long-term effects on the global climate. The unfortunate part is that Apophis, and countless other bodies like it, will inevitably smack into the Earth at some point in the future if the Earth is around long enough.

Based upon current observations and calculations, NASA believes there is a one in 250,000 chance that Apophis will collide with Earth in April of 2036. That sounds like a real long-shot, but consider this; the odds of winning the Powerball multi-state lottery are one in approximately 159 million and there is a winner or two every two to three weeks. While this is not a valid statistical comparison, it is meant to point out that even very unlikely events do occur, and if such an occurrence would result in very unsatisfactory results, it might be a good idea to contemplate the situation. A Near Earth Object (NEO) is defined as any object whose orbit brings it into close proximity with the Earth, close being defined as orbiting within approximately 121 million miles of the sun. There are a few thousand NEOs already identified and each of these has some calculable probability of striking the Earth at some point. Many NEOs are quite large and there are potentially many, many times more NEOs still unidentified; then there are all the random, rouge asteroids, comets, planetoids, Plymouth satellites and broken down alien spaceships which may fly out of nowhere and smash into us with little warning.

So here’s the deal. I am an unrepentant space exploration enthusiast and feel we would be way better off if we took all our military budgets and used them to research warp drive or turn Mars into a habitable planet. I believe in a human future that is unconstrained by gravity, but for those of you who don’t feel the same way, I would break it down like this; to the large number of gentle fellow humans who believe God will protect you and your progeny until the end times, go back to sleep; I’m not talking to you. To those of you who think the moon landings were faked by the government in order to steal your hard-earned cash through outrageous taxes; go Google “booger” or “sex with chickens”; you’re wasting your time here. However, for those of you who value human civilization and understand the power of the human mind, give Apophis some thought; and especially for those of you who believe in the value of the human spirit and the natural world we inhabit, but who are suspicious of the military/industrial complex and want our resources to be committed to relieving human suffering and promoting a sustainable civilization, think about the “enemy of Ra” and what will be necessary to combat him if he turns his eye to us.

Photographing Fairies

2009-12-17T09:48:00.001-08:00

I recently had a run-in of sorts with the fine people over at Huffington Post over some comments I tried to post relating to an article they published by one Mr. Dana Ullman concerning what he termed "nanopharmacology". Nanopharmacology is apparently a term which relates to regular pharmacology at the level of nanometers (which is scientifically problematic in and of itself) which purports to be the explanation of why the scientific method generally cannot find any indication of validity to homeopathic medicine. I could write 726 pages of my opinions on why homeopathy is a fraud and at least 16 pages would have some element of fact to them, but it is not my intention to again debate homeopathy per se. Rather, I wish to address the issues of why democracy is a failure, human civilization is doomed and Fox News stays on the air.

First, let me say I am a regular reader of the Huffington Post and I generally appreciate its Liberal bias because it serves to re-enforce conclusions I have already reached even before reading anything. I have known for many years now that Arianna Huffington is something of a flake, like many unrepentant hippies, but I credit her instinct towards humane ideas as well as finding her dreamily hot in a "crap, I am already almost 50 myself" sort of way. So I am not completely surprised that elements of the website tend towards New Age themes and alternative medicine. After all, nobody is perfect. Anyway, I thought this article by Mr. Ullman was particularly egregious in its effort to unscientifically co-op certain concepts that are insurmountably obtuse to most people, such as quantum mechanics and nanotechnology, and use them to vaguely explain away the statistical failure of homeopathy to ever produce anything but anecdotal results. In this context, I wrote a comment on the article which the web administration type dudes declined to publish.

The reason they gave when they kindly responded to the email I wrote protesting this Stalinesque censorship was that my comments violated their rules of polite discourse. They citied my use of terms such as "irrational pseudo-scientific crap" and "malicious fraud" as being inconsistent with the carefully reasoned, fact based commentary that they desired to promote. Fair enough, but I would point out, as I reminded them, that free speech and the democratic process are often less than polite and the social obligation to respect extends only to respect of the right of the individual to hold and express an opinion, not to respect of that opinion itself. The Huffington folks are certainly under no obligation to provide a forum for my views and I concede their right to censor their own content, if not the wisdom of it, but that isn't even what I am really ranting about.

What got me thinking about the decline of the West is this tendency towards binary reasoning that afflicts much of what we think and believe. We often see truth as a straight line that runs from right to wrong, and we set up these bogus dichotomies in our minds such that if "A" is true "B" must be false, when "A" and "B" often have nothing to do with one another. What the hell am I talking about, you ask? My point is that just because the Pharmaceutical Industry may be a soulless enterprise that experiments on man and beast alike and actively seeks to obscenely maximize profit, even at the expense of limiting access to useful new medicines, that doesn't mean homeopathy is anything but a ridiculous load of manure. In my fevered imagination I have ferreted out this logical fallacy that I believe is challenging our ability to progress intellectually and the folks at Huffington post are a prime example.

Needless to say, any thoughtful and caring person will look at our civilization and find much to be desired. I have already postulated frequently that it is human flaws and not autonomously misanthropic institutions which create this reality, but whatever brought us here, a lot of people seek alternative paradigms for managing all aspects of human affairs. Alternate methods of governance have been experimented with throughout the centuries and we have settled on the models that seem to work least poorly, but political truth is not the same as medicine, engineering or other scientifically based endeavors. Whether wealth should be redistributed or health care should be universal are not really issues which can be resolved through observation and experimentation. Science cannot tell us which wars are moral, but it can tell us whether a homeopathically diluted solution of ground nightshade has any effect on nausea, which, by the way, repeated controlled experimentation suggests is not the case. I am concerned that the emerging lack of trust in common sense resulting from rejection of what some see as the sterile, industrial, capitalistic misappropriation of scientific process will just result in further enslavement of the poor and ignorant as they sink into the delusional morass of qi.

Ancient cultures were excellent scientists. They observed and repeated and verified. If by chance they happened to grab a certain leaf in a pinch to apply to a wound as a bandage, and that wound seemed to heal more quickly and completely, they would use that leaf again the next time someone was injured. If the results were repeatable, the medicinal properties of the leaf became an established fact of that culture. This was not some mystical revelation, but good old fashioned scientific method. It did not matter to what the culture ascribed the results; the plant's life force, wood sprites or some god's intervention; they harnessed reason and logic to anticipate the effects of the plant's usage. These were not kinder and gentler cultures; they were just people like us using every physical and intellectual resource at their disposal to survive in an indifferent world. And there is nothing kind and gentle about cancer or diabetes or the Ebola virus; they are vicious, implacable enemies, who must be bludgeoned into submission through force of knowledge, whether that knowledge involves lifestyle, medication or medical procedure. The supposedly primitive cultures that have preceded us would laugh at our growing reliance upon unproven and unverifiable cures in the same way we arrogantly smirk at their myriad ignorant beliefs.

So the Huffington Post can exclude me from the conversation because my tone is not civil if they like; it is, after all, a free country, but I am not going to pretend the Emperor has new clothes just because it brings psychological comfort to some of the desperate and disappointed people who reject the callous inequity, exploitation, destruction and inhumanity of a technological civilization that can and should do better. Retreating from the scientific foundation of human welfare because of the use of good ideas to do bad things is like rejecting your wife because she got raped; you only succeed in blaming the victim and destroying the very thing you sought to preserve. While it certainly could turn out that I, and the world's scientific establishment, are completely wrong and homeopathy is the greatest medical leap forward of modern human civilization, the probability of that is minute; however, the probability that the blind will lead the blind is great, and the probability that exploitive self-interest will masquerade as enlightenment to deprive the foolish and desperate of their lucre is enormous. In that respect, some things never change.